What I think now, having lost my 'likes' to depression

I have lived with dysthymia since my youth, but I experienced full-blown depression in my late twenties.

From that point on, I lost the sense of what it meant to 'like' something.

Until then, I had things I enjoyed, like playing games and writing novels, but after depression, I could no longer enjoy them.
I didn't feel any joy while playing games, and as for novels, I stopped writing them entirely.

Apparently, when you have depression, you lose interest in the things you used to love.

Whoever used the word 'color' to describe life must be very clever.

After going through depression, my life literally lost its color.

I was shocked at how bland life becomes just by losing the ability to like the things you once loved.

Since then, I have lived in a daze, with only a vague sense of consciousness.

And before I knew it, more than five years had passed.

However, recently there have been slight signs of recovery.

I haven't fully regained what was lost, but I feel like I'm finally catching a glimpse of it.

I would like to take this opportunity to think about the progression of depression and how to regain the things I lost.

Acute Phase

Depression has what are known as acute symptoms.

These are symptoms where you simply cannot do anything, cry for no reason, or find your body unable to move.

During this period, you have no choice but to despair, and you likely won't have the time to think about things you like.

In my case, while I didn't have acute symptoms like crying, everything became a burden, and I became a permanent resident of my futon.

I couldn't even find the motivation to do the things I once loved.

I remember feeling anxious about that, spinning all sorts of excuses in my head, and ultimately spending days unable to move.

While you have acute symptoms, recuperation is the top priority.

Even if it's unavoidable to worry, things like what you love don't matter at a time like this.

You have no choice but to see a doctor, take your medication, get enough nutrition to stay alive, and wait for the symptoms to subside.

After passing through the storm

Most people who have experienced depression will likely realize they have lost what they love only after the storm of acute symptoms has passed.

It is only when you become able to manage your daily life to some extent that you notice the void where your 'loves' used to be.

That was the case for me too; I reached for my game console in my spare time, but no matter which game I played, I couldn't feel any joy.

As for the act of writing, I didn't even have the motivation to try.

When I was healthy, I used to write novels and such, but during this period, I even hated getting close to bookstores.

I could manage the bare minimum of life required for a human to survive.

However, the most important elements for living a happy life as a human—engaging with things you love or are interested in—had been lost.

Although it is not visible on the surface, I think this is a great source of suffering for those who have experienced depression.

The first step to regaining what you love

In my case, for a while after losing what I loved, I was simply in despair.

Thanks to the medication, I didn't have symptoms so severe that I couldn't move. I could live my life.

Yet, the elements that made me who I am had fallen away.

Honestly, I felt the end of my life more vividly during this period than when I was suffering from acute symptoms.

For a while, I just played games as if tracing what I had lost. I dug up games I had cleared in the past from storage and played them repeatedly.

I feel like I was telling myself that even if I couldn't get it back, the act of trying itself was important.

While doing so, I felt that my former love for things had returned, albeit slightly.

It was a small change, but I had started to become interested in new games.

Gradually, I started downloading and playing new titles on new hardware instead of the retro games I had played so many times.

As for my interest in writing, and by extension writing novels, I feel like I am slowly regaining it by writing on note, just as I am doing now.

This took even longer than regaining my interest in games.

By reading what others have written, trying to write on note myself, and layering article after article, I am finally starting to turn my interest toward the act of writing novels, something I once loved.

I find myself building stories in my head whenever I have free time, and I have reached a point where one more push might be enough to start writing a plot.

It really took a long time, but I would like to think that I have made significant progress compared to when I was at rock bottom.

To those who want to regain what they love

By trying the act of repeatedly engaging with things I once loved, I think I have somehow managed to regain at least fragments of the 'love' I used to have.

What I felt was important was to just try things out.
Listen to songs you used to love
Look through magazines in fields you were interested in
Watch a few minutes of a video work

It can be something small, or something casual.

If anything, it is fine to just introduce some stimulation without thinking about it at all.

I feel like I have managed to regain at least the outline of my former loves by repeating these small trials.

However, it is hard to say that I have regained the same level of interest or passion I had before I became depressed.

Where I used to have the momentum to say 'I'll do it!', now my level of enthusiasm is more like 'I guess I can do this to kill time until I die'.

Even so, I am grateful that I can engage in something.

The feeling of having done something is important for living, and I think it is a wonderful thing if that action is not painful.

If possible, I would like to immerse myself in what I love wholeheartedly, but...

The world is unreasonable, and there must be people currently experiencing terrible depression, and people who have lost what they love and are left in limbo.

If this text reaches even one more of those people and becomes a small spark for them to regain what they love, I would be happy.

I, too, am still in the midst of the trial of regaining what I love.

If I find any groundbreaking method, I intend to write about it here again.

Thank you for reading this far.
Writing articles is also an important time for me to organize my thoughts.
If you felt any empathy or gained any insights, your support would be a great encouragement for my future writing.

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