A story only those in this state can understand

I've been feeling somewhat unwell for a few days. I'm usually quite a 'happy-go-lucky' person.
Or maybe I should say a bit of a fool.

I thought, 'Are you still playing the “Lack (not having) Game”?'

The fundamental premise is that “we are beings of unconditional love, and we are absolutely supporting each other.” exists.

But I also thought, 'You're still doubting it a little, aren't you?'
I also think, 'At this stage?' It must be 'just a little bit more' left, I suppose.

...

'I can't do it because I don't have X' is a very popular excuse.
Money, time, health, love, looks, education, age, experience, opportunity—anything fits. 'Not having' is highly versatile. It's all-purpose.

I wrote before about headaches being like a 'pump-priming' scheme, but for me, it's like 'I have a headache,' 'money,' or 'I don't really want to go anyway.'

Those reasons and feelings aren't lies. But I also wonder, 'Is that really true?'
I don't even know my own true feelings.

If I 'really wanted to do it, go, or have it,' I think I would have done it, and when I don't, it's probably something that 'doesn't really matter either way.'
I think 'what you ultimately choose is the safety called your current correct answer.'

But you know, I thought, 'When are you going to get serious?'
'You say you'll do it someday, but when is that?' I thought.

...

I've let the phrase 'life is a series of choices' pass through me blankly.
I finally realized, 'I can choose for myself, right? I'm choosing for myself in every single moment, aren't I?'

'When you're in a bad mood, you're thinking about bad things. Just notice (← this is important) and stop it, why don't you?'

'Bad mood = thoughts that are not true for you.' That's why.

'Not having' isn't the truth, which is why you're in a 'bad mood.'
Because you actually 'have' it. That is the truth.

'Not having' is just an excuse, isn't it? Although I've been doing it for decades.
You've realized it, haven't you? Or rather, you've realized and written about it many times before, right?
I'll probably forget, remember, and write about it again in the future, though.

It was a good game to play because I got immersed in the bad mood of 'not having,' got absorbed in thoughts of 'not having,' and since it provides brain stimulation, it was 'perfect for killing time,' and because I was so used to it, it was 'hard to notice,' wasn't it?

It was the same reason when I stopped worrying a long time ago. 'Because it's stimulating!'
Since then, even if I've been indecisive about choices, I haven't worried about anything.
That said, the feeling of lack itself didn't disappear, so it seems I just swapped it for the 'Lack (not having) Game.'

Not believing in 'unconditional love and absolute support,' the thing I hate most is the root of “not believing in yourself, doubting yourself.”

It's a lack of faith in 'your own value,' I'm sure.
I think this is “just existing is OK, you've cleared it.”
But isn't this 'the same for everyone,' so there's 'no sense of being special'?

And here is where my 'sulking' comes out. Hilarious!
You're cute, you know that?

Come on, let's take a look. Let's really take a look.
At the 'little me' who is sulking. Let's listen to how she feels.
I'm going to do it now!