Photograph
Discussion
Its strange how I’ve never felt happy in the last 2 years.
I am a graduate music student, and I have never felt glad about anything I have done, partly because genuinely don’t feel accomplishment not matter how big it is, and also I don’t want to appear like I am complacent with my current skill level, as complacent people stop improving and therefore become mediocre. I would never allow myself to appear shallow. The fact that there are people who play better invalidates any value in my performances.
A couple weeks ago, I felt deeply ashamed of myself after my final recital, because of nervousness even though I practiced a lot I declare it as fundamentally a failure both musically and morally despite everyone telling me how amazing it is. I have done severe injustice to the works and composers. If my performance happens to be different than how I envision it, I feel like it is shameful travesty failure.
I believe being mediocre is a sin. Even when I play video games I play to be good at them, not to have fun.
I believe I am fundamentally unworthy, and I have to create worth by achievement, and through the cleanest routes and least mistakes possible in order to not stain the world with my imperfections.
Every time I look at my childhood photos of myself i think “oh what a piece of shit he is” (obnoxious child) because he has made too many mistakes to be worthy in my eyes. Should have been less like a child and a lot more mature, and achieved more.
I hit myself sometimes as punishment for my imperfections. I think I deserve it for all the wrongs I have committed and bad performances I have made. I have never done a good performance in my entire life, and all good things I have done loses its meaning when I make a mistake.
- Got kicked out of piano class due to lack of progress at age 13(I am 23 now)
- Didn’t progress fast enough on flute to be a prodigy
- Never produced any good performance(meaning playing every note exactly the same as my conception of the work)
I didn’t practice much for 2 weeks in December, my parents were very mad at me, and now I still beat myself wake up and practice 6-8 hours a day so I could be not so goddamn inept.
I went back to my hometown in China and the after meeting my relatives I wonder so much why is everyone so much happier despite a lower standard of living. I really don’t understand why some people on the other side of the Earth can live happily without these expectations, and somehow everyone on this side of the world just fulfills these expectations with no problems. They take care of themselves well, and then get by without feeling any kind of unworthiness. Is it just a consequence of me having autism, or its more because of the kind of expectations we have as classical musicians?
