Living as an Artist [Record of Introspection]

For a long time, I have been averting my eyes from the fact that I have an artistic temperament.
...Just writing this sentence already feels somewhat embarrassing...

But, while I'm at it, I'll change it to "I am an artist."
"Temperament" is unnecessary. That, too, is just a deception.

Even though I knew this, the superficial me had been denying it all along.
　
　It would be presumptuous for someone like me to say such a thing
　There are so many people better than me
　Compared to them, my expressions are something to be ashamed of

I couldn't admit to being an expressive person, nor could I declare it publicly.
Even without declaring it, I couldn't build anything solid within myself.

But, through the introspection and realizations of the past week or two,
I felt that it's finally okay to properly admit it,
or rather, that I must admit it, that I must change my consciousness,
otherwise I will lose my way again in the future,
that is what I came to think.

Yes, I have been losing my way all along.
Unconsciously, on purpose.
Out of a lack of courage, fear, and economic reasons.

I wonder if I have always been using money as an excuse.
"I have to work because I need money to live."

Because I made this my top priority,
my expression has always been smoldering inside me.
In this state, I can hardly call myself an artist.

Even though I wanted to express myself, the "I must earn money" voice inside me never went away, so I even tried my hand at selling products.

But in the world of "selling things," there are certain molds that I just can't seem to fit into,
and I would try to accept them and give it a go, telling myself that this is common sense in this world, but in the end, I just couldn't do it.

It is here that I finally realize.
This way of doing things doesn't suit me.
When I prioritize earning money, goals, or numbers,
it just doesn't go well, and it doesn't feel right.
You could also say that I cannot perform at my best.

That said, it remains true that the economy is important.
There are many people who can balance both.
But, for now, it seems it's not for me.

So, instead of living with those things in mind,
I have decided to live by choosing what aligns with my heart.
I decided to do that.
Or rather, I can no longer live any other way.
In that sense, I was able to think of myself as an artist.

Ah, why couldn't I have realized this sooner!
Looking back, I'm repeating the same things.
Repeating, and repeating...
I'm an idiot.
I've wasted 20 years...
I suppose it's not a waste because I took a detour, and because I realized it now...
Even so, though.

But since I realized it before I died, if I change direction here and now, isn't it still in time?

Can I do it? Me.
Just by putting it into words like this,
I can tell that there is still a part of me that is wavering.
Including that weakness, I will move forward gradually.
As an artist.