I let go of the version of myself that used to be able to do it. | A Monk Fighting Records, Chapter 3 #1
📅 July 12 - July 25
⸻
🌱 Introduction
Thank you for your continued support.
I am a monk fighting against records.
Starting with this entry, these records enter Chapter 3.
Until now, I have tried to organize my life by recording my weight, meals, and exercise content every week.
The distance I ran.
What I ate.
My weight that day.
What I was able to do.
What I was not able to do.
There were certainly many things that became clear to me by continuing to keep records.
However, as I kept adding to these records, a sense of discomfort began to grow within me little by little.
I don't just want to report on my exercise routine.
I don't just want to convey how many kilograms I've lost.
While working at the temple, running, training, feeling lost, and sometimes running away, I am still trying to organize my life in my own way.
I want to preserve that process itself.
That is what I have come to think.
In Chapter 3, I will record not only my running, but also my temple duties, training, daily life, encounters with people, and my confusion about my future life, as a young monk tries to organize himself and move toward his goals through trial and error.
This is not a story of constant, cool progress.
There are days when I stop.
There are days when I run away.
There are days when I can no longer do things I was once able to do.
These past two weeks started exactly from that point.
I ran away from jogging, I ran away from writing on Note, and the version of myself that used to be able to run was just a hazy sight in the distance.
What I needed to start running again.
It wasn't a strong will or a grand goal.
It was letting go of the version of myself that used to be able to do it.
⸻
🧭 Theme of this period
Lowering your goals is not running away.
I used to run 10km.
So, if I were to start running again, I naturally thought I had to run the same distance.
Somewhere in my heart, I thought that.
However, in reality, I hadn't jogged for two weeks.
"I used to be able to do it."
Because I have that memory, 5km feels insufficient.
Just running slowly feels like I'm not trying hard enough.
However, if you are unable to move a single step while looking up at a high goal, that goal is not something that will move you forward right now.
This time, I chose a 5km course that is easy to run.
I let go of running fast and running long for now.
First, 5km.
It's okay to be slow.
Lower the goal to a point where my current self can just barely manage.
That became the first trial and error to get my stalled self moving again.
⸻
📝 Chapter 3 Records
⸻
🗓 Day 1: July 12 (Sun)
🎯 Theme
Jog-avoiding monk
🏃 Exercise
None
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (potato), Furikake
Lunch: Yakisoba, Cabbage
Dinner: Meat Udon (1.5 servings)
🧹 Tasks
2 Buddhist memorial services
⚖ Weight
Not measured
💡 Insight
Running away from jogging
📝 Note
I am running away from both jogging and posting on Note. I want to take a step forward and overcome this heavy wall.
⸻
🗓 Day 2: July 13 (Mon)
🎯 Theme
Always-running-away monk
🏃 Exercise
Abs training 20 min, Gym training 90 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Anpan (1), Jam bun (1)
Lunch: Bakudan stir-fry set meal with 2 large servings of rice, half fried rice
Dinner: Rice (75g), Egg soup, Simmered daikon radish
🧹 Tasks
Writing Toba (memorial tablets)
⚖ Weight
Not measured
💡 Insight
Running away from jogging too much
📝 Note
It gets further away day by day. I'm running away today, yesterday, every day. Is it because it's hot? Because I sweat? Because it's a hassle? What am I doing this for? The wall gets thicker every day.
⸻
🗓 Day 3: July 14 (Tue)
🎯 Theme
The monk who faced it today
🏃 Exercise
Jog 30 min, Abs training 20 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (daikon), Cabbage
Lunch: Soba, Sausage bread, Rice (50g)
Dinner: Rice (250g), Miso soup (daikon), Gyoza (5), Karaage (2), Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
Writing Toba
⚖ Weight
71.4kg
💡 Insight
Can I continue this in the future...
📝 Note
My first jog in two weeks. My steps were very, very heavy.
⸻
🗓 Day 4: July 15 (Wed)
🎯 Theme
Segaki and abs monk
🏃 Exercise
Abs training 20 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (vegetables), Cabbage, Furikake
Lunch: Makunouchi bento
Dinner: Rice (300g), Miso soup (vegetables), Ginger pork
🧹 Tasks
Helping with Segaki (feeding the hungry ghosts ceremony)
⚖ Weight
72.4kg
💡 Insight
Continuing to jog is difficult
📝 Note
I was helping at another temple all day, but I still managed to get in my abs training today.
⸻
🗓 Day 5: July 16 (Thu)
🎯 Theme
Jog-weary monk
🏃 Exercise
Jog 30 min, Abs training 20 min, Gym training 90 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (pumpkin), Raw egg, Cabbage
Lunch: Curry Udon
Dinner: Rice (300g), Miso soup (pumpkin), Hamburg steak, Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
Writing Toba
⚖ Weight
71.2kg
💡 Insight
I only feel like I'm losing weight because I'm losing water, not fat.
📝 Note
I took a day off and then jogged. I did it. First of all, applause for that. But my steps were incredibly heavy. I wanted to walk.
⸻
🗓 Day 6: July 17 (Fri)
🎯 Theme
Toba-writing-finished-for-now monk
🏃 Exercise
None
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (daikon)
Lunch: Tsukemen (1 serving), Rice (100g), Croquette (1), Cabbage
Dinner: Cheese naan, Curry
🧹 Tasks
Writing Toba
⚖ Weight
Not measured
💡 Insight
My neck is stiff
📝 Note
I took a break from both muscle training and jogging today. I want to rest well so I can get in a morning jog tomorrow.
⸻
🗓 Day 7: July 18 (Sat)
🎯 Theme
Family-meeting monk
🏃 Exercise
Jog 30 min, Abs training 20 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Bread (2)
Lunch: Course meal
Dinner: Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
Day off
⚖ Weight
70.8kg
💡 Insight
My neck is stiff
📝 Note
I've been able to maintain a pace of jogging once every two days, which is a big plus. My weight has also stabilized.
⸻
🗓 Day 8: July 19 (Sun)
🎯 Theme
Heat-beaten monk
🏃 Exercise
Abs training 20 min, Gym training 90 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (cabbage), Cabbage
Lunch: Sushiro
Dinner: Rice (225g), Miso soup (cabbage), Salmon mince cutlet, Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
1 Buddhist memorial service
⚖ Weight
71.6kg
💡 Insight
It's hard to control my physical condition in the heat
📝 Note
The real heat has arrived. I want to try to take frequent breaks during both jogging and outdoor work.
⸻
🗓 Day 9: July 20 (Mon)
🎯 Theme
The monk whose jogging stopped
🏃 Exercise
Abs training 20 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (250g), Egg soup, Salmon mince cutlet (1), Cabbage
Lunch: Bento
Dinner: Hama Sushi
🧹 Tasks
1 Buddhist memorial service
⚖ Weight
71.8kg
💡 Insight
My jogging has stopped
📝 Note
The temperature rose to 39°C. If I don't seriously think about the timing and frequency of breaks for jogging and outdoor work, I will definitely collapse 😑
⸻
🗓 Day 10: July 21 (Tue)
🎯 Theme
Melting-in-the-heat monk
🏃 Exercise
None
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Jam bun (1), Anpan (1)
Lunch: Soy sauce ramen (large)
Dinner: Rice (350g), Miso soup (wakame), Stuffed green peppers
🧹 Tasks
Helping at a temple
⚖ Weight
Not measured
💡 Insight
Too hot
📝 Note
Even though I didn't exercise, it was so hot from morning to night that I thought I was in Okinawa; it was dangerous. Going outside to exercise just to lose weight is too dangerous.
⸻
🗓 Day 11: July 22 (Wed)
🎯 Theme
Monk worried about the future
🏃 Exercise
Jog 30 min, Abs training 20 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Jam bun (1), Anpan (1)
Lunch: Rice (150g), Miso soup (daikon), Stir-fried vegetables, Cabbage
Dinner: Rice (300g), Miso soup (daikon), Gyoza (5), Stir-fried vegetables, Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
Temple administrative work
⚖ Weight
70.9kg
💡 Insight
Too hot, I feel like I'm going to collapse
📝 Note
The matter of the concurrent temple I'm living at isn't progressing well. It's difficult. It's troubling.
⸻
🗓 Day 12: July 23 (Thu)
🎯 Theme
Monk who lived in the air conditioning
🏃 Exercise
Abs training 20 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (nameko), Furikake, Gyoza (2)
Lunch: Somen (2 servings)
Dinner: Rice (300g), Dry curry, Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
Temple administrative work
⚖ Weight
Not measured
💡 Insight
My body felt light today
📝 Note
I shifted my gym training by one day. Because of this, my muscles, which had been training every other day, were able to take a long break, which likely led to supercompensation.
⸻
🗓 Day 13: July 24 (Fri)
🎯 Theme
Sweaty monk
🏃 Exercise
Abs training 20 min, Gym training 90 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (komatsuna), Dry curry
Lunch: Yakisoba, Rice (100g)
Dinner: Rice (250g), Miso soup (komatsuna), Dry curry, Mapo eggplant, Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
Mowing the grass
⚖ Weight
71.2kg
💡 Insight
Discomfort in my left ankle.
📝 Note
I spent the whole day mowing the grass. Perhaps because I was mowing all day on unstable ground, I felt discomfort in my ankle.
⸻
🗓 Day 14: July 25 (Sat)
🎯 Theme
Jog-jog training monk
🏃 Exercise
Jog 30 min, Abs training 20 min
🍚 Meals
Breakfast: Rice (150g), Miso soup (daikon), Furikake
Lunch: Soba (large), Tempura
Dinner: Rice (400g), Miso soup (daikon), Sashimi, Croquette (1), Fillet cutlet (2), Cabbage
🧹 Tasks
Preparing for a Buddhist memorial service
⚖ Weight
Not measured
💡 Insight
The discomfort in my foot is gone.
📝 Note
I'm maintaining the motivation to jog no matter what. I feel restless if I take two days off, haha.
⸻
🧾 2-Week Summary
Escaped from jogging avoidance and established a rhythm
🔍 What became clear
When jogging becomes part of life, weight changes are significant
⚠ What concerned me
On the day I mowed the grass all day, there were many places with poor footing, which put a strain on my ankles and caused discomfort.
🦶 Foot progress
I felt discomfort in my ankle toward the end of the two weeks. The next day, I was fine even after jogging.
⚖ Weight progress
Stable in the 71kg range. When it's stable, I want to try harder. I want to move into the 70kg range.
🧠 Mental progress
At the beginning, I didn't jog and made excuses, but after gathering the courage on the 14th, I was able to run at a pace of once every two days, and my mental state became comfortable.
🔜 Awareness for the next 2 weeks
Since all my jogging is in the evening, I want to move it to the morning. There are times when it's inconvenient, so I want to use my head for jogging too, such as increasing the distance at a pace of about once every two days, or splitting it between morning and evening. Regarding meals, I want to strive for moderation by being careful about fats and eating calmly without becoming a muscle-head.
⸻
The version of me that used to be able to do it torments my current self
This time, the most painful thing was not the fact that I couldn't run.
"I used to be able to run more before."
That memory was tormenting my current self.
I used to run 10km.
I also have a goal of participating in a race.
I want to incorporate short-distance training.
I want to be faster.
In my head, there is an ideal version of myself.
However, in reality, I had been away from jogging for two weeks.
In such a state, if you try to return to the same place you were before all at once, the first step becomes heavy immediately.
5km is not enough.
Slow is meaningless.
If I'm going to run today, I have to run properly.
The more I thought that way, the more I couldn't go outside.
There are times when you can do your best because your goals are high.
However, there are also times when high goals become material for blaming yourself for not being able to move.
What I needed now was not to regain my past records.
It was to prepare a small mountain that even my current self could overcome.
⸻
Because I lowered it to 5km, I was able to run again
This time, I set my running course to 5km.
"Because I used to run 10km before"
I let go of that thought for the time being.
I don't seek speed either.
If it gets painful, it's okay to go slow.
First, go outside and run for 30 minutes.
I lowered the stage of what I do by one level.
Then, on July 14th.
For the first time in two weeks, I was able to jog.
My steps were very heavy.
It wasn't a run I could do lightly.
It wasn't a run I could puff out my chest and say, "I'm back."
Even so, I was able to take a step.
Once I was able to run, the next time was July 16th.
The next time after that was July 18th.
While adjusting to the heat and my schedule, a rhythm of once every two days gradually emerged.
By the end of the two weeks, I became so restless that I felt it if I took two days off.
For the first two days,
"I'm running away from jogging"
"The wall gets thicker every day"
That was me writing.
Just two weeks later,
"I'm maintaining the motivation to do it no matter what"
That is what I am writing.
I haven't accomplished anything big.
I just ran 5km slowly.
But that small step got the stalled flow moving again.
⸻
Lowering your goals is not giving up
I had some resistance to lowering my goals.
I don't want to make something I was once able to do into something I can't.
I don't want to feel like I've regressed.
Deciding "5km is fine" also felt like being easy on myself.
However, the reality was the opposite.
Rather than not running while holding up 10km as an ideal, running 5km is definitely moving forward.
Rather than thinking about running 5km in the morning and then not being able to wake up, first lower it to 3km and try running once.
Rather than trying to create a perfect habit from the start, make it small enough for your current self to execute.
Lowering your goals is not giving up.
It is building a stepping stone yourself to a height where you can start taking action.
It is important to look up at high mountains.
However, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
If you cannot take the step right in front of you, you cannot get closer to the distant mountain.
⸻
Running is not the only thing in life
In these past two weeks, there was a meeting between both families.
Honestly, I was very nervous.
That's all, haha.
There was a Buddhist memorial service.
There was helping with Segaki.
There were days of continuing to write Toba.
There was a day when I mowed the grass all day and felt discomfort in my left ankle.
There were days when I worried about my future life because the matter of the concurrent temple I'm living at wasn't progressing.
There were days when the temperature rose to 39°C and I felt it was dangerous to go outside and exercise.
Looking back like this, life doesn't revolve only around running.
There is temple work.
There is interaction with people.
There is confusion about the future.
There is heat, and there is fatigue.
It's not that you should just ignore everything in life and run as planned.
That is why, to organize yourself, guts alone are not enough.
Change the time of day you run.
Shorten the distance.
Shift the gym on days you are tired.
Rest on days when the heat is dangerous.
If there is discomfort in your ankle, check its condition.
Think of ways to continue while adapting to the circumstances of life.
I don't want to be a person who can move as planned no matter what happens.
I think I want to be a person who, when something happens, thinks each time, reorganizes, and can start walking again.
⸻
The next small mountain is 3km in the morning
This time, the habit of running has gradually returned.
However, there is one thing I couldn't do at all.
Morning jogging.
All the jogging in these two weeks was in the evening.
My night-owl lifestyle hasn't changed, and sleeping before the date changes isn't stable either.
I was just thinking "I want to run in the morning," but I couldn't execute it even once.
So, for the next two weeks, I will also lower the goal for morning jogging.
Not 5km, but 3km.
Even once is fine.
Wake up in the morning and try running 3km.
My goal is not to perfectly habituate morning jogging, but first to experience it once.
This time, by lowering it to 5km, I was able to regain evening jogging.
If so, next, I will try lowering morning jogging to a height I can execute.
This is the experiment for the next two weeks.
⸻
I'm always taking detours
To be honest, I also feel a little embarrassed.
While saying I'm aiming for a race, I'm running away from jogging.
While saying I'll run in the morning, I haven't run even once.
Even things I was able to do before, I become unable to do.
The marathon race looks hazy and far away.
But because it is far away, now I have no choice but to look at the step right in front of me.
Instead of chasing the version of myself that used to be able to do it and ending up unable to do anything, I will overcome the mountains that my current self can barely overcome one by one.
I was able to run 5km.
I was able to create a rhythm of once every two days.
I was able to run while checking the condition of my ankle.
Next, I'll try running 3km in the morning.
It's a very small step.
It might look like a detour.
However, for me, I think this detour is the path to building a habit once again.
⸻
🪷 Lessons from these two weeks
It is important to envision the version of yourself that used to be able to do it or your ideal self.
However, if comparing that figure with your current self makes you suffer and you can't start anything, it's okay to let go of it for once.
Look at your real self.
Find what you can do now.
Lower your goals to a height you can just barely overcome.
And overcome one small mountain.
That step calls for the next step, and it leads to a habit once again.
Lowering your goals is not running away.
It is a splendid strategy to get your stalled self moving once again.
Surpassing your past self can wait.
First, from the step that today's self can overcome.
A monk fighting records, Chapter 3.
While taking detours, I'll start again from here.