Why Trying to Change a Bad Boyfriend Only Pulls You Deeper into the Quagmire | How to Stop 'Fixing Him' and Decide Whether to Stay or Leave

There are things about him that I really want him to fix.
His sloppiness, his harsh words, the way he doesn't keep his promises.
Even so, I believe that I can change him, that it will be okay if I'm here, and I'm doing my best.

You are currently in a relationship like that, looking forward, trying to change him, aren't you?

It's not bad enough to break up. But I don't think it's okay to stay like this either.

'He should change someday'—aren't you holding onto that hope and continuing to try for months, or even years?

Here, I will tell you a slightly harsh truth.

As long as you continue to think 'I will change him,' you will keep waiting for 'the him who will change someday,' and you will be the one leading yourself deeper into a quagmire you cannot escape.

And the highest price you pay is not that he doesn't change, but that your time just keeps passing while you wait for him to change.

But please rest assured. The reason you cannot escape is not because your love is too heavy or because you are persistent.
It is simply that your 'kindness' and your 'assumption that you can change him' have become mixed together in your heart.

Why does that feeling of 'I will change him' wear the mask of kindness and drag you into the quagmire?

In this article, I will share the true nature of the feeling of 'I will change him' and the perspective needed to decide whether you can stay with him as he is now.I will tell you.

💡 What you will gain from this note

First, let's look at why that feeling of 'I will change him' becomes the entrance to a quagmire you cannot escape.

That 'I will change him' is the entrance to a quagmire disguised as kindness

The words of this man, known as the world's greatest investor, apply perfectly to a heart trapped in an inescapable love.

When you realize the situation is bad, the first thing you should do is not to try harder or keep digging, but to stop for a moment.
But when you are inside the 'I will change him' mindset, we do the opposite and try to dig even deeper.

First, there is something I want to make clear.
The feeling of 'I want to change him' itself is not a bad thing.

That is proof that you care about him and sincerely wish to make your relationship better.
You wouldn't feel that way about someone who is cold to begin with. So, please don't blame yourself for that kindness first.

However, there is a hidden pitfall in that kindness.

When you think, 'I will change him,' the person you have fallen in love with is not the 'current him'.
I want you to realize this.

To put it simply, it is somewhat similar to buying a used house with the intention of renovating it.

'If I fix this here, it will be my ideal home.' Yes, you fall in love with the mental blueprint of the finished product and decide to buy it.
But after signing the contract, what you actually live in is not the blueprint, but the 'current house that hasn't been fixed yet'.

The same thing happens in love. What you have in your heart is 'a him who has stopped being sloppy, has become kind in his words, and keeps his promises'.

In other words, he is the 'blueprint version of him' that doesn't exist anywhere yet.

Because you are in love with that ideal version of him, no matter how much the person in front of you troubles you,'The real him shouldn't be like this,' 'He will change someday,'you can think.
You are able to endure the current pain.

This is the entrance to the swamp.

As long as you have the expectation that 'he will change someday,' you cannot end the relationship, no matter how painful it is right now.
After all, the blueprint version of him might appear soon.

Moreover, he sometimes gives you moments where he looks like he has changed just a little bit. He was uncharacteristically kind. He kept his promise today.
That small change becomes the hope that 'See, he really does change if I try hard enough.'

The tricky part is that he isn't always cold.

Because of the kindness he gives you occasionally, you are tethered to this relationship, thinking, 'He might change if I wait a little longer.'
But after a while, he goes back to how he was. You hope, you get betrayed, and you hope again.

Before you know it, you are unable to escape this loop on your own.

And as the time you've spent trying hard piles up, the feeling that 'I've done this much, so if I quit now, it will all be for nothing' grabs your feet and won't let go.

It is just like the quote from Buffett earlier.
Even if you realize you are in a hole, you cannot stop digging. In fact, you dig even deeper, thinking, 'If I dig a little more, I can get out.'

This is the true nature of the inescapable swamp created by 'I will change him'.

So, why won't he change even though you try so hard? In the next chapter, I will tell you the most difficult, yet most important, fact to accept.

People cannot be changed by the power of others

The words of this psychologist, who spent many years observing the human heart, quietly hit upon the reason why trying to 'fix' someone doesn't work.

The catalyst for a person to change is not being pushed from the outside to 'change.'

It happens when they accept themselves by saying, 'I am fine as I am,' and then decide to move forward on their own. The switch for change is always located within the person themselves.

Here, I will share the most difficult fact to accept: people cannot be changed by the power of others.

No matter how much you devote yourself, how many correct things you say, or how many tears you shed, the core of who he is cannot be changed by your power.
He can only change when he himself truly wants to change.

In fact, when your feelings of 'I want you to change' reach him, they transform into something else.

'Get your act together,' 'Why won't you fix this?'
To his ears, those words are received as a rejection, implying 'You are not good enough as you are.'

When people feel rejected, they become creatures who go on the defensive rather than trying to change. That is why, even if he says 'I understand' in the moment, he is actually resisting in his heart and will return to his old ways after a while.

The more you try to change him, the more stubborn he becomes.
This reversal is happening everywhere.

Try to remember your own experiences for a moment. Have you ever felt motivated to go on a diet or study just because someone told you to 'do it'?
Usually, it is the opposite; the more people tell you to do something, the less you want to do it. People can only take action when they truly want to change themselves. He is exactly the same.

Now, I am going to say something a bit harsh.

Deep down in the feeling of 'I will change him,' there is sometimes a hidden assumption that 'I have the power to remake a person.'

This is not to say that you are arrogant. When kindness goes too far, anyone can easily fall into this trap.

However, one person cannot truly remake the way another person lives or the core of their personality.
It is scary to admit this, but unless you acknowledge it, you will never be able to escape the quagmire.

However, please do not misunderstand. I do not mean to say that 'everything you do is in vain.' There are things you can change.

It is not him himself, but rather 'how the two of you interact' and 'the flow of the relationship.'

If your way of communicating or how you maintain distance changes, his reaction will change.

What cannot be changed is his 'fundamental nature.'

The core of his innate personality, and the values and habits solidified throughout his life so far.
The reason 'I will change him' ends up being counterproductive is because you are trying to change this fundamental part that cannot be changed.

His true nature cannot be changed. If that is the case, what should you use as a yardstick to decide whether to stay or leave?

The next chapter is the most important point of this article.
I will share the one single question to ask yourself after you let go of 'trying to fix him'.

The answer is found by asking, 'Can I live with him just as he is now?'

The words of this poet, who has supported the hearts of many, provide a straight path for you when you are lost in making decisions about love.

He is showing you his true self right now. Yet, we overwrite the image he shows us with an idealized version of him, thinking, 'He must really be a better person than this'.

The first thing you should believe is not a fantasy of the future, but the him who is right in front of you now.

This is where the most important point of this article begins. If his true nature cannot be changed, the question you should ask yourself changes to just one thing.

It is not 'Will he change someday?''Can I continue to live with him as he is now?'is the question.

I will say it again and again. The him who is in front of you right now is the him of the future. Even if you get married or years pass, his true nature will basically not change.
In fact, as responsibilities and stress in life increase, the small flaws you see now are more likely to become even more pronounced.

Therefore, please let go of the mindset that 'I can be happy with him once he changes.'
The person you are with is, and will always be, 'the him of now'.

There is something I don't want you to misunderstand here. 'Accepting him as he is' does not mean 'swallowing all of his unpleasant traits and enduring them'.

Endurance is forcing yourself to put a lid on things while wearing down your own heart. Beyond that, there is only a future where you eventually reach your limit and explode, or you wear yourself down until you disappear.

Accepting means that you can truly feel, 'Even with that part of him, I want to live with this person.' There is a world of difference between staying by someone's side while enduring, and choosing to be by their side while fully understanding who they are.

Therefore, either answer is fine. If you feel you want to live with him as he is, then you should proudly stay with him.
If you feel it is absolutely impossible, then your honest answer that you cannot accept it is also completely correct.

A hint for distinguishing between the two is whether the 'part you want him to fix' is something that can be softened by changing how you interact, or if it is his true nature itself.

If it can be softened by how you interact, then you should nurture it together without blaming him.
But if you can only stay with him on the condition that he 'is reborn as a different person'.

It may be that the person you truly want to be with is not the current him, but the him in your idealized blueprint after all.

Having said that, many people reading this far must be feeling this way.
'I understand it in my head. But when it comes to my own situation, I don't know if this is a part that can change with how I interact, or if it is his true nature'.

That is only natural. Your feelings of love, your hope that he might change someday, and the time you have spent working so hard—all of it is real.
The more these things are intertwined, the harder it becomes to see what is reality and what is an illusion on your own.

That is precisely why you need a 'yardstick' to set your emotions aside for a moment and find an answer based solely on facts.

By looking at his true nature calmly, without being swept away by your emotions, you can decide for yourself whether to continue, break up, or get married.
I have compiled all the yardsticks and procedures for this in my note 'Love Judgment'.

✅ A perspective to see through whether you can spend your life with him as he is now, by setting aside the expectation that 'he will change someday'
✅ A yardstick to calmly distinguish between flaws that can be softened by how you interact and his true nature itself
✅ A method to clarify your own personal boundaries—the things you feel you 'cannot compromise on'
✅ A procedure to reach your own answer about staying, leaving, or marrying, not through fortune-telling or friends, but by your own hand
✅ The basis for your judgment, so you can say with certainty that you will not waver or look back, no matter which answer you choose

There is one thing I want you not to misunderstand. This is by no means a tool to push you to 'break up'.

If, after looking at things calmly, you feel that you 'still want to live' with him as he is now, you can confidently continue, based on reality rather than expectation.

Whether the answer is 'stay,' 'break up,' or 'marry,' being able to choose it with your own hands is what matters most.

The words of this author, who spent her life depicting the subtleties of human nature, will gently support you after you have spent so long waiting for an illusory version of him.

It does not matter how long you have spent waiting for 'the him who was supposed to change.' It is never too late to start looking at reality from this moment on and re-choosing your own true answer.

Finally, to you who have read this far.

The reason you worked so hard to change him was not because you lacked love or because you were greedy.

Rather, it was because you had more kindness than anyone else for him. It is just that the target of that kindness was not the him of today, but the illusory him who was supposed to change someday.

There is only one thing you can do starting today. Think of him and try asking yourself this question:

'If this person were to remain exactly as he is now forever, would I still want to live with him?'

That small question will be your first step toward moving from a love where you wait for an unchanging him, to a love where you look at the real him and find your own answer.

I sincerely hope that you will be able to choose your future with your own hands, looking at the reality of the person in front of you, rather than continuing a love where you wait for an illusory him.