When You Feel Unrewarded Despite Your Efforts—How I Realized My 'Attachment'

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"I feel like I'm the only one working hard"—
That thought was always deep in my heart.
But I never imagined it was actually "attachment."

I had devoted myself to my husband, my family, and others, yet for some reason, my heart never felt fulfilled, and I always felt lonely somewhere.
When I realized the reason, I finally understood that I had been attached to "the version of myself that devoted everything."
This is the record of my journey to that realization.

Even if I was an "ideal wife" on the surface, my heart was lonely

I think that to others, I appeared to be a "good wife" back then.
That is because I supported my husband, was obedient to my in-laws, and did not cut corners with housework.
But inside, I was always lonely.
"I have to do everything myself"—I spent my days trapped by that thought.

Shortly after we married, my father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, and we began living with my in-laws.
Around that time, I found out I was pregnant, so I quit my job and, while pregnant, helped my father-in-law and mother-in-law, and took on the role of supporting my busy husband.

My husband is kind, but he is very dedicated to his work and often came home late.
In the midst of that, I lived by prioritizing my family while putting my own feelings and physical condition on the back burner.

After my father-in-law passed away, I poured my energy into supporting my mother-in-law, who was suffering from the loss.
"If I am not here, this family will not function"—
That thought became stronger and stronger.

I thought I was acting "for the sake of my family," but that was not the case

Eventually, my husband fell into a state of depression due to overwork, and my focus shifted to caring for his mind and body.
I had come to believe that "taking care of someone" was my only value as a person.

Despite my best efforts to care for him, my husband ended up getting hooked on gambling...

Back then, my mind was always full of thoughts about my husband.
Even when my children spoke to me, I was somewhat absent-minded.
I was acting with the single-minded focus of "I have to do something about my husband's problem."

Seeing my tense (and aggressive) atmosphere, my second son tried hard to be a "good boy."
Meanwhile, my eldest son intentionally acted in unexpected ways to get my attention.
Even so, I was not properly facing either of them.

My gaze was always directed only at the "problems," and I was not seeing the "children themselves."

By the time my husband recovered, the children, who had received absolutely no maternal attention, were out of energy, and both of them stopped going to school at the same time.

Was "for the sake of the family" really "for someone else's sake"?

Thinking about it now, I might have been acting "for my own sake" while saying it was "for the family."
If I am not needed by someone, I lose sight of my own existence—
That was the state of my heart.

This state of "being unable to affirm oneself unless one is useful to someone else" is called "codependency."

Codependency is a mental pattern often seen in people who, since childhood, have been accustomed to "prioritizing their parents' feelings over their own (anticipating them)."
However, a codependent relationship can, without one knowing, turn into a situation where you become the one "robbing the other person of their independence."
Whether it is a child or a partner.

I thought I was "supporting" my family, but in reality, I might have been "controlling" them.

I was trapped by my attachment to "the version of myself that devoted everything"

I truly believed I had been doing my best for my family.
For my husband, for my in-laws, for my children.
But now, this is what I think.

I believed that my value lay in being someone who gives everything.
Enduring without a word, taking on more than others, prioritizing someone else over myself—
I was afraid that if I let those things go, I would become a 'bad mother' or a 'bad wife,'
as if I would be rejected by something.
That is why I was attached to the version of myself that gives everything.

But now I understand that to truly connect with my family, I first need to connect with my 'true self,' not the version of me that exists for others.

Back then, I think it would have been closer to the truth if I had said,
'I am giving everything, so please don't reject me.'
That is what I really meant.