The day I stopped blaming my upbringing, and what I let go of
Hello, I'm Aya!
Thank you for reading again today.
Over the past few days,
I've been writing about marriage, being 'right,' and the impact on children.
Today is the continuation of that.
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'It can't be helped because we grew up in different environments.'
'This person grew up in this kind of family.'
For a long time,
I thought using these words
was proof that I understood.
In fact,
it is true that one's upbringing and family environment
form the foundation of how one thinks.
Unconsciously,
they create our values and standards for security.
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But, at one point, I suddenly thought:
As long as I keep using that as an excuse,
maybe I can't choose
my current relationships anew.
Blaming the environment,
instead of blaming the other person,
also greatly reduces my own options.
When I realized that,
I felt a little scared.
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The first thing I let go of was
'I have to understand them.'
That was the attitude I had.
Trying to understand and
continuing to take on the burden are not the same thing.
Knowing the other person's anxiety and
being the one who handles that anxiety are also different.
But I,
never understood where to draw that line,
and it was very vague.
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My husband's anxiety,
the atmosphere of the home,
the feelings of the children.
I felt like I had to
do something about all of it.
That wasn't so much kindness as it was
just wanting to be a good wife and a good mother
so that I could feel secure myself.
That might have been it.
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So, I
stopped trying to change things immediately.
・I stopped trying to make discussions perfect.
・I stopped acting like an understanding wife.
・I stopped trying to be the 'correct' parent.
Instead,
I made an effort to have a dialogue with myself.
'Am I pushing myself too hard right now?'
I ask myself only that.
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It's a small thing, but
just by having that question,
I became less likely to be swallowed by my emotions.
When I realize it,
even if I can change myself,
the other person won't change.
Therefore,
I successfully stopped having expectations.
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Even if you don't try to change the other person,
if you change your own stance,
you can change the future little by little.
Being able to think that way
was a big change for me.
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However,
this didn't mean everything went well.
I still waver,
I make mistakes,
and there are days when I almost take on too much again.
Even so, more than before,
by having a dialogue with myself,
and putting my emotions into words in a notebook,
for me,
'a place I can return to'
has been created
within myself.
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▶︎ In the next article,
I will write quite specifically about
・Ways of thinking to avoid taking on too much
・How to draw boundaries between spouses and parents/children
・Examples that didn't go well and how to fix them
that I actually use.
'I know, but I can't do it.'
This content is aimed at those who are in that painful place.