The Desire 'Not to Be Disliked' Is Destroying You: The True Nature of the Bias That Distorts Observation

The Desire 'Not to Be Disliked' Is Destroying You: The True Nature of the Bias That Distorts Observation

Z Observer | Techniques of Observation

A sequel to the previous article, 'Observing "That Person Hates Me"'

I received a lot of reactions to the previous article.

Last time, I wrote about the misobservation that 'that person hates me'.

I received more reactions than I expected.

Here, I would like to present a deeper problem.

Could there be some other cause for the self that observes 'I might have been disliked'?

This time, I will write about the 'true nature of what is distorting the observation'.

Why do you only make 'bad observations'?

There is an important premise in the observation theory of quantum mechanics.

The precision of the observation device determines the observation result.

The temperature measured with a broken thermometer deviates from the actual temperature. The scenery seen through a distorted lens is different from the actual scenery.

It is an obvious story.

However, we have almost no awareness of the 'observation device' in daily human relationships.

When you feel 'I might have been disliked,' what you are observing is not the friend's attitude. What you are observing is the distorted image reflected in your own observation device.

The true nature of that distortion is the strong desire 'not to be disliked'—in other words, bias.

The structure by which 'not wanting to be disliked' drives observation crazy

What happens when you have a strong desire 'not to be disliked' in your heart?

The brain begins to excessively pick up information related to that desire.

• Short reply → You immediately interpret it as 'Are they angry?'

• No eye contact → You instantly interpret it as 'Am I being avoided?'

• Stiff expression → You reflexively interpret it as 'Are they in a bad mood?'

In psychology, this is a phenomenon known as 'selective attention'.

The stronger your desire, the more your brain tunes itself to ensure you don't miss related information. As a result, information that is essentially trivial is observed as a significant sign.

This is the same state as viewing the world through a distorted lens.

The observation device itself is already distorted.

And the troublesome part is that the more distorted a person is, the more they believe their observations are the 'accurate reality'.

The true nature of 'I don't want to be disliked'

Why do you want so badly not to be disliked?

I have worked in jobs involving people for a long time. As a business owner, in local community activities, in negotiations with government officials, and as an individual. Looking back at the many people I have seen there, behind the 'fear of being disliked,' there are usually three layers.

Layer 1: The safety assurance program formed in childhood

As children, humans were creatures who could not survive if disliked by adults.

If you displeased your parents, you might not get fed. If you were disliked by your teacher, you might lose your place.

This survival instinct is deeply engraved in the brain during childhood. The fear of being disliked was once a fear directly linked to life itself.

However, now that you are an adult, you will not lose your life if you are disliked. Nevertheless, only the brain's program remains as it was in childhood.

In quantum mechanical terms, it is a state where you are trying to measure current reality with an old version of an observation device.

Layer 2: Addiction to the 'drug' of approval

'Being liked' and 'being acknowledged' stimulate a powerful reward system in the brain. Dopamine is released. You feel good. You want more.

This is the very mechanism of addiction.

The stronger your dependence on being liked, the stronger the opposite—the fear of being disliked.

Observation equipment becomes distorted under the influence of addictive substances. Reality, which should be visible, becomes invisible.

Layer 3: Your own outline is formed by the evaluations of others

And this layer is the deepest rooted of all.

A state where you define 'who you are' based on the evaluations of others.

When you are liked by others, you feel like a person of value. When you are about to be disliked by others, your very existence feels shaken.

In this state, changes in the other person's attitude are observed as a crisis of your own existence. That is why you react excessively. That is why you cannot sleep. That is why you want to confirm it, even if it means destroying the relationship.

The distortion of observation comes from here.

The relationship between the 'observer' and the 'observed' as shown by quantum mechanics

One of the deepest insights of quantum mechanics is this.

The observer and the observed cannot be separated.

When observing a particle, the act of observation itself influences the particle. It is fundamentally impossible to 'look from the outside' in a pure sense.

Human relationships have the exact same structure.

When you observe someone else, your own state is mixed into the observation result.

• If you observe while having low self-esteem, it looks like you are 'being disliked'

• If you observe while tired, it looks like you are 'being treated coldly'

• If you observe while anxious, it looks like you are 'being avoided'

What is being observed is not the other person's attitude. What is being observed is 'your own inner self, projected through the other person's attitude.'

This is the true insight that quantum mechanics teaches us about human relationships.

Z-style Observation Syntax, Advanced Version: Adding 'the observer's state' as Layer 0

Last time, I introduced the Z-style observation syntax in three layers.

• Layer 1 | Observed facts

• Layer 2 | Observer's interpretation

• Layer 3 | Unobserved territory

This time, I will add a Layer 0 to this structure.

Layer 0 | Observer's state (State of the observation equipment)

Your own state before you observe.

• Did you get enough sleep today?

• How is your physical and mental condition?

• Are you feeling anxious or impatient?

• Did something unpleasant happen just before?

• Is the desire to "not be disliked" working strongly right now?

Just by passing through this Layer 0, 90% of your observations will change.

Observations on a day when you are tired and observations on a day when you have slept well reflect completely different realities. Even when looking at the same attitude from the same person, your interpretation will change 180 degrees depending on your own state.

Therefore, check your own state before observing. This is the advanced form of observation technique.

Three practical methods to adjust the observer's state

I will write down three methods I have arrived at over 20 years to adjust Layer 0.

Method 1: Ask yourself, "Should I observe now?"

The moment you are shaken by the other person's attitude, do not interpret it immediately.

First, ask yourself. "Is this the right time to observe?"

• Hold off on observations made when you are tired until the next morning.

• Revisit observations made when you are hungry after you have eaten.

• Re-evaluate observations made when you are upset after you have calmed down.

Do not record observations when your observation equipment is not functioning properly. This is a fundamental principle of physics, and it can be applied to daily life as well.

Method 2: Keep a 'Record of the Observer'

When something bothers you, make a note of it in the following format.

【日時】○月○日 22時
【状態】睡眠不足・締切前・イライラ気味
【観測】友人Aの返事が素っ気なかった
【解釈】嫌われたかもしれない
【未観測】相手の事情は不明

If you continue this for about a month, you will see a surprising pattern.

'The worse my state of mind, the worse my interpretation.' 'When I read it back the next morning, most of my interpretations feel completely off the mark.'

The distortion of your observations becomes visualized as data.

Method 3: Create 'Your Own Outline' Outside of Others

Fundamentally, you need to stop defining your existence through the evaluations of others.

This cannot be done overnight. However, it can be built up little by little in your daily life.

• Have a habit you continue even if no one praises you for it.

• Value things you find 'fun' that are unrelated to the evaluations of others.

• Keep a record of your own efforts that only you know about.

Little by little, create your own outline in a place separate from the evaluations of others.

By doing this, your observations will no longer be distorted. The attitude of others will no longer shake your existence.

Not 'It's okay to be disliked,' but 'Being a self that can observe.'

Common self-help advice is to 'have the courage to be disliked.'

That may be one way to do it. However, I would like to propose something a little different.

Instead of putting on a brave face and saying, 'I don't care if I'm disliked,' it is better to aim to 'be someone who can observe things accurately.'

Wanting not to be disliked is a natural emotion. There is no need to deny it.

However, you must be someone who can check whether that emotion is distorting your observation apparatus or not.

If you can notice the distortion, your observations can be corrected. Once your observations are corrected, the reality of your relationships will come into view. Once you see the reality of your relationships, you will naturally be disliked less in the first place.

This is because you will stop taking actions that destroy relationships due to misobservation.

The final hope that quantum mechanics teaches us

Quantum mechanics has a wonderful concept.

Decoherence—the phenomenon where a superposition state converges into a single state through observation.

While this is a topic of physics, it can also be applied to human relationships.

When you think, 'I might be disliked,' reality is still in a superposition state. Various possibilities coexist.

At that moment, depending on what kind of observer you are, the reality that it converges into will change.

If you make a distorted observation, it will converge into a distorted reality. If you make a balanced observation, it will converge into a balanced reality.

As an observer, you are choosing your reality.

This fact is both terrifying and, at the same time, a source of hope.

This is because correcting your observations is technically possible.

Finally, I will leave you with one thing.

The desire to 'not be disliked' has been causing you pain.

But that desire itself is also proof that you are a creature who wants to connect with others. There is no need to deny it.

However, you are allowed to notice that this desire is distorting your observation apparatus. Once you notice it, you can correct it. Once you correct it, the world you see will change.

You are allowed to possess the technique to correct your observations.

Quantum mechanics quietly shows us the gateway to that technology.

Z Observer | Using quantum mechanics as a gateway to observe the universe, AI, management, and life. A record of a human who continues to hone the 'power to see' from the field and practical experience.

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Transforming 'Observation' in Quantum Mechanics into a Technique for Emotions and Management Decisions: Seeing Yourself and Others from a Higher Perspective, Implementation of Differentiation Cosmology

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It is an article for improving the accuracy of your judgments by not being consumed by emotions, not being dragged into others' issues, and not reading numbers superficially.It is.

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