Creating a Place to Belong: What Kind of Sense of Security Do Children Seek?
The cries of children who have nowhere to belong
"Being at home is the hardest thing."
"There's no point in going to school."
In my work with children struggling with school non-attendance, social withdrawal, and delinquency, I have heard these words many times.
What these children have in common is that they lack a "place where they can rest their hearts." They do not feel accepted or safe at home or at school. As a result, they close themselves off or resort to problematic behavior.
A place to belong is a "safe environment"
A place to belong is not just a physical space.
Even if you have expensive furniture or a large house, if a child does not feel "comfort" or "security" there, it cannot be called a place to belong.
The essence of a place to belong lies in an environment where a child feels that they can be themselves and still be accepted.
Three conditions for a place to belong that children seek
1. Being able to spend time with peace of mind
In an environment where they are constantly on guard, thinking "I might get scolded" or "I might get blamed," their hearts cannot rest.
2. Having their existence acknowledged
Parents showing through their attitude that "It's okay for you to be here" and "I need you."
3. Feeling a connection of the heart
If a relationship of trust is built with parents and those around them, children can feel that "it is okay to be here."
The "parental love" taught by a lunchbox
In my 40 years of experience, I have an episode that shows how much "creating a place to belong" impacts children.
It was back when I was inviting delinquent children to live in a communal setting. I made sure to have them take a lunchbox made by their mother to school. For children raised in troubled homes, a lunchbox made by their mother meant more than just a meal.
One child said this:
"The moment I opened the lunchbox, I thought of my mom. I realized she made this for me early in the morning."
He, who usually rebelled against his mother by calling her "annoying," realized her love through this lunchbox. And that became the trigger for him to gradually reduce his problematic behavior.
This episode shows how much "having parental love conveyed in a visible form" impacts a child's heart."Having parental love conveyed in a visible form"shows how much it impacts a child's heart.
The reason children dislike "home"
However, in reality, there are many homes where children feel"I don't want to be at home."The cause of this is often that the home is not a "place for the child to belong," but rather a "place where parents impose their own convenience and values."
Three NG behaviors that destroy a place to belong
1. Using words that deny the child
"Why can't you even do that?"
"I'm doing this for your own good!"
Negative words strip away a child's self-esteem and make the home an "uncomfortable place."
2. Not listening to the child
If you ignore what the child is thinking or what they are seeking, the child will feel "you don't understand anyway" and close their heart.
3. Excessive interference or control
If you interfere too much with their studies or daily life in general, the child will feel "you don't trust me."
Parental actions to create a place to belong
So, what should parents do so that children feel "home" is a place to belong?
The following actions are effective.
1. Listen to the child "without interrupting"
No matter what the child says, first listen to the end. It is important not to interrupt by saying "that's wrong" or to force advice on them. This is the first step in creating an environment where children can talk with peace of mind.
2. Increase small expressions of love
Say "good morning" every morning.
・Talk with a smile.
・Make food the child likes.
By accumulating these small actions, children will feel "I am loved."
3. Tell them you believe in them
By repeatedly saying "I'm sure you can do it" or "I believe in you," children regain the power to believe in themselves.
By parents changing, a child's place to belong is born
A "place to belong" is not a physical space, but something that is born only when parents open their hearts, believe in their children, and accept them.
Having supported over 10,000 children in 40 years, I can assert that if parents change, children will begin to feel they have a place to belong and will start to open their hearts.