The Reason I Keep Belonging: 'Because the Representative Is a Strange Person'—A Yardstick for Measuring Myself Gained Through Continuous Learning

1. Thinking about 'the reason for staying in a place' sparked by a question at a social gathering

'Come to think of it, why have you been at TCS for so long? You're the type least likely to stay in a community like this.'

That was what TCS Representative Baba asked me during a social gathering for [TCS×Business], a community for TCS-certified coaches who 'work in organizations' like companies, for which I serve as the secretariat.

At the table were Representative Baba, two members, another secretariat member, and me. I think we were talking about recent events at first, but since there were members who had been TCS-certified coaches for one to two years, members who had been there for several years, and members like me who had been there for nearly ten years, the conversation gradually turned to 'why I became a TCS-certified coach' and 'why I continue to be enrolled in TCS.' (Because the TCS-certified coach qualification is a renewal system, if you do not have the will to continue learning even after acquiring the qualification, you will lose the qualification and withdraw from the community.)

In the midst of that, the question at the beginning was thrown at me by Representative Baba.

'Come to think of it, why have you been at TCS for so long? You're the type least likely to stay in a community like this.'

Indeed.

Originally, I am not very good at belonging to a specific community for a long period of time. The reason is simple: it becomes a hassle to keep maintaining human relationships.

Miraculously, only my marriage and work have lasted for more than 10 years, but in reality, this is quite a rare case. At the time I became a TCS-certified coach, it was difficult to maintain other human relationships continuously, and in many cases, connections would be severed during the 'I don't want to meet or talk to anyone, I just want to stay home and read books' phase that visited me about once every three years.

Also, I am not the type who wants to actively interact with people. Going to a place full of strangers is usually out of a sense of duty, like 'it's my role' or 'it's necessary.' I almost never feel like, 'I might make new connections! How exciting!' I often end up exhausted from being too careful in places where I talk to people, and at one point, I was so drained that my husband even issued a 'ban on social gatherings' for me.

If it were the me from back then, I would have belonged for about two or three years and then quietly faded out of the community.

Representative Baba's point that I am 'the type least likely to stay in a community like this' is absolutely correct.

I thought for a moment and answered like this.

'That's... probably because you're a strange person, Mr. Baba.'

In the first place, I don't like to actively interact with people. If I were to say it's because I want to interact with people or because I want to work hard on something together, that would be almost a lie.

If there is a reason for me to keep belonging, apart from that. I thought that the reason I keep staying in the community might be my own curiosity.

If you ask what I have a continuous curiosity about, it is the many 'perspectives different from my own and others' that Representative Baba brings out in coaching.

Whether it's in the 'Trust e-college' (commonly known as E-College) course for TCS-certified coaches, or in face-to-face or other study sessions, the feedback I get from Representative Baba is always from a perspective different from my own. To put it simply, it means I think, 'I see, I can look at it that way,' or 'There is that perspective too.' That moment is truly interesting.

After that, the exchange about what 'strange person' meant continued for a while, and it seemed like the conversation would just drift away.

However.

Just when I thought the conversation had reached a pause, Representative Baba took a breath and said it.

"Maybe you are seeing your own strange parts through my strange parts."

He said.

2. Recalling the conflict: 'How I want to be vs. my actual behavior'

"Maybe you are seeing your own strange parts through my strange parts."

When he said that, I didn't get it at first.

Huh, what does that mean?
I don't really have any strange parts like Representative Baba, do I?

That was my honest feeling (laughs).

However, those words remained inside me as if a shard of a broken mirror had pierced my heart.
And, after about a day and a night, I suddenly realized something.

Perhaps I am measuring the distance to my own 'strangeness' based on how I perceive Representative Baba's 'strangeness'.

In other words, when I feel 'what a strange person' regarding Representative Baba's words and actions, I am measuring how much I can tolerate my own 'strangeness' through how I react (whether I want to reject it, or think it's fine, etc.).

Before I became a TCS certified coach, I often felt distressed because I felt a gap between my 'ideal self' and my 'actual behavior'.

How do you handle such gaps?
Do you adjust your 'ideal self' to match yourself?
Or are you the type who tries to change your 'actual behavior'?

For me, both were difficult.

At that time, I think I perceived my 'ideal self' as correct, and my 'behavior that deviated from that' as wrong—that is, strange. So, the deviation itself was painful, identifying the cause of the deviation was painful, and reviewing my actions from there was also painful.
To me, 'eliminating the gap' meant denying either my 'ideal self' or my 'current behavior'.

That's why I pushed myself while in a state of misalignment, was too considerate, got hurt, felt depressed, and tended to shut myself inside.

However, after becoming a TCS certified coach and regularly interacting with Representative Baba and my fellow TCS certified coaches, this perception gradually changed.

By receiving various feedback, I have become able to accept that everyone has different ways of feeling, and that it is by no means strange for one person to have various (sometimes contradictory) ways of feeling.

At the same time, I began to recognize that my 'ideal self' and my 'actual behavior that deviates from it—my own strangeness' are not opposing things, but rather 'results based on different principles of action within myself'.

Now, 'how I feel' about the slightly strange things Representative Baba says or the opinions different from mine that my fellow TCS certified coaches talk about serves as a hint for me to think about how I feel regarding the diverse opinions and variations of behavior within myself.

The presence of Representative Baba and my fellow TCS-certified coaches has become part of the yardstick I use to measure myself.

3. A 'Yardstick for Measuring My Inner Self' Gained from TCS

Having a clearer yardstick to measure my inner self, thanks to Representative Baba and my fellow TCS-certified coaches, has also led to greater mental stability.

Because the gap between 'how I want to be' and 'my actual behavior' has decreased, I have also stopped blaming myself or being overly concerned about what others think, wondering if 'maybe I am the strange one for thinking this way.'

What was surprising was that it wasn't just about reduced stress and feeling more at ease; the way I build relationships with others has also changed.

In the past, I rarely felt like building a long-term relationship with anyone.
I used to think, 'Eventually, maintaining the relationship will become a hassle, and we'll drift apart in two or three years anyway,' or 'Even if someone expects something from me, my “strange” side will get in the way, and I surely won't be able to meet those expectations.'

However, by learning to adjust the distance between myself and my own “strangeness,” I have also become able to adjust the psychological distance between myself and others to some extent.
I have moved from a 0-100 mindset of 'It won't work out anyway, so I won't try' to thinking, 'I want to have this kind of relationship, so I will try in my own way to get a little closer.'

Thanks to that, I rarely find myself immediately labeling people as 'disliked' or 'uncomfortable,' and in work and other areas, I have become able to make an effort to build and maintain relationships as much as possible.

Among those efforts, the one that has had the biggest impact is, of course, creating the TCS×Business community (laughs).

The community for TCS-certified coaches who 'work in organizations' [TCS×Business] was created so that people trying to practice coaching within their own organizations (companies, local governments, schools, etc.) would not end up isolated as 'strange people' or 'people doing strange things' within those organizations.

If I were still the person who thought 'it won't last anyway,' I surely wouldn't have done it.

TCS×Business is now in its eighth year since its launch.
I believe I have been able to keep it going this long because Representative Baba and my fellow TCS-certified coaches have continued to exist as a yardstick for me to measure my inner self, and by extension, my distance from others.

4. Conclusion

Why have I continued to belong to TCS for nearly 10 years?
It is because 'the presence of Representative TCS Representative Baba and my fellow certified coaches has become part of me, serving as a yardstick to measure the distance between myself and my own “strangeness.”'
Without this yardstick, I think I would have become a completely different person with entirely different ways of thinking.

Of course, I don't think I would have been unhappy if I had followed that other path, but I like who I am now, and there are things I want to do as the person I am today.
And to realize those things, I believe it is necessary for the TCS yardstick to continue to exist within me.

Therefore, I think I will continue to be a member of TCS for the foreseeable future, and I want to continue learning and practicing at TCS, which stimulates my interest in myself just as much as it does in coaching.

What is the reason you are staying in that place right now?

I think that if you take a moment to consider that reason, whether you decide to stay or eventually leave, you might find more satisfaction in your choice.

By the way, even though I've written all this, I am not particularly close with Representative Baba.
Honestly, there isn't much need to be close with Representative Baba just to be a TCS-certified coach...

However, I do consider him to be a good coach for me.

If I had been asked for passionate involvement or overly clingy human relationships, I would have run away immediately.