[DAY 4] How high is the heat on your relationships right now?

I left the pot on the stove and a delivery arrived. I intended to be away for only a few minutes. When I returned, the pot was smoking.

Even in just a few dozen seconds, the temperature of a pot on the stove rises rapidly. I have decided since that day: when I step away, I turn off the heat.

In cooking, you first look at the heat. That is the foundation of everything.

If you leave it on high heat, it burns in an instant; if it is too low, it remains undercooked forever. What is drilled into you first in a professional kitchen is not how to cut or season, but the habit of always watching the flame under the pot.

But when it comes to human relationships, for some reason, we forget to watch the heat.

In relationships, too, we keep simmering without watching the heat.

When relationships are difficult, we become desperate to stir the pot in front of us.

That person's grumpy face. How can I make this situation settle down? To keep it from boiling over, to keep it from burning, I just keep moving my hand, gripping the ladle.

The forms of boiling down we have looked at so far:

The daily exhaustion of boiling things down too quickly on high heat.

The stress of being at a constant boil, where you cannot shake the tension even when you rest.

The weariness of being simmered endlessly on low heat, unable to move without seeing an end in sight.

These are all things that happen when the pot stays on the heat without you seeing the flame.

If it were cooking, when it looks like it might boil over, you would turn the dial to low. But in relationships, even when things are about to boil over, we try to 'try harder to engage.' We reply faster. We smile more. We anticipate their mood. Without even looking at the heat, we only try to change how we stir.

What is needed is to stop stirring for a moment. And to turn your eyes toward the heat itself. So, where should you look to check the heat?

There are two ways to check the heat: inside the pot and the stove.

There are two main places to check the heat.

Do you look inside the pot? Or do you look at the stove?

The former is a way of checking how much heat the contents are receiving and how much moisture remains. It is observing your own fatigue and emotional state. The latter is a way of questioning the heat source that sends out the heat. It is questioning whether the environment—the workplace or the relationship with the other person—is too intense.

It is not a question of which is correct. The problem is which one you look at first right now.

If you don't yet know the true nature of your exhaustion, look inside the pot. If you are only blaming your own weaknesses, look at the stove.

From here on, I want you to proceed to the path that feels closer to where you are right now.

For those who want to look inside the pot

Looking inside the pot. That is the process of examining your own level of exhaustion.

Lately, you don't know how worn out you are. You aren't sure what the cause is, but your heart feels heavy regardless. You don't feel rested even after sleeping.

If you feel that way, start by checking the water level in the pot. The longer a pot has been on the heat, the harder it is to tell for yourself how much it has boiled down. How much water is left in your pot right now?

I have prepared an article where you can quietly check your current level of exhaustion using several criteria. If you want to peek inside the pot, go here.

→ Are you tired of your relationships? Let's check the current heat level

For those who want to question the heat of the stove

Looking at the stove. That is the process of questioning the intensity of the environment surrounding you.

Is it that you can't endure it because you are weak? If you just put up with it more, things should work out. It's my fault for not being able to interact well.

If you keep blaming yourself like that, what you should be looking at is not the inside of the pot. It's the stove dial.

To begin with, isn't the heat source too strong? If you can't keep up no matter how carefully you stir, what you should be questioning is not your stirring method, but the heat level itself.

If you want to question the intensity of your environment and learn how to protect yourself, go here.

→ Work relationships being difficult isn't because you are weak. The heat is just too high.

Summary: First, start by looking at the fire

It is not a mistake to read either one first. What is important is which question you need right now.

First, take 3 seconds and choose intuitively. Should you be looking at the inside of the pot, or the stove?

Looking at the fire. That is the first technique for protecting yourself.

Next, we'll talk about the choice to turn off the heat and the topic of distance.

In this series, I draw on my 15 years of experience as a chef to compare "human relationships to heat control." If you'd like to follow the updates, you can get notifications by following me on note.