Mornings are tough, but...
2026.7.2
1 week post-surgery for spinal stenosis
4:00 AM
The window is starting to get light
I can see the sky at the boundary between night and morning from my bed by the window
I was able to sleep without a sleeping pill yesterday, but
I just took an extra painkiller a little while ago
For the past two or three days
During this quiet time
My inward, negative self appears
And once the tears start flowing, I can't stop them
Will I be able to return to my old life?
Will I end up unable to do anything at all?
I decided everything myself
I went into this surgery prepared, didn't I?
And yet
What is this feeling of despair...
The reality that has happened to me in just one week
Far exceeded my imagination
I had a similar surgery on my neck (cervical spine)
So I could imagine the pain and the recovery process to some extent
And I thought I was prepared for it to be harder than that, but
My feelings can't keep up with the gap
The muscle weakness in my left leg is more severe than I thought
And the restrictions on my lower back are significant
One night I writhed in unbearable, intense pain after the surgery
But day by day, the pain has been decreasing
Turning over in bed has become much easier
And now I have transferred to a rehabilitation hospital and started rehab
I can even walk if I use a walker
But
For some reason, this silence before human activity begins
Is tough for me right now 😓
I feel like everything I've worked for until now
Has been lost in an instant
I have to start all over again...
Where is my goal?
Where should I set my goal?
I know there is no need to rush
And everything will work out as it should
Life is full of ups and downs
If you fall, you get back up
There is nothing else to do
But it's hard
I want to write about the specific progress of the first week post-surgery
Again in more detail later, but
For now
While finding a way to stabilize my mental state and live well with the pain
・To be able to live on my own
・To be able to ride the commuter train
・To be able to drive a car 🚙
And finally
・To be able to go mountain climbing, which I love
I will work toward these four goals without pushing myself too hard 💪