The reason I, who once thought 'I wish everyone would just be miserable,' learned to be kind to others

I saw a friend's marriage announcement,
sent a 'congratulations' message,
and quietly closed my phone.

A happy announcement from a dear friend.
And yet, my heart didn't feel like saying congratulations at all.

Is there anyone else who has had that experience?

After my divorce, I couldn't forgive others' happiness

I got divorced six years ago. My daughter was still zero years old.

Back then, I was overwhelmed by everything I didn't know about raising a child.

To make matters worse, it was during the COVID-19 pandemic,
children's centers were closed, and daycare centers were also under emergency closure.
I couldn't ask other moms or professional childcare workers for advice.

Since there wasn't a way to ask AI like there is now,
I spent almost every day searching Google and looking at parenting posts on social media.

How to proceed with baby food, how to deal with night crying, developmental milestones.

But whenever I tried to look up parenting information, there were things I couldn't help but see.

'Dad is watching the baby today, so I get some me-time!'
'Why does the baby stop crying when Dad holds them? 😇'

Oh, that's nice for you, having a dad around.
Are you showing off your happiness?

'My husband is home late, so solo parenting is tough 😭'

How is that tough?
I'm going to be solo parenting for the rest of my life, you know?

Celebrity marriage news. A friend's pregnancy announcement.
All of it made my heart feel desolate.

'Why does this have to happen to me?'
'I wish everyone, everyone would be just as miserable as I am.'

In truth, it wasn't that I hated happy people

When I look back on how I felt back then, it feels like this.

Everyone else is living in a happy world,
while I am the only one living in a hell I've been cut off from.

It wasn't that I hated happy people.

It just seemed like something from another world that I couldn't reach.

Things that everyone else had naturally, I didn't have.
That was just, simply put, exhausting.

When you're unhappy, it's strange;
the whole world starts to look like an enemy.

Even though no one was actually attacking me,
just seeing someone's 'happy news' felt like being stabbed.

Thinking about it now, I think I was truly falling apart back then.

What saved me wasn't some pretty platitude.

It wasn't that there was some major turning point.
But somehow, I started to think about things.

At the time, I was working in customer service.

Dealing with customers who were smiling and pleasant made me feel good too.
Dealing with customers who were irritable and had bad attitudes made me feel bad as well.

This is an obvious thing, but as I repeated it every day, I thought about it vaguely.

People who have room to spare have a positive influence on those around them.

And around that time, shopping spree videos by celebrities and YouTubers were popular.

Seeing them spend such huge amounts of money, I suddenly thought.

They're really keeping the economy moving. I wonder if those benefits will come my way too.

Happy people have room to spare.

Because they have room to spare, they can be kind to others.
They can spend money, too. The economy keeps moving.
That kindness and prosperity might, in the long run, come back to me someday.

Yes, it's incredibly calculating.

But this calculating way of thinking saved me.

It was the moment I went from 'I wish everyone would be unhappy' to
'Please be happy and keep the economy moving'.

You don't have to be a great person to feel a little more at ease

I cannot become a saint.

There are days when I feel down, and
I get jealous just like anyone else.

But I have realized something.

You don't have to erase jealousy. It's okay to have dark emotions.

What matters is how you 'handle' those emotions.

You don't have to force yourself to become a 'wonderful person who can be happy for others'.

A loose, self-interested thought like 'I hope that happiness comes back around to me' is fine.

Now I think, 'Please share that happiness with those around you!'

When I see someone report their happiness now, this is what I think.

'Oh! That's great! Please spread that happiness to everyone around you!'

I haven't become a pure person.
And I don't think I ever will.

But life is much easier than it was before.

For me right now, that is enough.

I would be happy if this reaches even a little bit to those who are suffering in the same way.

By the way, how much of a wreck was I six years ago?

I wrote about the story leading up to my divorce in another note.

The story of those days when my husband went missing, was arrested in Kyoto, and my bank account balance was in the double digits.

It's a heavy story, but I wanted to convey that 'you can rebuild even from rock bottom'.

If you'd like, please read this as well.

Or rather, what kind of person is Dotako?
If you're wondering, please check this out too👇

Daily work, housework, and childcare.
When you are this busy, it is a struggle just to keep your mental health in check.

Every day is tough, but I hope that by sharing information with everyone,
we can manage to stay balanced and happy together😊