[Essay] This Spring, I Chose to 'Let Go'

When spring arrives, for some reason, I want to start something new.

A class, or a small hobby.

It is a season that makes me want to reach out for things I have never done before.

But this spring is different.

Instead of adding new things,

I chose to 'let go'.

Anyway, I want to declutter.

Organizing photo albums, organizing clothes, organizing my son's belongings.

One by one, I want to let them go.

Actually, just recently,

I let go of my Stand.fm channel 'Ochaboyaki,' which was about to enter its third year.

That time spent chatting away right after waking up.

At first, I thought, 'Maybe I'll just use it for listening.'

But that felt a bit half-hearted, so

I took the plunge and stopped completely.

I haven't deleted it, but I haven't opened it at all anymore.

How did it feel to let it go?

I feel incredibly refreshed.

When I was suffering because of my child's school non-attendance,

Stand.fm saved me many times.

I truly cannot thank you enough.

But right now, I

have let go of 'talking time'.

In return, I have createdspacein my time and my heart.

There is one other big thing I let go of.

That is,

sleeping with my son.

As an only child, my son didn't easily

say he wanted to 'sleep alone'.

I remember that because I had siblings,

I slept away from my parents relatively early on.

But with my son, who had school refusal and separation anxiety,

it was hard to find the right timing.

And to be honest,

the time spent sleeping with my son was just too precious (laughs).

His sleeping face is cute, and

having him next to me helps me sleep peacefully.

That is exactly why I let it go, little by little, quietly.

At first, I would stay with him when he said 'Stay with me until I fall asleep!',

and there were days he couldn't sleep unless the lights were on.

But now,

I lay out my own futon, turn off the lights, and go to sleep.

When I wake up in the morning, I put the futon away properly, too.

And strangely enough,

ever since we stopped sleeping together,

my son has started to do things for himself.

He started putting his socks, which he used to leave lying around,

without being told,into the washing machine,

and he also started cleaning up after he eats and doing chores,

without being told,on his own initiative.

And then, even more and more...

"I can't wait to study,"

"I want to do division," he even says things like that.

What on earth is going on!?
Who are you?

It might seem like the natural thing to do,

but for me, it's not natural at all.

My son is growing up rapidly.

Anyway, this spring,

I am organizing and letting go of many things.

Of course, it's a little sad to let go.

But,

When you let go with the feeling of 'Thank you for everything until now,'

beyond that,new encounters are surely waiting.

And that,

is not just about things or time,

I am sure,

the distance with my childis the same.

Letting go of their hand little by little,

entrusting them with things little by little.

It is lonely, though...

But, in return,

the moments where I can feel their growth,

thinking 'Oh, they can do this now,' will increase.

As a parent, that is, after all, a happy thing.

This spring is,

a slightly lonely'season of letting go'is.

Come to think of it, my son,

I thought he would be sad about graduating from elementary school, but instead,

'I want to eat school lunch in junior high,'he said (laughs).

It seems that already,

ahead of me,

It seems I'm excited about a new world.

To let go is to graduate.

This spring, I graduated from many things.

Hat-san's March project.
I finished writing it just in the nick of time (lol).