From a 1K World Where Happiness Has Slipped Away

I currently live my life almost entirely within a 1K rental apartment.

There is no great misfortune, but there is absolutely no stimulation. Let alone any sense of happiness.

However, it was also my own fault that I didn't feel happiness.

I wonder when it started; I feel as though the sense of happiness simply slipped out of my life. I remember it being that way by the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school, but I don't know for sure. However, I do remember that from around that time, I began to think, 'I wish I hadn't been born' or 'I want to die soon.'

By the time I became a middle school student, the world felt as heavy and oppressive as a permanently overcast sky.

According to stories that occasionally circulate on the internet, healthy people almost never think about wanting to die.

I was already a working adult when I first heard that, and I couldn't believe it at first. The world is dirty, cruel, and hopeless, and if you take one wrong step, you fall into a living hell; I genuinely wondered how people could live so brightly in such a world.

Even now, there are almost no moments when I feel happiness. All I have is a sense of whether things are easy or not, or to put it more bluntly, whether things are painful or not. I chose my current environment by running away, guided only by whether things were difficult or not.

Because I chose a life that prioritizes avoiding pain, I have been freed from the heart-freezing shocks and the inescapable misfortunes that kept me anxious day and night in my teens and twenties. And now, what is left for me is only a sense of emptiness.

You might think that having nothing is fine, but emptiness is exhausting in its own way. There is almost no stimulation in my life at all, and my spirit is being eroded like a quiet torture. In my case, I even ran away from a job that required me to go to the office, so my physical strength and mental energy rapidly depleted.

To change such a life, I think I want to start participating in some kind of social gathering or volunteer work, or perhaps start a part-time job that only lasts through the morning, but I can't seem to take that step. The memories of my past failures in human relationships and work come to mind, and I just can't find the courage to take that one extra step.

However, if I stay standing still like this, I will continue to weaken mentally. A life without meeting people and without conversation slowly kills the human heart. I used to think I didn't want to be involved with anyone, but now that I've actually done it, I'm amazed at how tough it is.

When you meet people, there is always trouble. You might get caught up in infighting between groups. My innate awkwardness might backfire, and I could be bullied. I cannot ignore the risk of being looked down upon and having troublesome tasks pushed onto me. It is based solely on my own half-life of experience, but generally speaking, nothing good has ever come from participating in human relationships.

However, as mentioned above, it seems that if people don't interact with others, something breaks. For someone like me who is extremely bad at interacting with people and has a trauma-like fear of it, this is a truly difficult way to live.

Therefore, from now on, even though I am reluctant, I need to somehow or other enter the circle of people. I'm not very keen on it, and it requires as much courage as jumping off a rooftop, but I've decided that I have no choice but to do it.

As for a concrete plan, I am first thinking of participating in a social gathering or volunteer activity. Social gatherings are short, and even if I have a bad interaction, I can just leave on the spot. I have an ulterior motive for volunteering, as I think people with a positive mindset tend to gather there, and I hope to absorb some of that positivity.

Considering the economic side, a part-time job would be best, but this requires a considerable amount of effort. First, there is the tedious process of applying, followed by document screening and interviews, and even if I were lucky enough to pass, the trouble continues. When it comes to work, human relationships become fixed, and there are always people you don't like. I find it hard to bring myself to jump into that vortex of friction and human relationships.

Also, thinking about the balance with disability benefits is extremely troublesome. So, I am putting part-time jobs completely on hold. Maybe one day, if I lose my mind, I might apply.

It's a bit of a stupid story, isn't it? I ran away to my current environment because I didn't like people, and yet I'm going back into the middle of them. However, everything is an experience, and I think I can find my own problems through failure, so I intend to move forward little by little, albeit reluctantly.

My true ideal would be to live in a small but peaceful family, perhaps getting married while continuing this semi-reclusive life, but...

I have written another rambling piece. I am very sorry that this does not contain any substantial content. Please forgive me, as I will write a proper article once I have recovered.

I am somehow getting through my days by writing.
If you feel that you would like me to continue, I would be happy if you could support me.

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