What I Realized About Wearing a Mask at the Mental Clinic

Usually, people like us with mental illnesses, especially those with depressive tendencies, need an incredible amount of energy just to go out.

Getting ready is a struggle, and even checking the time feels like pressure.

We somehow manage to handle this pressure and the grooming we don't usually do, and finally, we head out.

By the time we are outside, our stamina gauge is in the red.
It might even be flashing.

I ride the train feeling like I'm mimicking a member of society, heading toward the mental clinic, but in my case, I just stare out the window with dead fish eyes the whole time.

I've used up most of my energy just by going out, so I have no capacity left to enjoy anything.

And so, I arrive at the mental clinic.

The problem starts here.

I end up pretending to be fine in the examination room

At the mental clinic, wait times vary; sometimes you can be seen immediately even if you're late, and other times you wait for 40 minutes even if you arrive early.

During that time, I brood over what I should say or what I mentioned in the previous session.

And the moment my name is called and I enter the room,

I find myself putting on a smile I would never normally show.

I don't know why, it's a mystery to me, but I just end up doing it.

If there is anyone else who does the same thing, please let me know with a like or a comment. What kind of face do you make in the mental clinic's examination room?

The consultation begins like that, and just as I did when I entered, I answer my doctor's questions with a silly grin.

It's as if I'm trying to prove that I'm a healthy person with no problems.

Even though that's not true at all, for some reason, I put on a mask.

The doctor responds calmly, but I am filled with anxiety.

What if they think I'm doing better than I actually am because of this fake smile?
I can't stand the thought of them thinking I'm doing well.
Anyway, while I'm thinking about all sorts of things, the faint smile won't go away.

I suppose this is a remnant of the social survival skills I used when I was working.

I felt it wasn't good, so from a certain day on, I decided to try taking off the mask.

I decided to try taking off the mask.

At my last appointment, I faced the doctor with my usual expression from the moment I entered the room.

When I say my usual expression, I mean I looked completely unmotivated with eyes like a dead fish, but I went into the appointment convinced that this was my natural state.

Part of me was nervous that it might be bad if I wasn't smiling, but the doctor's reaction didn't really change.

The content of our conversation was the usual stuff, like whether I was sleeping well or if I had any energy during the day.

The doctor's gaze and tone of voice seemed the same as when I used to put on a fake smile.

And then, the appointment ended without incident.

You don't have to pretend to be energetic in the exam room.

What I realized from this little challenge is that I don't need to put on a false front during my appointments.

I suspect that mental clinic doctors don't really care whether people like us, the apostles of depression, are smiling or hanging our heads.

In the first place, people who can spend their time outside smiling without any pretense wouldn't be coming to an appointment. They see right through us the moment we arrive at the mental clinic.

After I got my prescription and left the hospital, I felt a little embarrassed remembering all the times I had put on a fake smile during previous appointments.

From now on, when I have an appointment, I intend to look at the doctor with my natural, dead-fish eyes.

It's not as bad as you'd think.

At the end of the day, the doctors who see us are professionals, so they can see through us even if we try to put on a fake smile.

So, what's more important than worrying about your facial expression is...

I think it's that you don't have to push yourself.

I think it's okay to just be yourself in the exam room.

That said, I am still practicing, and I find myself wanting to grin foolishly while talking.

I am still inexperienced, but if there is anyone else struggling in the same way, I want to tell them that it is okay not to smile.

Thank you for reading this far.
Writing articles is also an important time for me to organize my thoughts.
If you felt any empathy or had any realizations, your support would be a great encouragement for my future writing.

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