A story about how I stopped ignoring my vague feelings of discomfort

I used to think that I shouldn't turn down invitations unless I had a proper reason.

So, even when being with someone made me feel

a bit tired,
a bit uneasy,
or just gave me a bad feeling,

I would think

“Maybe it’s just my imagination,”
“Maybe I’m just overthinking it,”

and I would dismiss my own instincts.

But recently, I’ve started to think that a “vague feeling of discomfort” might actually be a sign meant to protect me.

I used to think that being able to endure things was what made you an adult

I have always been the type of person who often goes along with others.

Even if I really didn't want to,

• I didn't want to ruin the mood, • I didn't want to be disliked, • I didn't want to be seen as selfish

were the feelings that always came first.

So, even if I felt a little bit uncomfortable with someone, I would look for reasons to force myself to accept it.

They aren't a bad person.

They are being kind to me.

If that's the case, then I should just put up with it.

I had been thinking that way for a long time.

But “not being a bad person” and “being someone I can feel at ease with” are different things

When you become an adult, you start to think that you need a valid reason to say “I don't want to.”

But in reality, that is separate from whether or not someone is a good match for you.

In the past, I have often ignored my own sense of discomfort to accommodate others, only to end up exhausted.

At first, it's just a small sense of discomfort.

Feeling tired while talking to someone.

Feeling rushed.

But I would continue the relationship, thinking, 'They aren't a bad person'.

Then, later on, I would find myself feeling increasingly distressed.

That is why, recently, I have started to value those initial small feelings of discomfort more than I used to.

I think children are honest about their own feelings.

Watching my daughter, her 'I don't like this, so I don't like this' is truly clear.

If she's tired, she won't move, and if she isn't convinced, she won't change her mind.

Sometimes that can be difficult for adults to deal with.

But it is wonderful that she doesn't ignore how she is feeling in the moment.

As I grew into an adult, I learned to:

・Read the room
・Go along with those around me
・Try my best even if I don't really want to

I learned to do these things.

Of course, there are situations where that is necessary.

But at the same time, I also developed a habit of neglecting my own feelings.

Maybe there is a reason for that vague sense of discomfort.

Recently, I have come to want to value even those 'inexplicable feelings of discomfort'.

Of course, that doesn't mean they are always right.

However, I feel that if I keep ignoring my own senses, my heart will gradually wear down.

So lately,

“I don't quite click with this person,”
“I feel a bit tired for some reason,”

I have started wanting to acknowledge even those small feelings more properly than before.

It's okay if I can't explain it well.

It's okay if I can't put the reason into words.

I will be the only one who does not deny my own feelings.

I feel that just doing that makes life a little easier.

Thank you for reading this far.
May your day be a wonderful one.