What My Reunion with My Eldest Son Taught Me: The Happiness I Found Because I Lost So Much, and the Importance of Trying to Understand Others.

A day spent relaxing with my eldest son for the first time in six months. As we talked over yakiniku, it became an opportunity to look back on my life so far. Illness, divorce, separation, and countless encounters and support. There is a happiness I could only realize because I lost so much. And through my conversation with my eldest son, I felt once again the importance of "trying to understand others."

Reuniting with my eldest son after six months

My eldest son came to visit me today.

It has been about six months since I last saw my eldest son. I had been really looking forward to this day.

Both my eldest and second sons are working hard at their daily training as monks. Because they are living a strict life of training to become priests, they rarely get time off.

That is exactly why I was so happy to have time to spend with my eldest son for the first time in a while.

My eldest son's request was yakiniku.

While eating yakiniku together, I listened to a lot of what he had to say.

About his training, about my ex-husband, and about the temple in Hiroshima that is his family home.

I tried to listen as much as possible without interrupting, keeping active listening in mind.

My eldest son was smiling the whole time and really talked a lot.

Just watching him like that made me feel happy.

"Mom, you seem to be doing well."

My eldest son said this in the middle of our conversation.

"Mom, you seem to be doing well."

I replied.

"Since I got sick, I'm doing better now than ever before."

Then, my eldest son said happily,

"I'm glad. I feel relieved somehow."

he told me.

That is true.

Both my eldest and second sons always check on my physical and mental well-being when we meet.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when my eldest son was 11 and my second son was 8.

I truly caused my children a lot of worry.

I think I put them through a lot of pain as well.

The subsequent divorce caused them even more loneliness.

Even so, the two of them grew up to be kind and upright.

And now, they are working hard to master their own paths.

I am truly proud of both of them.

Above all, I am grateful to have become their mother.

Divorce was a necessary parting

My eldest son said suddenly,

"There might have been painful times, but it was good that Dad and Mom got divorced. I feel like both of you are doing what you want to do and are more vibrant now."

Hearing those words, I nodded deeply.

It was truly painful at the time of the divorce.

But now, I am able to live as my true self.

I discovered zero-second thinking notes, which helped me organize my thoughts.

I started the Safe Space activities and met many wonderful people.

Sharing my thoughts on my blog has also become an important purpose in my life.

According to my eldest son, my ex-husband has also found what he wants to do and is living life in his own way.

Hearing that brought me peace of mind.

If we had continued our married life as it was, we might have only ended up hurting each other.

I might have even ended up hurting my sons.

That is why I now believe that divorce was a necessary parting.

I was only able to realize the happiness of those days because I lost it.

My eldest son said something else.

"But Mom, you were really working hard when we were at the temple."

Those words touched my heart deeply.

My twenties and thirties were spent living at a temple in a small town.

I was just living my life as best as I could.

My sons' smiles were always by my side.

I was happy back then, too.

However, I may not have truly understood how precious that happiness was.

It was only after losing it that I realized its value.

There was a time when I was consumed by the sadness of that loss.

But now, I can think that even that sadness was a necessary experience for me.

Days when I shed tears like blood

When I had to live apart from my eldest and second sons, I was in despair.

Of course, I did not literally shed red tears.

But the tears that flowed from the depths of my heart felt like blood.

It was that painful.

There were people who supported me while I was in that darkness.

My aunt.

The doctor at the clinic.

The staff members.

My best friend Sakura.

And many friends.

Truly, so many people supported me.

That is why I was able to keep walking without giving up.

I was able to make it through the pitch-black tunnel.

Now, I have nothing but gratitude.

"You are not alone."

That is exactly why I want to tell those who are currently in pain.

You are not alone.

So, please don't give up.

Life is full of all sorts of things.

I, too, have had countless experiences.

I feel that it is precisely because of those experiences that I have become able to stand a little closer to the pain and suffering of others.

I want to believe in the value of 'knowing'.

I have a single mother friend I am close with now.

I have been divorced, but I have never had the experience of raising children as a single mother.

That is why I try to understand her hardships and her efforts.

At times like this, I am reminded of the words written in Fumitake Koga's 'Groupthink'https://amzn.asia/d/0fp4d78z

that were written there.

I cannot say that I fully understand others yet.

Even so, I want to continue the effort to respect people and try to know them.

If we could both have that kind of attitude, conflicts would decrease.

Discrimination and prejudice would also diminish.

It should become a kinder society.

It should become a world that is easier to live in.

Do your best, my eldest son. Mom will do her best too!

A day spent talking slowly with my eldest son for the first time in a while.

As I listened to him, I felt happiness once again.

And I realized that everything that has happened in my life so far has led me to who I am today.

My eldest son is returning to his life of training.

There is not much I can do as a mother.

But I want to be a place where he can feel at ease when he comes home.

I want to be someone he can talk to with peace of mind.

That is the kind of mother I want to be.

Do your best, my eldest son.

Mom will do her best too!

Thank you so much for reading until the end.

*On June 21st, we will be holding an event at Daisen-ji Temple. Many wonderful people are scheduled to participate. I think it will be a warm and lovely time, so if you are in the area, please come and join us.