Between Asymptomatic Corpus Callosum Dysgenesis and the Term Developmental Disability, Part 3: Why I Am Unexpectedly Vulnerable
Why I am unexpectedly vulnerable
I am unexpectedly vulnerable.
Even over small things,
if things don't go as planned, I freeze up.
—
For example.
Something that should be in its usual place is missing.
A set routine changes.
I am suddenly asked a question.
In that moment,
my mind goes blank.
It's not that I'm angry.
It's not that I'm sulking either.
My processing has stopped.
—
To those around me,
“Over something like that?”
“You're inflexible.”
“You worry too much.”
That might be how it looks.
But for me,
the ground disappears for a moment.
—
I have
corpus callosum dysgenesis.
The part that connects the left and right sides of my brain is slightly different from birth.
What I feel is that my
“switching”is slow.
When the flow I anticipated
and the actual flow diverge,
it takes time to bridge that gap.
—
I hear that among those with developmental traits,
there are people who feel intense stress from deviations in prediction.
When I read the explanation for autism spectrum disorder,
I felt like I understood a little bit.
In fact, I have my own“way of doing things”and“order”that I am particular about.
But that is
simply because I want to maintain“the world I predicted.”When that
“world I assumed”breaks down,I cannot recover for a moment.
—
I can handle it later.
I can become calm.
I can explain the reason.
But in that moment,
I stop.
That
“pause”createsmisunderstandings.
I look grumpy.
I look like I'm angry.
I look like someone who is inflexible.
That's wrong.
I'm just
recalculating.
—
I always thought
that I was weak-willed.
But lately I think,
this might not be a matter of mental strength,
but a matter of processing speed.
—
The reason I am vulnerable to the unexpected is
because I am trying to properly predict the world.
Because I am not living carelessly.
Because I am building things carefully.
That is why it hurts when it collapses.
—
If you, too,
get very tired from schedule changes.
If you freeze up from sudden questions.
That is not selfishness.
It might be proof that your brain is desperately trying to keep up.
---
Next time preview: [Between Asymptomatic Corpus Callosum Dysgenesis and the Term Developmental Disability, Part 4: Freezing is Not Laziness]
Please read it if you'd like.
There is also a magazine. Please check that out too if you'd like.
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