How to Live Without Wearing Yourself Out

Good evening.
This is yumi.

I ama 9th-generation apprentice of counselor Hiroyuki Nemoto.

Today, I'm going to talk about how I had a serious case when I received counseling from my mentor, Nemoto-sensei, for the first time in a while.

I had a private session with him once before becoming his apprentice, but this was the first time in a long while.

He is often called a "counselor whose appointments are booked up three months in advance," but I suspect he's actually bad at planning ahead, so he probably doesn't even take bookings that far out.

There is no apprentice discount or special apprentice slot, so I had to book like everyone else. I couldn't get a spot in the March intake, so I managed to slide into a slot in April.
Of course, I took a paid leave day from work for that day without hesitation.

What I consulted him about was, "Sensei, what should I do? I've started wanting to quit my job."

As always, Sensei listened to my story calmly.

He said that I should take the situation seriously.
He said it was a grave state of affairs.

He told me that if I'm going to escape, I should do it quickly.
The reason he said that is because once you break your heart, it takes a very long time to recover.

I am a reader of his blog and also his apprentice.
I feel like I understand his counseling style.

For him to say that I should take it seriously and that I should escape quickly made me suddenly terrified, wondering if I was in a serious condition—or perhaps even critical.

Of course, as always, he dug deep into my upbringing and how I had overcome things in the past.
And then, he would occasionally cast his gaze toward the upper right, look at me, and mutter, "I see."

In the demo sessions during our training courses, since it's also for learning counseling, there is time for him to explain these "I see" parts or allow us to ask questions, but today was my counseling session.

I should have asked about what I wanted to know.
But I was anxious. So I didn't ask.

What was he saying "I see" to?
As someone who worships him, I felt that if I asked, his answer would become my answer.

I felt that how I interpret that "I see" part and how I apply it is something that should come from within me, not something to ask him.

I said, "I've started wanting to quit my job."
But perhaps, in truth, the main issue this time was, "I don't want to quit, but it's so painful that I want to."

In the middle of the session, he asked, "How far do you want to talk today? Do you want to solve something?"

Rarely for him, he even asked concrete questions, like if I were to quit before winter comes, when would I need to tell the company?

But.
He probably never talked about whether to quit the company or not from start to finish.

Make the client aware of their chief complaint.
Whatever you choose, believing in yourself that 'this is me' is what matters.
I think that was the goal of this counseling session.

When I first received counseling from my mentor, the impressive words he said to me were,
"If you do that, you won't be able to have confidence in your own affection or way of loving, right?"
That was it.

What was impressive this time was,
"So, you've lost confidence in your own choices, haven't you?"
That was it.

My mentor's counseling is always like that.
His blog is the same. Everything is.
Regaining yourself.
Becoming able to believe in yourself.
Becoming able to have confidence in your own love and your own choices.
Guiding you there is my mentor's counseling style.

Whether you choose something, don't choose, or can't choose,
that's just who I am, right?
That's the point, he said.

That's right, it's the same thing I thought when the apprentice course ended.

I will live as this me.

Uh, no, no, Mentor, what are you saying (angry laugh)

So, like, which 'me' should I live as? (lost)

He said it's better to move while you still can.
And,
that it's a chance to change yourself, a chance to change your way of life.

When it comes to this, the creature known as the independent warrior woman, the samurai, the yumi, is someone who thinks grandly and makes things dramatic.

That's why I think about big things.

Change myself?
Move while I can?
Run away?

Like, I can't change unless I quit the company! Or,
To save myself, I have to run away in the middle of the night and get out of here right now! Or,
Get a medical certificate and take a leave of absence! Or something like that.

So, how about we start by changing the 'me' that immediately jumps to extreme conclusions?
Isn't that where we should start?

That means,
it's not about quitting, moving, taking a break, or leaving it to the next life,
but perhaps it's about calling someone you trust and crying when things are tough.
Or, precisely when things are tough, laughing off the situation with someone you trust.

No, no, wait.
I've been doing that for a long, long time.
I've been doing it forever.

Even though I endure too much, I can't endure it all, so I complain.
The final solution is always effort and patience.
But when I can't do that, I cry to others and cause trouble.

And blaming myself for that is all part of the set.
Blaming myself for that is all part of the set.
(This is important, so I'll say it twice)

If I complain, I blame myself tens of thousands of times more.
Because I couldn't endure it, I blame myself hundreds of millions of times more.

Then at least,
I thought I'd try to stop just the last part, 'blaming myself'.
Even so, I can't stop.
Then at least,
let's make the units a little smaller, not billions, not tens of thousands.

This is it, a chance to change myself has arrived!

Because,
throughout my life so far, there have been many people and places that have helped me.
And there are definitely many people who want to help me.

Why are the people around me so kind?
If I can't believe in myself, I'll try believing in those around me.

How to live without wearing yourself down.
If such a thing exists,
it is,
not blaming yourself, no matter who you are.
Even when you blame yourself, accepting it by saying, "Yeah, that's me, I'm there."

The only one who can save you, the only one who can make you happy, is yourself.
When you say it like that, it sounds incredibly cold, and I don't really like it.

But, conversely, it also means that the only one who can hurt you is yourself.
When you look at it that way, there are many people who can save me.

It's okay.

Because you've made it this far.
Even now, you are properly alive.
After all, you could never have made it this far on your own.

Changing yourself
isn't some grand drama; it's just the accumulation of plain, steady days.

And this act of "trying to consult with a counselor mentor" is the very first step in changing yourself.
Until now, your only option was to try your best without consulting anyone.

To you, the kind person who always wears yourself down.
To you, who accidentally ends up painting a grand life drama.
If you'd like, please let me listen to your story.
Let's start together, from one small step.

Card sessions are now accepting bookings.

Thank you for always reading.
Your likes and comments always make me happy.

See you again.

yumi