She despised people more than anyone, and was kinder than anyone
Let me tell you a story about a woman I know.
She was struggling with a certain problem.
“I end up despising everyone.”
That is what it was.
If she walked through a train station, she would instantly judge everyone she passed—
“They’re short,” “They’re thinning on top,” “Their fashion sense is terrible,”
“They can’t do their makeup,” “They seem like bad people”—
and look down on them with contempt.
She would even harbor one-sided, harsh feelings of contempt
for authors of books she had never even met.
“I have a world-class ability.
It is the power to
instantlydespiseanyone.”
I remember her telling me that
with a bitter smile one day.
She was troubled by why
she despised people so much.
Even though she understood perfectly well
that she was not such a grand person herself,
she despised everyone as naturally as breathing.
Even though she knew her evaluations of others
lacked any objective validity,
she would still arbitrarily
look down on everyonebased on her own one-sided subjectivity.
She hated herself for it, yet
she could not stop the contempt.
Above all,
“I am so full of humility for reflecting and suffering like this in my heart.
How humble I am.
I am different from the people around me; they are wretches who cannot do this and deserve to be despised.”
She was even
despairingover the fact that such thoughtswould arise on their own.
Even though despising others is shameful,
she would end up feeling proud even of that self-reflection.
And then, she would use even that as fuel for her contempt toward others.
“See, I am different from the arrogant people around me
because I can properly reflect on my own base nature.”
She
could not stop these thoughts.
She worked for a charitable organization.
She kindly cared for the needy,
and was apparently
adored by many like a compassionate mother.
When she saw people in trouble,
she wanted to help them from the bottom of her heart.
But she was a person who despised even those people.
Her public face was “a kind person full of compassion.”
Her inner self was“a person who despises everyone equally.”
Why does such a dilemma arise...
she lamented.
As I listened to her confession,
I suggested, “I see... would you like some tea?”
For a while, we
sipped our tea in silence.
"Is it sad... to despise everyone?"
"Yes..."
"You despise me even now, don't you?"
"..."
"Even though you hate yourself for it so much,
you also think that you are noble for being able to face my ugliness,
and that others who have no such worries are worthy of contempt."
"..."
Silence.
For a while, we both sipped our tea again.
"I don't want to despise them, but I can't help it."
"..."
"And then I take pride in the self that admonishes me for that, turning it into more material for contempt."
"Yes..."
"But there is also a part of me that feels compassion."
"..."
"You are being torn apart by such a heart, aren't you?"
I looked at the blue sky,
she looked at her fingertips.
"That is fine."
I said quietly.
"The awakening of the heart
is something that wells up from the depths of the heart, beyond one's own reach.
There is nothing you can do about it.
You can only watch it.
In every age, for every person,
while they believe their heart is their own,
in truth,"thoughts"are things that well up from
a mysterious spring beyond one's knowledge.
People can onlywatchthem.
"The heart is mine"—including myself who believes that,
I can only watch, and it has always been this way.
It is just that we are
unaware of it.
The heart that despises...
The heart that feels compassion...
They are yours,
and at the same time, they are not.
You have no choice but to let them well up as they will.
I am
merely“thoughts”what are considered
just watching them.
If you stop
clingingto thoughtsin that way,
you will be able to accept any thought that arises in your heart and
find
peace in the world.
And, no matter what thoughts a person may hold,
they can accomplish
noble workthat aligns with the laws of the universe.
Even if you harbor crude thoughts, you can do wonderful work, and
even if you hold noble thoughts, there are people who do terrible things.
Thoughts are
both yours
and a mystery of the universe.
They are very precious things, but
they are not things to cling to.
Attachment creates suffering.
You may feel anxious at times.
But even that is
yours and
at the same time, belongs to the universe.
If you return to the
“True Self”that gently watches over the heart...
No matter what thoughts you may hold,
you will be able to
find rest in the cradle of the universe.”
I do not know if she
was convinced by what I said.
However, the way she looked at the blue sky that seemed to swallow everything up as she left,
with a smile that looked somehow relieved,
is something that
still remains quietly in my memory.