The project of re-recording past blog posts moves to the second part.

The other day, the re-recording of past blog posts was completed up to the 2018 entries for the time being.

I started this re-recording work without much thought, but
I have begun to feel that it has significant meaning.

I think the re-recording process is a good opportunity to
face the articles I wrote a long time ago,

and by extension, to face my past self again,
and to reconnect the past, present, and future.

In an era where social media has become more a part of daily life than before,
I have recently tended to feel that I must share fresh information

as close to real-time as possible,
regarding both my state of mind and my thoughts,
but I realized through actually doing it that taking a moment to stop and properly look back at the past

is a very meaningful thing to do.

When I re-read what my past self was desperately trying to communicate,
I find that the core is surprisingly unchanged from now, or rather,
(since it is the same person, that is only natural, I suppose).

Although there were ups and downs,
I feel deeply moved that I have been able to keep going without wavering much...

Before that,
even though I later jumped into a "rabbit hole" (a major detour or diversion) myself
and ended up spending six years in an environment far removed from my previous activities (bodywork),

I am happy because I feel that I have been able to maintain that essence
without it being altered.

Surely, the things I had experienced and realized with my own body by that time,
and the things I had diligently spun into words,
there is a sense of relief that those were things that could be called "the truth,"

and I feel a sincere sense of gratitude toward my past self, thinking,
"I might have been naive and clumsy in various ways when trying to get along in society back then,
but that way of being was not wrong,"

and "thank you for building a solid foundation that connects to the me of today."✨

Actually, right after I wrote this article ((Past Blog Re-recording) About "Teate" (Laying on of hands)),
I suddenly fell into a type of neurotic physical illness I had never experienced before.

Looking back now, I think that is what it feels like to have autonomic nervous system dysfunction.
Insomnia, hyperventilation, chills, overwhelming anxiety, circular thinking, a feeling of wailing,
I had no room for self-care, and it was quite painful. I never want to experience it again.

Even when I tried to seek help, I didn't know what to do.
I keenly felt the loneliness and helplessness of seeing people around me, including my family, keeping their distance.

My body's balance and perception felt unstable,
to the point where I was anxious about whether I could even reach the local supermarket about 100 meters away by myself.
I felt a decline in cognitive ability as if I had suddenly become an old person, and it was very scary.

From around the summer of that year,
the elderly clients who had been benefiting from my treatments
began to be hospitalized or admitted to facilities one after another,
and although I thought I understood that it was an unavoidable event that would come someday,
I could not handle the sudden "premonition of the end" well.

And, while holding onto a slim, unrealistic hope that I didn't want to let go of the joy I felt when I encountered "Himo-Bra" (string bras),
and that I wanted to connect with others who could share such things,

I had been running blindly and desperately,
thinking I wanted to continue in this direction,

but I think that because I had no "foundation" in many senses,
the financial anxiety and the impatience that I might not be able to continue doing what I wanted to do
weighed on me all at once, and I snapped.
(I would like to write about this again someday.)

Then, after these two weeks of nightmare,
because I happened to have a qualification,
I applied for a job in nursing care.

I didn't want to stay in that state forever,
so I mustered my remaining strength
with a desperation like trying to crawl up from the bottom of an abyss,

and although my head still felt hazy,
I gathered all my concentration to write my resume,
went to the interview by bus with a desperate resolve,

and from New Year's Eve in 2018,
at the age of 50,
I began working as a new full-time employee at a special nursing home.

The job I jumped into with no expectations,
just to live until I die,
felt completely different from the world I had seen until then,

and I felt like Alice who had jumped into a rabbit hole
and fallen into Wonderland.
(I gained a lot there!)

It was a period where I was just calmly working on what was in front of me.

I continued to update my blog occasionally,
but thinking that I would probably never do bodywork again in this life cycle,
I canceled my domain and closed my website in 2020.
Blog updates and social media posts went into a dormant state at that point.

I am now moving on to republishing
part two (from the time I gave up being a bodyworker and started working at a special nursing home, until I cancelled my domain),
which I wrote during that period✨

I would be more than happy if you could feel the subtle difference in tone😊