vol.163 Getting Ahead of Myself Edition [It's Amazing] From Patience to Depression 1165

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From Patience to Depression Magazine
※Moral Harassment Husband Edition and Power Harassment Edition are included in a separate magazine

The date is the 13th, the day is Friday, and to top it off, it's a Butsumetsu (unlucky day).
The sunlight and heat make me wonder if the rainy season is already over.
I pedal my Kuromimi-go (manual mamachari bike) to the station and take the train to head to Dr. M's pain clinic.
My appetite has dropped so much it's obvious, but if I eat out, I'll probably finish everything.

Dr. M is concerned about my left palm and said there is a catch when I bend my left middle finger.
It was perfectly fine last month.
Just that morning, I felt a very slight discomfort in my left middle finger for the first time when I tried to wash one of Shu's (pseudonym, eldest son) large, heavy bowls with one hand.
Oh, good grief, one thing after another.

Dr. M is an anesthesiologist, but I even get to talk to him about Shu moving out.

"I don't know if it would have been better sooner or later, but isn't it a good choice for both of you?"
I think so too.
I don't intend to keep Shu tied to me.

"It must be tough with so many factors piling up, but maybe next year you'll think it was good that you got all the rock-bottom moments out of the way at once, rather than having problems arise one after another."
If only that were really true.
Because it's too exhausting to have one hardship after another.

"A patient said the other day, 'I thought turning 60 was the last of my bad luck, but after 60, it's just been nothing but bad luck.'"
"I realized that as you get older, it's natural for troublesome things to increase."
That's certainly true.
Even when I think I've hit rock bottom, the bottom is still deep.
Conversely, things that felt like 'the end of the world' in my teens and 20s, looking back as an adult, I realize weren't actually a big deal at all.

Come to think of it, a radio DJ said on a morning show that 'rock bottom became a turning point.'
When they lost their voice and had to take a break from the show, they started YOGA after seeing a flyer that had been posted.
They aimed to become a YOGA instructor after a major heartbreak.
By becoming a YOGA instructor, a YOGA segment was created within the program.
It has now grown into a popular segment.
So, it hasn't always been smooth sailing.

"Writing a resume and applying for jobs is proof that you are moving forward.
You did a great job coming out here today."
Dr. M, thank you as always.

I feel like I'm starting to get a little hungry.
After a solo lunch, I head to my usual lingerie shop for a free fitting and a chat.

Wataru (pseudonym, my younger sister) also goes to the same lingerie shop.
Since our days and times are different, we never meet at the store.
“When Wataru-san came in the other day, she was talking about you, big sister.
She said, ‘My sister is always my role model and goal,’ ‘I wouldn't be who I am today without her,’ and ‘My sister is amazing.’”
I was just scribbling away, not even knowing she felt that way about me.
I thought Wataru was spoiled by our parents, selfish, a crybaby, short-tempered, and indecisive...
Wataru, I'm sorry!!

“Please don't push yourself and just do things that are fun. How about the ukulele?” I was asked.
It's fun to play and fun to sing.
Yet, I can't seem to pick it up, and I can't bring myself to record like I used to.
“If you can eat, please eat, and even if you don't feel like you can, please make sure to drink plenty of fluids,” they said as they saw me off, and I headed home by train and Black Ear-go.

I opened the mailbox and collected the contents.
There was a letter addressed to Osamu from the rent guarantee company.
My heart gave a sharp pang, realizing he really is moving out.

I checked my email.
I was shocked by the amount billed by the credit card company.
I thought I was going to fall over.
That's right, I bought a refrigerator.
I splurged because I had no doubt that we would continue living together for a while.
I wish it had broken a month later.

At night, I received an encouraging LINE message from Wataru.
We aren't the kind of close sisters who exchange LINE messages every day.
I didn't tell her I went to the lingerie shop or that I heard what she said there, but did something get through to her?

Wataru, who was allowed to be “selfish” by our parents.
Wataru, who always managed to get by even though she was dependent and indecisive.
I was jealous and envious of that.
That last line touched me, as I was feeling depressed and anxious about having to manage on my own.
I couldn't cry from loneliness or anxiety, but now sweat is welling up from both my eyes.

June 14, 2025

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