My Personal Anger Instruction Manual: A Memo on Stopping the Cycle of Explosion and Suppression

Whenever I got angry, I would always repeat the same mistakes.

I wouldn't listen to the other person's side and would push them with harsh words.

I would regret it immediately after saying it, leading to an awkward atmosphere for hours or days. I would decide to stay calm next time, but it would happen again. I have gone back and forth between these two choices of


“exploding” or “suppressing” many times.

Background: Both exploding and suppressing were painful

My way of dealing with anger was extreme. When I exploded, I would try to force the other person to submit with my sense of righteousness. Even if I won the argument, the relationship would weaken. When I suppressed it, I would build up frustration inside, thinking, “Why don't they understand?” As a result, one day I would suddenly erupt. In both cases, what remained after it was over was regret. Generally, anger is said to be a “sign that something you want to protect is being threatened.” In my case, anger often flared up when my needs to be valued or respected were not met. However, as an exception, there were times when my reaction was amplified many times over due to physical factors like simple sleep deprivation or hunger.

Feelings: Giving a name to the nature of regret

Immediately after getting angry, my mind was like this.

Looking back, the true nature of my regret was “I hurt the relationship I wanted to cherish with my own hands”. After giving this a name, I felt ready to

“prepare my next move.”

Action: Signs → Trigger → Desired Response → Recovery (Consolidated into one sheet)

It is too late to deal with anger after it has already surfaced. So, I created a system to notice it “before” it comes out. The following is the “one-page instruction manual” I actually use. Please save it and rewrite it for yourself. ＜My “Anger Instruction Manual” Template (Text Version)＞ 【Title】Anger Instruction Manual (My Name) ■ Signs (Pre-eruption indicators)

・Shallow breathing / Tension in shoulders / Speaking quickly / “Right vs. Wrong” thinking intensifies in my head ・Inner voice: “Why don't you understand?” ■ Trigger (Activation conditions) ・Broken promises or plans / Negative phrasing / Conversations while looking at a smartphone ■ The watchword for that moment (To bring myself back) ・“What do I want to protect?” (Respect, preparation, peace of mind) ・“Make one choice that I won't regret in 10 minutes” ■ Desired response (Self) 1) Be silent for a moment and exhale slowly three times 2) Summarize the situation using only “observations” (remove evaluations) 3) Confirm “feelings” and “needs” in my heart (e.g., frustrated / want to be respected) 4) Rephrase using an “ask-based” approach (specific and positive) ■ Desired response (Request to the other person) ・“I want you to listen for just 3 minutes without interrupting me” ・“It would help if you could speak in the order of conclusion first, then reasons” ■ Recovery procedure (After I've messed up) 1) Apologize based only on facts (do not attack their character, do not add evaluations) 2) Share what I wanted to protect 3) Decide on the next signal and watchword together 4) 10-minute cool-down (walk / water / stretch) ■ NG List (Things I decide not to do) ・Judgmental words (“always,” “never”) ・Complaining on social media / Retaliating by ignoring messages ・Labeling the other person's character

Point: Organize in the order of Observation → Feeling → Need → Request (NVC). This generally works, but as an exception, there are times when changing the order makes it easier to settle depending on the relationship or situation.

Turning point: The day I noticed the signs, moving to an “ask-based” approach

One day, during a conversation, I was able to notice “myself speaking quickly.” My chest felt hot, and I felt my sense of justice accelerating. So, I remembered the watchword and switched to an

“ask-based” approach. “I am feeling flustered because the plan has been disrupted. Could you listen to me for just 3 minutes without interrupting? After that, I will listen to your opinion.” The conversation changed surprisingly. The other person shifted from defense mode to a “listening posture.” What I learned from this experience is that anger is not something to be erased, but something to be directed.



I felt that if I express what I “want to protect” carefully, the relationship won't break; in fact, trust increases by a millimeter.

Mini-workshop: Create your “Instruction Manual” in 30 minutes

1. Recall the last three times you got angry and extract one common sign (e.g., tension in the brow, retort lines popping into your head).

2. Make the trigger phrasing/situation specific (e.g., “Why can't you even do XX?”).
   

3. Write the desired response (for yourself) as an “action” (e.g., stand up from the chair and drink a glass of water).
   

4. Fix one “ask-based” phrase (e.g., “Please listen to my situation for just one minute first”).
   

5. Follow the recovery steps in order (Apology → Share Intent → Signal for Next Time → Cool Down).

Generally, simply writing things down to visualize them weakens the reaction.

As an exception, if chronic stress or trauma is involved, it may be safer to prioritize professional support. (I recommend consulting a specialist.)

Summary: Anger is a sign of something you want to protect. If you know how to handle it, it becomes an ally.

It is not about eliminating anger, but knowing how to handle it.

A step for me was naming the signs and rephrasing things as requests.

It is okay not to be perfect.

If you feel that your relationships are becoming even a millimeter easier, that is enough progress.

If there is someone out there struggling with the same thing right now—you will be okay.