Why I Cannot Say NO

Even though I want to say NO,
the words that come out of my mouth are always YES.

I cannot refuse when asked.
Even when I know it is a burden, I end up taking it on.

It is not that I do not want to be disliked.
It is not because I am weak, either.

It is just that I can tell,
in the other person's mind, things are moving forward under the assumption that I will say YES.

Saying NO
would mean ruining all of their plans
and forcing them to start over from the beginning.

I feel like that is a "bad thing" to do,
so I end up saying YES.

It is not because I am weak.
In truth, I am just highly sensitive to kindness.

The reason I react immediately to someone's request
is because I have a desire to cherish others.

But as a result of that,
there are times when I end up hurting myself.

Have you ever had an experience like that, too?

1. Why I came to be unable to say NO

The circumstances differ from person to person.
In my case, it was largely because I learned as a child that "enduring things leads to peace."

When I was in elementary school,
just hearing or seeing others fighting made my heart uneasy.
There were times when I was caught in the middle.

That is why I—
"I do not want to make waves"
"I want to live quietly"
thinking that way, I stopped asserting my opinions.

In my relationship with my parents,
I confirmed my place by meeting their expectations.

Even when I made an effort, I was rarely praised.
I would be told, "You can do better than that."

Before long,
the belief that "meeting expectations equals my value"
began to grow.

2. The fear of saying NO as an adult

Once you enter society,
the "reasons for not being able to say NO" take on a different form.

NO equals lowering your evaluation
NO equals losing your role
NO equals potentially having your place taken away

Such fear clings to the depths of my heart.

That is why,
far from being able to say NO,
I even started saying "I'll do it"
to things that were the opposite of my true feelings.

3. What happens when you cannot say NO

You lose track of your own will.
The place where your true feelings lie becomes blurred.

"What do I want to value?"
"What kind of adult do I want to become?"

When I could no longer answer those questions,
I had the feeling of quietly drifting away from my own life.

4. Practice in cultivating small NOs

I first
re-examined my "reason for being here."

Why am I here?
And do I "want" to be here?

If wanting to be here equals YES,
then what is this "current NO" protecting?
I think about it using a fundamental yardstick.

Conversely, if it is not that important,
I asked myself this:

"Is the future I gain by taking this on the future I desire?"

If it is the desired future, then YES.
If not, then NO.

Even if you say NO,
there is surprisingly little to lose.

The other person, surprisingly, does not take it too heavily.
Because saying NO is not being selfish,
but an act of protecting what is important to you.

And there are also situations where you do not have to say NO clearly.

"If there is another opportunity,"
"That day seems difficult,"
"Please let me take this back to consider."

While respecting the other person,
there are many ways to protect your own boundaries.

5. Finally

Before my title as a working professional,
before being a mother,
before being a wife,

I am me.

The people close to me should be the ones who
try to cherish that "me."

In truth,
no one can blame you for saying NO.

What I want to protect,
I am allowed to hold dear.

To return to my own life,
let's cultivate small NOs.