Perhaps I stopped getting angry because I stopped being dependent on others

Subtitle

Between necessary dependence and excessive dependence

Introduction | Laughing in situations where one would normally get angry

I feel like I haven't been getting angry lately.

Even in situations where I would have been furious before, for some reason, I find myself laughing.

When the other person acts exactly as expected.

When they only look out for their own convenience and list plausible excuses.

When they don't take responsibility and repeat the same mistakes.

Normally, these are situations where one would get angry.

However, what comes out of me is laughter, not anger.

Of course, I'm not laughing because it's amusing.

It's also a bit different from looking down on the other person.

“Ah, so that's how it turns out.”

“Can humans really think so conveniently for themselves?”

Like that, I am viewing the events from a bit of a distance.

Is it because I've become calmer that I don't get angry anymore?

Or is it because I've given up on something?

While thinking about it, I arrived at one possibility.

Perhaps I have stopped being more dependent on people than necessary.

1 | Anger is a broken expectation

Anger is not born solely from the events right in front of you.

Deep down, there is usually some kind of expectation.

They should understand if I'm the one saying it.

They should understand if I tell them.

They should keep their promises.

They should face things sincerely.

They shouldn't repeat the same thing over and over.

Anger is an emotion that arises when reality fails to meet expectations.

More accurately, it arises when the order you were relying on is broken by the other person's actions.

That is why people don't get deeply angry at people who don't matter.

People you don't expect anything from.

People you don't trust.

People who don't affect your life.

No matter what such people do, even if it's somewhat unpleasant, it's hard for it to turn into intense anger.

The fact that the anger is strong also means that you had entrusted something to that person.

You entrusted your trust.

You entrusted your understanding.

You entrusted your peace of mind.

Sometimes, you even entrusted your own value.

In other words, anger is also a reaction that occurs when the parts you were dependent on others for are hurt.

2 | Anger and laughter are born from the same discrepancy

Anger and laughter seem like opposite emotions.

However, they are surprisingly close.

Because both are born from the discrepancy between expectation and reality.

“Normally, one wouldn't do that.”

“I didn't think they would interpret it so conveniently.”

“I can't believe they did the same thing again.”

If you take the discrepancy between expectation and reality as an infringement on yourself, it becomes anger.

On the other hand, if you view that discrepancy as a structure, it becomes laughter.

When angry, a person is inside the event.

Why don't they understand?

Why don't they fix it?

Why do they make me go through this?

However, when laughing, a person is slightly outside.

This person probably acts this way under these conditions.

A person in this position probably uses this kind of self-justification.

In this structure, it is no wonder that the same thing is repeated.

You don't see the other person as a villain, but as a structure that produces actions.

That distance turns anger into laughter.

It might not be that I stopped getting angry, but that I stopped being surprised by the other person's actions.

And the fact that I stopped being surprised also means that my predictions about humans have become a little more realistic.

3 | Not being dependent is different from not needing people

However, not being dependent on people does not necessarily mean maturity.

People cannot live alone.

At work, I rely on the people in charge of the preceding and following processes.

In life, I rely on logistics, medicine, infrastructure, and administrative systems.

Even just using language, I rely on the other person understanding my meaning to some extent.

There is no such thing as a completely independent human being.

Human life is built on dependence from the beginning.

The problem is not dependence itself.

It is what, how much, and to whom you entrust things.

Entrusting part of your work to others.

Asking for help when you are in trouble.

Relying on people who can do what you cannot.

This is not weakness.

Rather, it is a realistic judgment to avoid carrying everything alone.

On the other hand, if you entrust your peace of mind, your value, and even the meaning of your life to others, your entire self will be shaken by the other person's actions.

If they don't understand, I have no value.

If they leave, I cannot live.

If they don't act as expected, my life will be ruined.

When it comes to this point, it is not cooperation, but excessive dependence.

4 | Necessary dependence is interdependence

So, what is necessary dependence?

Perhaps what is called teamwork or cooperation is close to that.

At work, you cannot handle all the processes alone.

Someone carries the parts, someone assembles them, and someone inspects them.

Each is dependent on the work of others.

However, that does not mean your own role disappears.

While there are parts you leave to others, there are also parts you take on yourself.

Relying and taking responsibility coexist.

This is interdependence.

In interdependence, your own agency remains.

You get help from others, but you don't entrust your life itself to them.

You borrow the strength of others, but you don't disappear if they are not there.

In other words,

Standing alone and not relying on anyone are different.

Relying on someone and leaning entirely on that person are also different.

I think a healthy relationship is a state where you support each other, but neither one carries the other's life on their back.

5 | When you stop being overly dependent, your expectations of people change

When you stop being more dependent than necessary, the way you expect things from people also changes.

This person can do this much.

However, it is difficult beyond this point.

This part can be entrusted.

But you must not entrust this part.

There are sincere aspects.

At the same time, there are aspects where they bend the truth to protect themselves.

Before, I might have seen one side of a person and trusted the whole person.

But now, I see the person in parts.

I separate the parts I can trust from the parts I cannot.

I separate what they can do from what they cannot.

I separate the range I can expect from the range I cannot.

This may seem like a cold way of looking at things.

However, not idealizing people is not the same as belittling them.

Rather, it is seeing the other person as a real human being.

People have limits.

They have weaknesses.

They have contradictions.

Even if they have good intentions, they cannot always take good actions.

Even if they have understanding, they cannot always understand things that are inconvenient for them.

When you start to see humans realistically, the other person's actions are no longer an “impossible betrayal.”

“If it's this person, they might do that under these conditions.”

You become able to think that way.

At that time, anger becomes less and less necessary.

6 | Laughter can be both maturity and emotional withdrawal

However, just because you started laughing instead of getting angry, you cannot simply call it growth.

There are at least two types of laughter.

One is laughter born from understanding.

Knowing the limits of humans, looking at the situation from a bird's-eye view, and not consuming yourself more than necessary.

While laughing, you can say that what is wrong is wrong.

You can keep your distance.

You can also pursue responsibility.

You can protect your rights and dignity.

This laughter is close to maturity in the sense that you can deal with reality without using anger.

The other is laughter as emotional withdrawal.

You are actually hurt.

You actually want to get angry.

However, you have had too many experiences where getting angry was useless, so you give up from the beginning.

“I have no choice but to laugh.”

And so, you turn even the things you were infringed upon into a joke.

After this laughter, emptiness remains, not understanding.

You laugh off whatever is done to you.

You accept if asked.

You cannot say you don't like it.

You cannot leave relationships you should leave.

In that case, it is possible that you haven't transcended anger, but have lost the power to get angry.

Therefore, what is important is not whether you are laughing.

It is whether you can take action to protect yourself after laughing.

7 | Anger is an emotion that still believes in the world

Anger contains some hope somewhere.

They should understand if it's them.

It might change if I tell them.

This situation should be corrected.

Anger is also an emotion that believes the world is still repairable.

Therefore, there is a little sadness in not getting angry anymore.

I stopped expecting.

I stopped trying to get them to understand.

I stopped making the possibility of the other person changing a condition of my life.

That is freedom, but at the same time, it is also giving up.

However, there are two types of giving up.

Giving up by throwing everything away, and giving up by discerning what cannot be changed.

The former is close to helplessness.

The latter is a judgment to choose where to use your limited power.

Instead of continuing to get angry trying to change someone, you decide on the distance you should take.

Instead of waiting to be understood, you choose your own actions.

Instead of continuing to demand sincerity from the other person, you decide what not to entrust to an insincere person.

That is probably not abandoning the world, but changing how you engage with it.

Final Chapter | Do not give your stability to others as a hostage

The reason I haven't been getting angry lately is not because I have lost interest in people.

It is probably because I have stopped entrusting my stability to people too much.

I do rely on people.

I cooperate at work.

I ask for help if I am in trouble.

I leave what I cannot do alone to someone else.

However, I do not try to have my value decided by the other person's reaction.

Even if the other person doesn't understand, my experience doesn't become invalid.

Even if the other person doesn't change, I don't need to stay in that place.

Even if the other person betrays my expectations, my entire life doesn't fall apart.

Necessary dependence is supporting each other while keeping our respective roles.

Excessive dependence is entrusting your stability to the other person's personality or actions.

I haven't abandoned dependence itself.

I think I have started to choose the scope of dependence.

That is why I laugh in situations where I would normally get angry.

That might be laughter from having seen through humans.

But at the same time, it is also laughter to keep from letting others hold my life in their hands.

I can stand alone.

But I don't try to carry everything alone.

I rely on people.

But I don't disappear if that person isn't there.

Perhaps independence is not about not depending on anyone.

It is about letting go of excessive dependence while accepting necessary dependence.

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