The Psychology of Being Unable to Say "Help Me" or Rely on Others: For Those Who Swallow Those Words

When things are tough, when you are suffering. How much easier would it be if you could just say "help me" to someone?
Even while thinking that, those words somehow get stuck deep in your throat.
Have you ever had that experience?
I have, too. Especially after becoming a working adult, I realized for the first time that I was unable to rely on others or ask for help.
Also, as a certified public psychologist and nurse, I feel every day how difficult it is to "ask for help" while talking to many people.
And I always think that it is not because that person is weak, but because they have their own reasons and history.

Beliefs that stop you from saying "help me"

When you cannot say "help me," there are often beliefs lurking in the background that you are not even aware of yourself.
In psychology, these beliefs are sometimes called "schemas." They are things acquired naturally through childhood experiences or the environment in which you were raised, and for the person themselves, they are like "assumptions so obvious that you don't notice them."
For example, these kinds of beliefs:
"I must not be a burden to others"
In Japanese culture, many people hold this belief. Of course, consideration for others is important. But when this becomes too strong, an equation is formed: "My troubles will be a burden to someone else" and "Relying on someone = doing something bad to them."
"I should handle my own problems myself"
This is a common belief among those with a strong sense of independence or those who have been told they are "reliable" since childhood. Sometimes, the experience of being praised turns into the pressure that "I must do it alone" before you know it.
"If I show weakness, I will be abandoned"
This can be deeply related to the upbringing environment in early childhood. When experiences like not being accepted when you cried or being denied when you expressed emotions accumulate, the fear that "if I show my weak self, this relationship will end" takes root.
"They won't understand anyway"
If you have had the experience of gathering the courage to consult someone in the past only to have it brushed off or denied, you learn that "it's useless to say anything." This is also related to learned helplessness, and it can sometimes expand into the feeling that "nothing will change no matter what I do."

What I have seen in the nursing field
While working as a nurse, I have encountered many situations where patients say, "I'm fine."
People who repeat "I'm fine" and "I'm sorry for the trouble" even though they clearly look like they are suffering. People who feel guilty about pressing the nurse call button. People who endure pain and smile, saying, "I'm still okay."
I feel like I have finally been able to put into words what was behind that "I'm fine"... as I deepened my study of psychology.
It was the fear of "asking for help" itself, the feeling of being sorry, and the harshness toward oneself of "I shouldn't rely on others for something like this."
I have felt many times in clinical settings that creating a "relationship where you can say help me" is just as important as physical care.

What is happening in the hearts of people who cannot say "help me"

Help-seeking... technically, this is what we call the behavior of asking others for help when you are in trouble.
When this help-seeking does not go well, the following processes may be occurring in the heart:
1. Unable to recognize that you are "in trouble"
People who have been accustomed to suppressing their emotions for many years may find it difficult to notice that they are in trouble themselves. As a result of living by putting a lid on the feeling of "pain," the ability to accurately perceive one's own state has weakened.
2. Even if you recognize you are in trouble, you cannot think it is "okay to consult someone"
This is a pattern of discounting your own troubles as not worth consulting about, thinking, "It's an exaggeration to tell people about something like this" or "There are people who are having a harder time."
3. There is no one to consult, or you cannot choose someone
There are cases where there is physically no one around to rely on, but you may also worry about the relationship with the other person, thinking, "If I tell this person, the relationship might change" or "I don't know how much I should tell them."
4. Past experiences act as a brake
If you have had an unpleasant experience after consulting someone before, the fear that "the same thing might happen again" is born. A heart that has been hurt once will naturally close its mouth to avoid the same pain.

Not just "help me," but being unable to rely on people at all

There is a worry that is similar to not being able to say "help me," but slightly different.
That is the feeling that you cannot "rely on people" at all in your daily life.
"Help me" is an SOS word that comes out when you are cornered. But "cannot rely on others" is a stage further back... it extends to everyday situations like small requests, leaving things to someone else, or depending on others.

Trying to do everything by yourself
Whether at work or at home, you think, "It's faster if I do it myself" or "I feel bad explaining it to others," and before you know it, you are carrying everything alone. It is not rare for people to be seen by those around them as "trying too hard," while for the person themselves, it has become "normal."
This is also deeply related to what is called "over-adaptation" in psychology. The pattern of securing one's place by continuing to meet the expectations of those around you erases the option of "relying on others" from your mental dictionary.
Cannot distinguish between "relying on others" and "being dependent/spoiled"
For those who think, "Relying on people is being spoiled," asking someone for something feels like "their own laziness."
But originally, "relying on others" and "being spoiled" are different. Knowing your own limits and appropriately borrowing the strength of others is a very mature adult skill. The reason it looks like "being spoiled" might be because you were not able to experience healthy dependence enough when you were young... in other words, there might be a background where it was not safe to be dependent.
The "debt" after relying on someone is scary
There are also people who feel, "If I rely on someone, I have to pay them back" or "I don't want to have a relationship of lending and borrowing."
If you have a habit of viewing human relationships as "equal transactions," being helped by someone feels like a "debt." Hidden at the root of that may be the anxiety that "the relationship won't continue if I am just myself" or "they won't stay with me unless I offer something."
By not being able to rely on others, the relationship is actually becoming distant
One important thing here.
You tend to think that relying on others is a burden to them, but actually, "relying on others" is also an act of conveying trust.
"I can ask you," "I believe in your strength"... such messages are included in the act of relying on someone. That is precisely why it is not rare for the person being relied upon to feel happy.
Conversely, if you continue to complete everything alone without relying on anyone, those around you may feel that "I cannot get close to this person," and distance may gradually form. It is ironic that being unable to rely on people can sometimes deepen isolation.

Do not blame yourself for not being able to say "help me"

Having read this far, some of you may have felt, "This is about me."
Even if you felt that way, please, I want you not to blame yourself.
The reason you couldn't say "help me" is because you were protecting yourself by doing so. You did your best in your own way so as not to get hurt, so as not to break the relationship... that is alsoproof that your mental defense mechanisms were working properlyThat defense was necessary for you in the past. But for you now, there might be a few other options.

A small step toward "help me"

It is okay if you cannot say "help me" all of a sudden. Why not start with a small step?
"There is something I want you to listen to"
If the hurdle for "help me" is high, start by saying "I want you to listen." Even if you don't seek a solution, just by letting out what is inside you, I think your heart will feel much lighter.
"Actually, I've been a bit tired lately"
You don't have to explain everything. "I'm a bit tired"... if you can say that one phrase, I think that alone is a very big step.
Try practicing with small "requests"
You don't need to ask for big things right away. "Can you take this?" "Can you hold this?"... start with such small daily requests. Small acts of relying on others, and it was okay... I think the accumulation of those experiences will lead to the new learning that "relying on others does not break the relationship."
Try changing the question you ask yourself
If you think, "Wouldn't it be a bother?" try changing your perspective and ask, "If a dear friend were in the same situation, wouldn't I want them to consult me?" Surely, you would want to tell them, "It's not a bother at all."
Know that "relying on others" is an expression of trust in the other person
Not "relying on others = being a bother," but "relying on others = I trust you."
Just by changing the meaning like that, the guilt about relying on others might ease a little. I think that by relying on others, relationships can actually deepen.

Conclusion

Being able to say "help me" and being able to rely on others.
That is not a weakness. Recognizing your own state and trying to connect with someone you can trust is, I believe, a very courageous and healthy strength.
If "help me" is currently stuck in the back of your throat, it is okay if you cannot force yourself to say it out loud.
I want you to speak to yourself—to the "you who cannot say it" and the "you who cannot rely on others"—and tell yourself that you have worked hard and done well until now, and to slowly accept and forgive yourself.

Not everyone will think you are a burden for asking for help.
When you tell someone that you are "in trouble," it may be received not as a burden, but as a sign of trust.

There are surely people who would feel happy to be relied upon by you.
When someone thinks, "This person trusted me enough to talk to me," they naturally want to cherish that person even more. Relying on others does not make a relationship heavy; rather, it often adds warmth to it.

There is surely someone waiting for your "help me."
Someone close to you might have been wondering all along, "Is there anything I can do?" Your "help me" can become a joy for that person, a chance to finally be of service.

It is okay if you cannot say it perfectly or if you cannot convey it well.
Even with a trembling voice, even if it is just one word, and even if it is clumsy, I believe that "help me" will become an irreplaceable bridge between you and the people you care about.

As a licensed psychologist and nurse, I want to stand by the side of your "I'm okay" from both a mental and physical perspective.