Diary_October 1, 2024 (Tue)_The True Nature of My Unease

7:09, at home. I've just returned from my walk and brewed some coffee. It's the same Mandheling as yesterday, and the amount brewed should be the same, too. Yet, it's slightly more bitter than yesterday. The moment I took a sip, there was a strong, roasted sensation, as if it had been grilled over charcoal.

I go for a walk for about 20 minutes every weekday morning. However, I'd like to add about 10 more minutes if possible.
I feel somewhat unsatisfied, thinking, 'If I walked a little longer, I might be able to feel a sense of exhilaration like a runner's high.' So, I want to walk for an extra 10 minutes and come home feeling refreshed.

The true nature of the unease I'm currently feeling in my chest.
It's about my daily work. When I get down to it, I think it's about nothing other than myself right now.

Lately, I've had the feeling that I'm not growing much, that I'm not taking on challenges. Looking at it another way, perhaps it means I lack initiative.

Doing what's in front of me correctly, in accordance with the rules set by the company. I don't think there's anything wrong with that in itself. But at the same time, what I feel is that it's a bit boring. I have time on my hands.

Even though the work could be finished in three hours in the morning,

'That person is free'
'They look like they have free time'
'They don't seem to have anything to do, so I'll ask them to do other work'

I hate being seen that way by those around me, so I find myself dragging out my work more than necessary.

I'm the one creating the cause, and I'm the one who isn't facing the root cause, choosing to look the other way. Since I'm tormenting myself (and over something unnecessary, at that!), it's only natural that my heart feels uneasy and troubled.

The time when I can forget about the clock and become completely absorbed is, after all, when I'm writing. To be happy, I want to increase the amount of time I can spend immersed like that in my daily life.