I want to live freely, I want to live as myself, a story of a journey of the heart: "Kaoru, 21 - When Traveling with the Wind" (1) Prologue: "Lies and Freedom"
~Synopsis~
At 21—a season swaying in the winds of the heart,
Kaoru watches the world before her from a slight distance.
The adults are somewhat comical, protecting their hearts with masks of model students.
But deep in her chest, something hot is quietly stirring.
A longing for a teacher and a love as pure as a dream, a dangerous and vivid experience with her peers.
All of it repaints the world,
more complex, painful, lonely, and yet free and beautiful than she had imagined.
Swaying amidst her impulses, she searches for a small light of happiness in every moment—
Kaoru heads toward her "own personal truth."
A story of one girl's quiet and free growth.
🍃Introduction🍃
I began writing this story 15 years ago at the dining table on nights when the children were fast asleep.
Back when I was busy with single parenting and work, and had almost no free time,
writing words was my "journey of the heart." It was also a
"free journey" that I had been on ever since my lonely childhood.
Around the time I was finally able to live freely,
"I want to live freely, I want to know the world, I want to love rather than be loved by someone"
—those voices began to be heard from within the story.
The editing work I started anew became, after 15 years, "the end of a journey, and a beginning."
"Kaoru, 21 - When Traveling with the Wind" contains the message:
"It's okay to enjoy your own life more."
If I could gently push someone's back,
if I could gently blow a breeze into someone's heart—
I would be very happy.
*The character illustration in the header image is my own work. (Colored pencils)
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Join Kaoru on a journey with the wind.
When you finish reading, a new breeze should be blowing in your heart.
* Tales / Also available on Shousetsuka ni Narou!
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🍃Chapter 1🍃
<Prologue> "Lies and Freedom"
My name is Kaoru. I'm 21.
Apparently, I had my coming-of-age ceremony last year. But that doesn't matter. There's no point in attending, and I have no idea what value there is in such a ritual. It makes no sense. Incomprehensible.
I am incredibly happy. I am living freely and happily.
"Life is good," "Living is fun," I think every day. There is almost nothing painful.
I do get a little sad or lonely sometimes, but that can't be helped. Because I'm human.
I'm a university student, technically. But I hardly ever go. I go occasionally, just enough not to fail my credits. That's about right for university. I have a decent number of friends, too.
I'm a second-year student at a university in Ochanomizu. I only spent one year as a ronin.
My time at prep school was surprisingly fun. I knew what I had to do, and there was no time to space out. Contrary to appearances, I actually liked studying.
As long as I'm interested, anything is fun. It doesn't matter what the subject is.
If you can genuinely take an interest in things you find "interesting," that alone is enough to make life happy.
My family home is in Yokohama. It's within commuting distance, but living with my family is inconvenient and annoying. So, I told a bunch of convenient lies and moved out on my own.
Because I love freedom. It's easy to deceive my parents.
They've convinced themselves that I'm a "reliable and serious girl," so as long as I keep up that act, everything goes well.
It's so easy it almost makes me want to laugh. But thanks to that, I'm able to live freely, so I guess I'm lucky.
I like lies. I learned them naturally from a young age.
I was often told, "You're cute," "You're so reliable," or "You seem smart." Because I have long eyelashes, people would even say things like I could balance a matchstick or two toothpicks on them. While being showered with words like that, I learned how to "put on an act."
The act of being a cute girl. The act of being a reliable girl. Fluttering my eyelashes and practicing my smile in front of the mirror. That became my way of surviving.
When I acted, the adults were pleased. They would praise me and even give me pocket money.
You can't stop doing that kind of thing, can you?
I might have been a nasty child, but I couldn't help it since it came to me so naturally. That's something you can never learn at school.
I acted, told lies, and made the adults happy. They were all happy, like idiots.
My parents bragged about me like that. I was their "pride and joy."
Adults are interesting.
Teachers are the same as parents. They decide on their own that I'm a "good girl." So, I acted the same way for them. It was easy.
Class representative, giving speeches, art competitions, essays published in the newspaper. I was always being praised, even though I never made any special effort.
I smile brightly in front of the mirror. I train my facial muscles to remember the perfect smile. I whisper "cute" to myself, and then I smile the same way in front of everyone. That alone makes everything go well.
"Adults are interesting."
I never tell anyone that. I don't say unnecessary things. That was another ironclad rule I learned early on. If I speak my true feelings, adults get angry. So, it's too much trouble, and I just keep "acting like a good girl" all the time. I only say things that make adults happy. That's what "pretty words" are. As long as I only say pretty words, I get praised. My essays even win prizes. It's very easy.
"Bright, energetic, reliable, articulate, and proactive."
I was often told that. It wasn't wrong, but I wish they wouldn't just decide that for themselves. Adults are really a pain.
I grew up smoothly and steadily. I've lived a lucky and happy life in a blessed environment without any setbacks.
My father is in real estate. He buys land, sells it, builds apartment buildings, and collects rent. He turned my grandfather's greengrocer shop into a supermarket and expanded the business from there. Now he manages rentals. He reads the Nikkei newspaper, goes around looking at land, plays golf with politicians, and gathers information. He's almost never home.
My mother is into volunteering and culture centers. She's obsessed with socializing with the wives of politicians. She would brag to her university classmates about eating at high-end restaurants in Chinatown.
It's pathetic. It makes me lose interest.
Is this person really my mother?
There is a deep chasm between my mother and me. It's a chasm that can never be filled. I don't know the reason, but perhaps we are different species of human. We live in the same house, but we live in different worlds.
My sister is just like our mother. A mediocre, ordinary, frivolous woman who gets swept away by trends. She doesn't know how to doubt. She just wants to study to get a brand name, get a job at a top-tier company, and land a top-tier husband.
I want to say, "Why don't you get plastic surgery? It'll change your life. It's faster and super easy," but I don't.
Because I know my sister is mean-spirited.
When we were little, she used to pinch the flesh on my bottom when no one was around.
My sister says things like this:
"Why don't you watch a movie once in a while? Get a hobby."
She only watches trashy, trendy movies, so what is she talking about? But I don't say anything.
"Oh, yeah," is all I say.
My sister doesn't know it, but I love movies. Especially old European films. Art-house cinema.
My favorite is the work of James Ivory. "The Remains of the Day" was the best. "Heat and Dust" and "A Room with a View" are my cinematic bibles.
But I don't talk to my sister about them. She probably wouldn't know them, and she wouldn't be interested anyway. She's the type of person who only watches what's popular.
She talks down to me, even though she knows nothing about me or movies. It's annoying, but I don't say a word.
"Huh, is that so?"
That's all.
It doesn't matter.
I'm living happily. My sister has nothing to do with me.
In our house, there are no special worries or troubles. It's a house with nothing. I'm just sitting on a gentle, flat road. No wind blows. No rain falls. But no flowers bloom either.
In such a house, I live my life skillfully and casually.
But, I am waiting.
I don't tell anyone, but from the bottom of my heart, I am waiting for something wonderful to happen. For something dramatic that makes my heart race and flutter—.
—Continued in Chapter 2—
Every Saturday, just as the wind brings another journey,
Kaoru's story moves forward one step at a time.
Please enjoy the rest of the journey.
* Tales / Shousetsuka ni Narou also available!
~All 10 Episodes URL~
Chapter 1 - Prologue: "Lies and Freedom"
Chapter 2: A Million Volts in Silver-Rimmed Glasses
Chapter 3: Judith in the Mirror
Chapter 4: Age 18 - A Comfortable Accomplice
Chapter 5: Age 19 - When the Season Ends
Chapter 6: Hiroshi on the Stairs
Chapter 7: The Road to Adulthood
Chapter 8: "Death" is Right There
Chapter 9: Souls Meeting Again
Chapter 10: Age 21, When Traveling with the Wind
~Afterword~ Finishing the Posts-
◆Magazine
~To those who read until the end~
Thank you from the bottom of my heart😊
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