[Essay] A story about how I learned to accept myself for suppressing my feelings.

I often think too much about others and end up putting my own feelings on the back burner.
Have you ever blamed yourself for being like that?

I was the same way for a long time, and I grew to hate myself, wondering why I had such a personality.

Looking back on my life so far, I realized that an event from my childhood might have been the major catalyst for this.

Today, I would like to look back on my past and share a story about how I was able to accept myself for being someone who thinks too much about others and suppresses my own feelings.

If you are interested, please feel free to read on :)

Yesterday, for the first time in several months, I went to visit my mother's grave.
It was too hot to go during the summer, so I am happy that I was finally able to come see her.

It has already been 22 years since my mother passed away.
It is a strange feeling—it feels like it went by so fast, yet also like it was a long time.

My mother passed away from an illness when I was in the first grade of elementary school.
I was in class when I was called to the principal's office over the school intercom.

At the time, my older brother was at the same elementary school, so we both headed to the principal's office.

Honestly, I do not remember much about that time, but I do vaguely remember that the adults around us seemed flustered.

When we arrived at the hospital, my mother was lying there sleeping quietly.
While my father, sister, and two brothers were crying silently, I was the only one who could not grasp the situation. I just felt in my young heart that I should be quiet, so I just stood there in silence.

From that point on, it felt as if a hole had opened up inside me.

I did not really understand it, but my mother was gone. I want to see her. I cannot see her.
I am lonely. It is painful. I want to tell someone. I want to say it.


But my family seemed to be in more pain than I was.
They had spent more time with her than I had, so that was only natural.

I began to suppress my own feelings.

Thinking about it now, I believe that the events of that time had a great deal to do with shaping my personality.

Since my mother passed away, I have become abnormally concerned about how those around me react.
To everyone—family, relatives, friends, and teachers alike.

Perhaps I was unconsciously terrified that someone important might leave me again.

For someone as young, clumsy, and unremarkable as me to survive, I couldn't afford to be abandoned by the people around me. I feel like that's why I developed the habit of living while worrying about how others react.

Until very recently, I hated myself for having this personality, and I almost came to hate my mother for being the cause of it. I couldn't accept it.

However, a single word from my father the other day allowed me to affirm who I have been until now.

"Back then, honestly, it was so painful that there were many times I thought about driving off a cliff. But because you were there, I was able to think that I should somehow keep on living."

At the time, my older sister was working day and night to chase her dreams and was almost never home.
My older brother was almost never home due to club activities, and my younger brother started locking himself in his room as soon as he got home from school.

I was the only one who spent a long time with my father.

Of course, that was partly because I was the youngest and required the most care, but it wasn't just that; I felt that I shouldn't leave my father alone.

I couldn't express my own painful feelings, but I still wanted to show my father a version of myself that was bright and happy. I hoped that would become his source of hope.

After 22 years, I realized that what I did had meaning.

This 'feeling of being close to others' of mine kept a human being alive. I was able to give him hope.
When I think about it that way, I feel like this talent might be something incredibly wonderful.

Even now, I sometimes struggle with this talent (though it's embarrassing to say it myself). It's not rare for me to think, 'If only I could assert my own opinions more...'

But I am sure that the 'ability to be considerate of others, not just yourself' will be useful to someone. It definitely will.

So, if there is anyone else struggling in the same way, I really want you to remember the good parts of that ability.

Being able to empathize with others can sometimes become a source of hope for living.

I might not have fully utilized this talent myself yet, but at least I no longer think of it as a 'flaw that must be overcome.'

Please, I hope you will cherish your 'ability to empathize with others.'

Thank you for reading until the end ^^
I said I would write a cheerful note, but... sorry for it being dark again, haha.

I was surprised and happy that the previous note I posted got more likes and views than I imagined!
Thank you as always 🥹💐

Let's meet again in the next note~~~!
See you then!