Why do people with a strong desire for control gather around me? | Mental Health | Power Harassment | Moral Harassment | Adult Children

Until my mid-20s, I used to attract too many people with a "power harassment" or "moral harassment" temperament.

In the past, I was once a victim of a boss's micromanagement.
While I was working, I would be called to my boss's desk repeatedly, and when I got there, it would be for things like,

Put the date here, make sure to underline below the date, make the title this size, and so on.

Or, change this because the nuance of the words is different,
and there were many such minor criticisms that were far removed from the essence of the actual work.
Since I was a young employee in my third year after graduating from university at the time, I swallowed it at first, thinking it was partly due to my own immaturity.

However, there were too many overly detailed instructions.

I was criticized if I didn't follow the specific procedures my boss liked.
And when something I started led to good results,

before I knew it, they would claim it as their own achievement to appeal to higher-ups.
There were others besides me who were victims as well.

Also, there have been several times when the people I dated were controlling types with a moral harassment temperament.

They would demand contact because they were worried about where I was or what I was doing,
or they would use condescending attacks like "You can't even do that?"
or make arrogant statements like "My way of thinking is correct, so follow me," and so on...

Why do I end up involved with so many people with a strong desire for control...?
While I wondered about this, I also sometimes felt self-loathing, thinking, "Is it something I'm doing wrong...?"
But then, I suddenly realized something.

In my case, my mother was self-centered and had a strong desire for control, and it was a habit from childhood that when I faced such people, I would suppress my own opinions and give in to keep things peaceful.
To avoid trouble, I lived by suppressing my own assertions.

When a parent is this type, even if you say "NO," they rarely respect the child's opinion.

Dealing with people who live in a world where "I am right, and you are wrong" is exhausting,
so if you come into contact with them, it is for your own good to fade out.

However, it's not that easy with parent-child relationships...
The habit of giving in to keep things peaceful, which I developed as a child, continued even after I became an adult.

And the troublesome thing is that these people have an abnormally high skill in sniffing out "people who will give in" like me.
They target people who don't clearly assert "NO" or people in positions where it's hard to speak up.
However, looking at it from another perspective,

people who approach you while showing a glimpse of their desire for control are avoided by those around them who are wary,
so I also think that perhaps types like me end up as victims because we can't escape from them skillfully.

And if you can't avoid them and end up enduring it,
you gradually take damage before you know it,
and before you know it, your mental state becomes unstable.

However, people with a strong desire for control also have a desire to control others as a means to compensate for their own psychological instability, such as a lack of self-esteem or lack of confidence.
If that becomes too strong, they evolve into typical moral harassment or power harassment individuals.

In other words, the other person also uses others to fill the parts of themselves that are not psychologically satisfied.
They satisfy their own self-esteem while chipping away at the other person's self-esteem.

If you become a victim...

・If there is someone you can consult with nearby, talk to them and try to get allies on your side as much as possible. (People who try to control you aim to isolate you because it makes you easier to dominate.)

・Try to express your own opinions or say "NO" instead of being swayed by the other person's demands. (If you assert yourself too strongly, it will stimulate the other person and have the opposite effect, so do it little by little.)

・Keep a somewhat detailed record in a diary or memo. (It helps third parties understand the situation and is also useful for organizing your own feelings later.)

Being involved with these kinds of people for a long time is truly exhausting,
so if possible, avoiding them, running away, or keeping your distance is best.
The more you endure, the more your mental health and precious time will be taken away.
When things are tough, taking action to protect your own heart is the most important thing.