An unexpected idol debut in my 50s. The search for the 'core of happiness' that started there

I'm sorry for the late report, but I have secretly made my idol debut.

I'm sorry for keeping it a secret until now.

……Though, this is just a story within note.

My dear note friend, Mi-chan, made me an idol in her article.

She featured my article titled 'Already 50? Still 50?'.

For me, living my life to the fullest in my 50s, and as an 'Isoji' (50-year-old),

Kaona Yu
—the song title is, surprisingly, 'Still Isojinancy'.

A debut, applause 👏
……And up to this point, it's a fun story.

But you know, Mi-chan doesn't just end it there.

Every time I read Mi-chan's profile, my heart tightens.

Living with higher brain dysfunction since a cerebral hemorrhage 10 years ago. Even in her daily life, where she often thinks 'Huh? Why? Oh well...', she is happily exploring with her AI partner Chappy and her cats.

While writing about difficult things as they are, there is always humor somewhere.

And with her playfulness and scouting ability, she is someone who tries to bring out the maximum charm in others.

After reading the article, I thought once again: Mi-chan is someone who is always living for the sake of others.

……To be honest, I admire people like that. I hope to become like that someday, too.

The thing is, when I do something for someone else, there is usually an 'ulterior motive' involved.

It's a hidden agenda.

If I do this, will I get something back? If I won't get anything back, I won't do it.

I have no intention of sugarcoating things.
But it is true that, at some point, my cost-benefit calculations were taking precedence.

Even when writing on note,
there was a period when 'I need to sell this somehow' was at the forefront.

At that time,
was I truly writing 'for someone else'?
Was I able to lighten someone's mind, even just a little?

Mii-chan was different.

She does it because she wants to.
That is all.

There is no pushiness,
it is subtle,
and before you know it, you find yourself saved.

You can feel that through the warmth of her kindness.

Watching Mii-chan like that,
I have thought many times, 'What about me?'

Looking back, I have always
been driving myself into a corner.

I made myself out to be a 'person of no value,'
and told myself to work because it was free.

Housework, childcare, work,
it was all expected of me.
I had no right to complain.

In that way,
I was treating myself like a slave.

Something has changed recently.

Without feeling guilty,
I have become able to decide, 'Today I will do what I want to do.'

Last night's dinner was
frozen fried chicken and store-bought sushi.

The old me
would have blamed myself, thinking, 'I should have cooked properly.'

But now,
I was able to think, 'This is fine for today.'

That wasn't cutting corners,
it was the feeling of choosing my own lifefor myself.

The happiness I wanted
was not about achieving something,
but I think it was this feeling.

I will no longer choose a life of 'wearing myself down for someone else.'
I seriously wanted to stand on my own two feet.

For that reason, I decided on one thing.

I will stop trying to anticipate what others want and acting on it.

I will act when asked. But I will stop wearing myself out by trying to stay one step ahead when I haven't been asked.

Just doing that created some breathing room in my heart.
When you have that space, strangely enough,
the steering wheel of your life returns to your own hands.

The words Mi-chan gave me that day were very simple.

Even if it's quiet now, it's building up, so it's okay.

Having received those words, I
translated them for myself like this.

Even if you can't see it now, it's getting through properly, so it's okay.That's what I told myself.

Finally, to my past self.

You are working hard.
Housework, childcare, and your job.

You are not free of charge.

So,
please cherish yourself.