My husband doesn't notice the baby crying at night. I used to be the same way.

2:00 AM.

I sat bolt upright in bed, feeling like I heard the baby crying.

I strained my ears and heard my second daughter crying softly in the next room. I crawled out of bed, walked through the dark hallway, and picked her up. While patting her back, I prepared her milk with my other hand. Measuring the hot water, adding the formula, shaking it, and cooling it down. It was a routine I was used to.

Thirty minutes later, my second daughter was breathing steadily in my arms.

—But six years ago, I wasn't that kind of father.

The me from when my eldest daughter was born

When my eldest daughter was born, my wife handled almost all of the nighttime crying.

The reason was simple: I didn't notice it.

It's embarrassing to admit, but even when my eldest daughter was wailing right next to me, I would just keep sleeping. In the morning, my wife would tell me, "She was up in the night," and I would reply, "Oh, really?" That was the kind of husband I was.

"Fathers don't notice when a baby cries at night"—it's a common saying.

I had always thought that was just how it was. I assumed it had something to do with male hormones or brain structure, some kind of physiological thing. I figured it was just my nature—that I couldn't notice even if I wanted to.

While I felt sorry for my wife, I also thought it was something I couldn't change.

What changed when my second daughter was born

About three years ago, when my second daughter was born, I decided to take the lead on nighttime care.

Honestly, I was anxious. I didn't think I could suddenly start noticing the crying when I hadn't been able to at all with my eldest daughter.

But from the very first night my second daughter was born, I was able to notice.

I woke up the moment she clearly started crying. It wasn't my wife waking me up. It wasn't an alarm. My body was reacting to my second daughter's cries.

Even though I hadn't noticed when my eldest daughter was wailing right next to me.

I was surprised.

And that was only the beginning. At first, I would wake up to her "clear crying," but after a few months, I started waking up to the "signs of her fussing," and eventually I began reacting to even the smallest sound, like a "feh" that probably lasted less than a second.I began reacting to even the smallest sound, like a "feh" that probably lasted less than a second.

From the day my role changed, my body began to change as well.

Roles change the body

I had another interesting discovery.

Since I became the primary caregiver for our second daughter, my wife has been able to sleep much better.

When our first daughter was born, my wife would wake up properly even while I was sleeping. But with our second daughter, she started sleeping soundly, not even noticing when our daughter was crying her eyes out.

In other words, whether or not you notice a baby crying at night isn't about innate constitution or gender differences.

It was a matter of roles.

When you take on the primary role, your body changes. Conversely, when you are removed from that role, your body becomes able to rest. This isn't a difference between men and women; it's a matter of where the responsibility lies.

A father who hears phantom cries

When our second daughter was an infant, my body was probably at its sharpest.

Even in the hustle and bustle of the day, I would react to the sound of an infant crying. In a busy supermarket aisle, if another family's baby cried, I would instinctively turn around for a second, thinking, 'Is that ours?'

Sometimes, I even had auditory hallucinations. When I was concentrating on work, I felt like I heard crying in the next room. I would go to check, and our second daughter would be sleeping soundly in her crib. It was just a trick of the ears.

At first, I thought, 'Maybe I'm being too nervous.' But at the time, I thought this was fine.

Because having a body that can notice things means being able to move immediately when the time comes.

Views on housework can be changed

'My husband doesn't notice the baby crying at night' is half true.

In fact, I didn't notice it either. And even now, on nights when I'm not the primary caregiver, there are times when I sleep soundly through the night.

But the other half can be changed.

The reason he 'doesn't notice' is probably because his body has determined that there is 'no need to notice.' When you take on the primary role, that judgment changes.

It's not that your consciousness changes; your body changes.

This is a fact I discovered over seven years of raising children.

The period of night crying has long since passed. Even so, I still wake up just from my child talking a bit loudly in their sleep.

How you approach housework can be changed. If you take on the role, even your body will change.

I believe this is a story you can believe in.

▼ If you'd like, check this out too

In the continuation of this, I wrote about the three things I stopped doing in order to become a 'father who notices'.