[Book Review] The Art of Loving: Erich Fromm's 'Art of Freedom'
Love is not a coincidence, but an art to be learned
"I love you," "I want to be loved."
We use the word "love" casually in daily conversation and on social media. However, we rarely take the time to think carefully about what it actually means.
Is love an emotion? Or is it something special that only two people who meet by fate can experience?
Erich Fromm's classic book, "The Art of Loving" (1956), challenges such common notions. Fromm asserts that "love is an art." In other words, it is not an event that happens by chance, nor is it an emotion to which one simply surrenders; it is an "art of living" that can be deepened through practice and understanding.
This point is precisely why the book feels fresh even when read today. We tend to understand love as something to "obtain" or "consume," but Fromm steps back from that and calls on us to learn love itself as a "power of living."
The Essence of Love: Giving and Understanding
So, what does Fromm mean by "to love"?
He first distinguishes between "being loved" and "loving." Many people wish to be loved by someone, but Fromm argues that the core lies in actively "loving" from within oneself, transcending that desire.
Love is not something you get from another, but something you give yourself. Giving is not mere self-sacrifice, but, as Fromm says, "the act of pouring out the richness within oneself."
At this point, love is defined as a combination of four elements.
Care: Having concern for the growth and happiness of the other.
Responsibility: Taking on the attitude of responding to that person's life.
Respect: Respecting the other as an equal subject to oneself.
Knowledge: Striving to see through to the heart beneath superficial behavior.
Fromm states that love is the activity of integrating these four elements. Love is not merely the intensity of the feeling of "liking" someone, but is rooted in concretely "knowing, respecting, responding to, and caring for" the other in daily life.
The Diverse Forms of Love
Fromm also explains that there are various forms of love.
Brotherly Love (Neighborly Love): A sense of solidarity with all of humanity. Going beyond interests to support others as "people."
Motherly Love: Unconditional giving. While love for a child is the representative example, it can be understood broadly as "selfless support."
Erotic Love: The desire to unite with another both physically and mentally. However, there is a danger of falling into possessiveness or dependency.
Self-love: A healthy love for oneself. To love others, one must first possess the capacity to love oneself. This is distinct from selfishness.
Love of God: An orientation toward a being beyond humanity, or toward ideals and values.
Fromm views these not as mutually exclusive, but rather as things that become intertwined as a person grows.
It should be noted here that the descriptions regarding romantic love contain some outdated gendered expressions. However, these were symbolic phrasings of the time, and when re-read from a modern perspective, they can be understood as symbolizing the 'union with a different being'.
The Freedom Brought by True Love
At the core of this book is Fromm's philosophy that 'love is a power for freedom'.
Many people tend to think that 'if I love, my loneliness will be healed.' While love certainly alleviates loneliness, Fromm's perspective goes beyond that.
What he speaks of is as follows:
True love is not just for one's own fulfillment or the overcoming of loneliness.
It is precisely within the connection with others that one gains the power to live freely.
This is likely the most important message for bringing this book into the modern day.
If love is merely a relationship of dependence or subordination, it is unfree. However, when two independent beings connect, a new kind of 'freedom' is born.
Love is not about filling one's own deficiencies, but an endeavor where oneself and another create a new relationship while each maintains their own freedom. Fromm found the possibilities of human life in this.
Love as a Practice in the Modern Age
Fromm explains that three elements are necessary to practice love.
Patience: Not seeking immediate results, but nurturing a relationship over a long period of time.
Discipline: A daily habit to ensure love does not become lazy.
Concentration: An attitude of engaging seriously with others.
This is an attitude that positions love not as a temporary emotion, but as a 'lifelong learning'.
Today, with the spread of social media and matching apps, we have become able to obtain 'connections' instantaneously. However, it is clear that this does not immediately equate to 'love'. Rather, in a consumer society, we are prone to being caught in a cycle of 'choosing and discarding' relationships.
It is precisely in such times that Fromm's words resonate. Love is not a fleeting emotion, but the accumulation of daily practice. Facing others with patience, discipline, and concentration—that is where the art of love resides.
Conclusion: To Love is an Art of Living
Erich Fromm's 'The Art of Loving' was written over half a century ago, yet it continues to attract many people today. The reason is clear: he portrayed love not as a 'coincidental emotion,' but as an 'art for human living.'
Love is not merely something to satisfy oneself. It is not just something to alleviate loneliness.
Love is the power to live freely while connecting with others.
From this perspective, we can find a place to practice cultivating love within our small, everyday relationships. Interactions with family and friends, collaboration with colleagues, or even small encounters in the city—all of these offer opportunities to hone the art of love.
Fromm's message resonates not as a mere 'guide to romance,' but as a response to the question of 'how to live.'
On a sleepless night, try picking up this book. New questions about love and freedom will surely sprout within you.