I was a typical abandonment schemer.
Today's theme
【Abandonment Schemer】
An abandonment schemer seems to refer to people who
fall into the mindset that they will be disliked anyway, or that the other person will abandon them anyway,
and who end up worsening relationships by engaging in testing behaviors.
For example, when the frequency of contact from a lover decreases,
they become anxious, assume on their own that they are no longer needed,
and by engaging in testing behaviors,
they worsen the relationship, further reinforcing the schema, leading to a vicious cycle where they self-destruct.
After struggling with my mental health, among the many videos and
articles I have watched and read, the content and term that applied to me the most
was the abandonment schemer.
Come to think of it, when I became unstable,
just because there were two days where I didn't get a message as usual,
I would jump to the conclusion that they wouldn't contact me anymore or that they hated me,
letting my persecution mania run wild on my own, even though nothing had actually happened,
just because I was lonely and became anxious on my own,
if the reason I was told they wanted to distance themselves was because I went out of control,
then I am completely a member of the abandonment schemers.
Summarizing what I have learned from watching many articles and videos so far,
Characteristics of an abandonment schemer
Strong fear of abandonment
Attachment style is the anxious type with the strongest fear of abandonment
Typical abandonment schemer
Prone to statements and thoughts that border on testing behavior
Prone to anxiety by thinking about the future rather than what is happening in front of them
It is clear that they are prone to this way of thinking.
And even if it is not testing behavior,
the fact that they often ask the other person if they will betray them
or abandon them, if this is called testing behavior, then it is a typical abandonment schemer, and there is a very strong aspect that is close to borderline personality disorder.
How to deal with this fear of abandonment is
my current challenge, and if I don't handle this well myself,
I'm sure that even if I connect with someone again, I will worry if the same thing happens, and I feel like I will just be someone who suffers in the same situation with a different partner.
So, I realized that it is important to reassure myself first, so I have summarized what comes to mind.
List of things to do when you feel anxious
Tell yourself that what you are thinking right now is persecution mania
Tell yourself that there is no end to thinking about things that have no end
Realize that nothing will change even if you feel anxious and impatient right now
Value your own time as well
Do not deny or blame your own thoughts or actions
Do not get too caught up in the other person
Do not vent alone, but vent to those around you
I'm sure this is all content that has appeared in many videos and articles,
but there are truly times when I'm just imagining things on my own,
and there have been times when I was actually feeling anxious, but the other person was just really busy,
so I keenly realized that it is very important to tell myself that everything I'm thinking is just an illusion.
It's difficult, but since I'm the only one who can fight my own battles,
I think it's important to express things by writing them down like this and to organize my thoughts while receiving counseling.