Pride in Results as the Driving Force for Effort

I am basically a lazy person.
I want to sleep in on my days off, and sometimes I don't even step a foot outside my house.
There is nothing quite like a day spent lounging around without any purpose.

However, on the other hand, there are times when I go out of my way to open technical books to study or do some programming on my days off.
Also, while I am developing or researching for work, I sometimes find that it has become late at night before I know it.

To be honest, for the last six months or so, I have hardly studied on my days off.
There were too many urgent tasks, and I spent my days just dealing with projects that had deadlines right in front of me.
My life was just getting through work on weekdays and resting slowly on weekends.

However, recently I have started reading and studying on my days off again.
I have also started reading business books during my commute.

Why am I going out of my way to put in effort now that I have passed the peak of my busyness?
Looking back, my motivation seems to come from a pride in producing results.

An obsession with producing final results

I really hate failing.
In particular, I cannot stand being told by those around me that things "didn't go well."
I have been a sore loser since I was a child, and perhaps because I was bullied or made fun of despite that, I am sensitive to how others see me.

However, in my daily work, I have become able to say things like "I don't understand, so please teach me" or "I can't move forward on my own, so please help me" to those around me.
Or rather, I used to be bad at even asking people, but I managed to overcome it.

The reason is simple: because if I ask people, the work moves forward.
It is more painful to reach a progress meeting without having asked anyone and have to say, "I haven't done anything at all."
In that case, even if people think, "This guy doesn't know anything," it is better to ask honestly.

In other words, my pride in producing final results is high.

The reason I work late at night or improve my skills on my days off is the same.
In short, I want to produce results in my current assigned tasks.

Thanks to that (or is it because of it?), I have managed to become at least as capable as the average person even in tasks I have no experience with.

It looks exhausting to keep moving out of "stubbornness"

However, there are negative aspects to working hard on various things out of this kind of "stubbornness."
That is that it "looks exhausting."

Since it comes from the feeling that I must produce results, it does not look like I am enjoying my work or studies.
It seems that to those around me, it even looks like I am being "forced" to work late into the night.

A friend once said that I "look like I have a hard time living."
I think that is a very apt description.

To be honest, I have never thought that "every day is fun."
Rather, I think that if you live only seeking fun, you will get bored because there is no sense of purpose.

I will probably continue to work while looking like I am having a hard time every day like that.
But I must consider the impact on the members around me who are watching that.
I want to live with just a little more ease.