Under the Cloudy Pink
I sometimes miss the toys I let go of myself.
That girl was mygod. Her hair, eyes, nose, mouth, bone structure, and even her selfish, slightly twisted personality—everything was ideal. If I could have kept believing in her, I would have just stayed a fan, locked in my room enjoying content, and never would have become an underground idol.
As I approached my debut live show, I was, as usual, forbidden from dating, and I had to cut ties with Endo, a guy whose speech was as simple as hiragana—in other words, someone I had feelings for.
That said, it had long been clear that my feelings were unrequited, so it ended simply by deleting his contact information.
“Yeah, yeah, goodbye everyone.”
I also blocked all the other male friends who might be suspected by the <management>. When I think about it, it’s terrifying that I could banish them from my world with just the movement of my fingers.
From now on, I’ll work harder on dancing and singing than on friendship or romance, and eventually, I’ll make it to the surface.
Even if the name I was given, Akatoki Rakko, is something I’m a bit hesitant to introduce myself as.
The girl I admired had been wearing pink and performing at live shows in Tokyo until the day before, but then, perhaps having used the wrong social media account, she posted a photo of herself with a visual-kei band member whose eyes looked three times larger than hers without makeup, adding the caption “I love you,” which caused quite a stir in the scene.
On top of that, the boyfriend’s official account flatly denied it, saying, “There is no truth to the dating rumors,” which meant he pushed her away, and she was bashed from all sides for her easy-to-hate hints.
Naturally, she was fired from her idol group. Even so, I tried my best to defend her and sent her a direct message of support, only to be disappointed when she replied with abuse, saying, “That kind of stuff is annoying.”
In reality, as a shut-in who had never once set foot in a live venue, I didn’t understand many things, so I had only added fuel to the fire (though now I understand her feelings a little better).
Meanwhile, a selfie I posted went explosively viral, and I was scouted by my current agency. Coincidentally, my member color is the same (pink), and it’s incorporated into my costume, which makes a dry, hollow laugh escape me.
“Rakko-chan, you look so relaxed, it’s nice.”
When I returned to the dressing room after rehearsal, Hakubo Mejiro, the blue member sitting next to me who was carefully applying makeup to her under-eye bags, muttered. She kept drawing lines with her eyeliner, blending them, and tilting her head. There were already plenty of unnatural shadows under her eyes.
“Do I look that way?”
“Yeah. Because you came in with perfect makeup.”
After saying that, Mejiro clicked the cap of her eyeliner shut and picked at the sweets provided as a gift. I waited for her to continue, but she focused on her makeup and chatted happily with the other members before the show.
A group I can’t quite fit into, cheap costumes with thin fabric, a microphone with a pink sticker on it, rewriting my ideals to become a perfect idol, 3, 2, 1... As I stepped onto the stage, my eyes met those of a tall man standing at the back of the cramped audience, and I almost screamed.
Endo was waving a pink glow stick.
The person I once loved so single-mindedly was cheering for me as an idol.
With this unexpected turn of events, my lingering feelings ached, and just as the live show I would never forget for the rest of my life was about to begin, I suddenly realized something.
There was a girl with twin tails next to him.
She wore a smile that seemed to mock me, touched Endo’s shoulder, and whispered something in his ear. And to make matters more infuriating, her face was much more refined than mine, and she looked great in her frilly blouse and jumper skirt.
He didn’t have to bring his girlfriend (I felt like I’d been lifted up for a moment, only to be dropped immediately).
The youth I had put an end to myself was being revived by useless expectations. Perhaps the former pink member was also one of those toyed with by this.
Since the past keeps chasing me like this, I’ll just throw away my toys, and even if he shows up at a fan event, I’ll pretend not to know him.
With my heart in such turmoil, Endo left in a hurry with his girlfriend, and my first live show ended in a disastrous result, with both my dancing and singing worse than a preschool play.