“The Reason Parents of Truant Children Are ‘Truly’ Exhausted. The Three-Layer Structure That Society Overlooks” #55

Parents of truant children are exhausted.

But no one has correctly diagnosed the reason why.

Some say it's the school's fault, while others say the child is just being spoiled.
Some even say it's because the parents aren't handling it well.

But that's not the real issue.

What I realized is that there is a clear three-layer structure to the 'exhaustion' of parents of truant children.

Once you understand that structure, the reason why you are most hurt becomes clear.

The 'exhaustion' that seems scattered at first glance is actually happening within a single mechanism.

I thought about that structure.

[Layer 1] 'Secondary Damage' from Contact with the Outside World

The exhaustion in this layer is not actually born from the child's truancy itself, but from the social pressure that falls upon the parents because of it.

The task of contacting the school every day

When a child stops going to school, you have to email the school every morning.

Even though it's just to say, 'They will be absent again today,' it's exhausting every single time.

Why?

The homeroom teacher contacts me about once every week or two, and the response is always the same.
'Why aren't they coming to school?'
'Is there a reason they don't want to go?'

I've heard that line dozens of times already.
I'm tired of hearing it.

It feels even more futile because I know that telling you won't change anything.
(This is in the case of our school.)

In other words, I realized that the act of 'reporting' has become a ritual that forces us to face the fact that we are 'parents who haven't been able to solve the problem.'

The structure of being hurt every time you seek advice

I consulted the school. I was betrayed.
I consulted a pediatrician. My secrets were spilled.
I talked to my family. I was told I was 'spoiling them too much.'

Every time I ask for help, I get hurt.

The important thing here is not that the 'person I consulted is bad,' but that the social system does not account for 'parents of truant children.'

That is why, gradually, you become unable to tell anyone.

The mechanism by which heartless words sting

'Why don't you make them go?'
'You're spoiling them too much, aren't you?'
'Aren't they just being spoiled?'

These words are all thrown out under the premise that **'the parent is not handling it = it is the parent's responsibility.'**

In other words, the exhaustion of Layer 1 is not born from 'truancy,' but from **'continuing to be viewed by society as a 'failed parent' within the situation of truancy.'**

[Layer 2] 'Psychological Turmoil' Brought About by an Invisible Exit

In Layer 1, I felt 'pressure from the outside.'

Layer 2 is the structure where, amidst that pressure, 'the parent's heart is worn down by a battle that has no known end.'

The fear of not seeing an exit

You don't know when it will end.

Maybe they will go tomorrow.
Maybe things will change next week.
Thinking that, weeks, months, and before I knew it, years had passed.

There is nothing more exhausting than a battle where you cannot see the goal.

The repetition of expectation and disappointment wears down the heart

'I'll go tomorrow,' the child said.

So I had hope.

They didn't go.

I blame myself for having hope.

But the next day, I hope again.

I can endure this repetition once or twice.

However, when it continues for months or years, the parent's heart continues to experience 'failure' each time.

In other words, because the parent views the resolution of the child's problem as 'their own responsibility,' they blame themselves each time, thinking, 'I failed again.'

The labyrinth where you don't know the boundary between worry and interference

I am worried.
But if I show it, they get annoyed.

How far should I leave them alone?
No one tells me where the boundary between watching over them and neglecting them lies.

My child went out with friends in the middle of the night.
I don't know where they are going.
I can't stop them either.

But when it started raining, I was so worried I couldn't sit still, and I even secretly went to check on them by car so they wouldn't find out.

I don't even know if that was the right thing to do.

I just had a fear of what might happen to this child.

In other words, Layer 2 is 'a state where the parent is constantly carrying the question, 'Is this okay?' in a situation where there is no correct answer.'

This psychological state continues forever because there is no goal in sight.

[Layer 3] The Deepest 'Fundamental Exhaustion Due to Helplessness'

Up to this point, the parent is amidst external pressure and psychological fluctuation.

And the final, deepest layer.

It is a state where **'loving = being able to act' has completely collapsed.**

Loneliness: A situation where you can't tell anyone

There is no one I can trust anywhere.

There is no one in the same situation.
There is no one I can talk to.
While carrying everything alone, I look at my child's face every day and come home every day.

I can't escape.

This loneliness is not just 'sadness.'

It is the lack of an escape route, 'the inability to run away from this problem because I am a parent.'

The reality of life: The gap between money and time

Tuition is paid every month.
Electricity bills also go up.
Electricity bills were high because of the day-night reversal; in winter, with the air conditioner, TV, and computer, there were times it was close to 30,000 yen.

Even if they aren't going to school, only the money goes out.

While carrying that reality, I spend every day without a future in sight.

The gap brought about by day-night reversal.
The child's timeline is completely out of sync with my own.

They play games until the middle of the night and sleep until past noon.
Even if I call out to them, they don't wake up.
Even if I make food, they say, 'I don't need it now.'

I've been moving since the morning, but the child is still sleeping. Watching that scene every day, I can't do anything about it.

I'm worried about their health...
Are they eating? Are they getting enough sleep?
But I try to call out to them only once in the morning.

This dilemma continues.

Day-night reversal doesn't just affect the child's problem; it messes up the parent's life rhythm and feelings as well.

And then,The deepest helplessness

I want to help, but I can't.

Facing a hurt child, I can do nothing.

This helplessness is the essence of Layer 3.

Parents unconsciously carry the responsibility of 'protecting and helping the child' by being a parent.

Therefore, the emotion of 'I love them' turns directly into anger and despair toward 'myself who cannot solve it.'

This is the reason for the deepest-rooted exhaustion.

[The Overall Picture of the Structure]

In other words, these three layers overlap in the exhaustion of parents of truant children.

Layer 1 (External Pressure): Being viewed by society as a 'failed parent'
Layer 2 (Psychological Fluctuation): Constantly questioning in a situation with no correct answer
Layer 3 (Helplessness): The dilemma of wanting to help but being unable to

Many parents are in a state where these three things crush them at the same time.

That's why it doesn't end with 'That's tough.'
It doesn't end with 'Do your best' either.

Within this three-layer structure, it is actually a natural reaction.

Because what you are carrying is not just the problem of 'the child's truancy,' but at the same time, social isolation, helplessness as a parent, and an inescapable responsibility.

Carrying that, you are still by your child's side every day.

Just by doing that, you are doing more than enough.

But 'Do your best' is not enough.

What is important is to diagnose for yourself where in these three layers you are most hurt.

Because once you see that layer, you can finally answer the questions, 'What should I let go of?' and 'What should I change?'

If it's Layer 1 -> Separate yourself from social evaluation
If it's Layer 2 -> Stop seeking a 'correct answer'
If it's Layer 3 -> Let go of the illusion that as a parent, you can 'solve everything'

If the basis of your exhaustion becomes clear, the path forward will also become visible.

The first step is to understand this structure.

To my fellow companions

I think you are doing enough.

You are not alone.

I don't know the goal either, but by understanding these three layers, you can at least unravel 'why you are so exhausted'.

That interpretation will become the entrance to the next step.

It will surely be okay.

We haven't been able to get out of it yet either,
but by thinking this way, I have been able to find some breathing room and face my child in a better way.

I believe that one day, my child will be able to head out energetically, saying 'I'm off'.

Next time...
Get passionate about parenting!