I don't have to be the 'me' someone else imagines. A story about the pain of being forced into a mold

Hello🌻

I was often told, "You're so serious" or "You're so reliable."

Of course, I was happy to hear those words.

But at some point, I started to feel bound by them.

I have to be the "reliable me."

I have to be the "serious me."

I feel like I was forcing myself into a mold like that.

This time, I want to write about that "pain of being forced into a mold."

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For a long time, I was someone often described as "serious," "reliable," or "kind."

I think that was just the impression people around me had when they looked at me.

But I felt I couldn't break that impression.

I mustn't complain.

I mustn't rely on others.

I have to keep it together.

Those feelings grew little by little.

In reality, there are days when I'm tired.

There are days when I don't want to do anything.

There are days when I want to lean on someone.

But I was afraid to show that side of myself.

"If I show this side of me, they might be disappointed."

Thinking that, I kept hiding my true self.

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After developing an anxiety disorder, I could no longer continue being the "reliable me."

I couldn't smile even if I wanted to.

I couldn't try hard even if I wanted to.

There were days when even meeting people was painful.

Things I had been able to do naturally until now, I could no longer do.

At first, I blamed myself over and over, thinking, "I'm no good like this."

But as I recovered, I realized something little by little.

Being myself was far more important than being the "serious me" or the "reliable me."

I have my own way of thinking.

I have my own way of feeling.

I have my own pace of walking.

So, I don't have to try to be the "me" that someone else imagines.

I don't have to force myself into any kind of mold.

It's okay to live as I am.

Once I was able to think that way, my heart felt a little lighter.

Of course, there are still days when I worry about what others think.

There are days when I think, "I have to keep it together."

But I no longer deny that part of myself either.

It's okay not to be perfect.

It's okay to have days when I can't try hard.

It's okay to have a weak side.

I've come to realize that all of it, taken together, is me.

In truth, it might not have been that someone else was forcing me into a mold, but that I myself was the one afraid of stepping out of it.

But I've decided to stop living as the "me" someone else imagines.

I will be myself.

Honest to my own heart.

From now on, I want to walk through life at my own pace.

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Perhaps right now,

"I have to keep it together."

"I have to live up to expectations."

There might be someone out there tormenting themselves with those feelings.

But it's okay if you don't try to be the you that someone else imagines.

You have your own way of thinking.

You have your own way of feeling.

You have your own pace of walking.

So, you don't have to force yourself into someone else's mold.

You, just as you are, have value.

I am also still in the middle of practicing how to live as myself.

I intend to keep walking through life at my own pace from here on out too🌿