[36-Year-Old Matchmaking] The 'Loved' Type or the 'Loving' Type? The 'Devoted' Type or the 'Cared-For' Type?
When I started matchmaking in earnest at 36, there was something that troubled me.
That was...
In love, are you the 'loved' type or the 'loving' type? Which one should you prioritize?
That is the question.
In society, we often see articles about dating techniques like 'how to be a woman who is loved' or 'how to tell if someone is interested in you.'
In reality, is it really happier to be in the position of the one being loved?
The 'loved' type or the 'loving' type?
The 'loving' type, who wants to chase after their partner and love them with all their might.
Conversely, the 'loved' type, who wants to be cherished single-mindedly by their partner.
In the TV show 'How I Met Your Mother,' which was popular in the US a while back, there was a famous scene where the main couple debated who was the reacher and who was the settler.
The Reacher: Someone who reaches beyond their looks and dates above their own looks (Since 'reach' implies stretching, it feels like someone working hard at a relationship that is a bit out of their league).
The Settler: Someone who settles for someone less good-looking than themselves (It feels like someone who knows they are more attractive than their partner but is settling for them anyway).
Looking at various people's social media, it seems that in society, many believe that for women, the The Settler (the type who is chased rather than chasing, the type who is loved rather than loving) position leads to more happiness.
But, is this really true?
In reality, isn't this just talk about short-term relationships?
At the very least, neither applies to matchmaking.
This is my own conclusion.
Past relationship failures. The great love of my 20s
In my 20s, there was a guy I loved so much I couldn't help it.
We lived together for 7 years, and for me, it was my first 'great love' in life.
However, in the end, it ended with him breaking up with me.
Because I was young, right after we broke up, I couldn't possibly think 'thank you for the time we spent together,' and I was incredibly depressed.I remember that for about two years, I couldn't be positive about love. Back then, I was completely in a
'chasing relationship'.I only thought about how to make him love me more, and I left behind my true self and genuine consideration.
The vague anxiety that 'maybe he doesn't actually love me that much...' grew larger and larger within me, leading me to check his schedule and social life more than necessary, or suspecting him of cheating if he came home late—I was in a state typical of someone on the verge of being mentally unstable.
Looking back now, I regret that my one-way communication, which ignored his feelings and situation and only projected my own emotions, ultimately caused him pain and created a rift.
Because this great heartbreak was such a huge blow, I didn't face it properly at the time and ended up heading in the wrong direction in love.
Failures piled on top of past failures. Switching from a great love
After breaking up with the guy I lived with for 7 years, I spent about 2 years single.
To be precise, maybe I just didn't have the courage or energy to move on to the next relationship.
When my heart finally recovered little by little and I thought, 'Maybe I'll try dating again,' the first thing that came to mind was—
'I never want to go through that pain again'—a strong feeling.
I still vividly remember the pain of that day when we had to move out separately.
So, for my next relationship, I decided,
'I'll make it a relationship where the partner's 'love' is clearly greater than my own.'
With the simple-minded thought that
'then I won't get hurt that much.' That was when I met the ex-boyfriend who became the reason I started matchmaking.
The ex-boyfriend I spent my late 20s and 30s with was someone who truly cherished me.
If I said I was moving abroad, he would follow without a complaint,
he gave me bouquets and surprises on anniversaries,
he cooked for me every day without being asked,
and he took his own career seriously.
He didn't look at other women,
and he was a man who poured plenty of love and compliments on me every day.
So, until the 3rd or 4th year of our relationship, I was truly happy.
I thought from the bottom of my heart, 'I can't believe someone who cherishes me this much is by my side...'
However, as the years went by, I began to feel that his love and presence were
heavy, exhausting, and annoying
.
It's really selfish, isn't it?
But thinking about it calmly, the initial setting—
'Next time, I'll have a relationship where the partner's love is greater'
—this itself was a mistake.
If you date and live together for 6 years, in a sense, love grows.
That is familial love or attachment.
But what about 'love' or 'passion' in a romantic sense?
To be honest,
'I like him quite a bit. But I like his feelings of loving and cherishing me even more'
was the starting point of this relationship.
To avoid misunderstanding, as a relationship, I was truly blessed.
He was sincere, kind, cherished me, and there were no external factors to worry about.
Even so, as we spent a long time together—
I realized I might have stopped feeling attracted to him as a man.
That's probably why it didn't click when he said he wanted to marry me back then.
What I learned from past relationships
Having experienced two completely different types of relationships in the past, there is one thing I have understood for myself.
That is—
The question 'Should I prioritize the loved type or the loving type?' is worth considering if you want to 'enjoy dating,' but it has little to do with matchmaking.
That is what I learned.
Love is centered on 'emotions,' but marriage is 'becoming a family.'
In other words, it's a collaborative effort where the two of you build a team and accumulate life scores together while heading in the same direction.
Therefore,
rather than from the perspective of
'who does more for the other'
or
'who likes the other more,'
it is important that the balance of overall well-being is consistent for both.When I thought about where that balance comes from,
1. Can I want to make this person happy (in any situation)? 2. Can I want to work hard together from now on to be happy together?
I realized that this is what's important first.
And next, whether I can trust without doubt that the partner feels the same way (regardless of the magnitude of the partner's feelings).I think this 'mutuality' is essential for building a long-term relationship.
In the first place, you cannot measure the magnitude of love.
'Who likes whom more' also depends on how the receiver feels.
That is why what's important is to understand the form of love that both find comfortable and to be in a relationship where you want to make the effort to meet each other's expectations.
I realized that if you feel happy on that basis, the 'size' of the love is not essential.
When I stopped conditional dating, my matchmaking started to move forward
Taking matchmaking as an opportunity,
when I looked back on my past relationships, I realized that I had always been in 'conditional relationships'.
'I feel safe if the partner likes me more'
'If he loves me this much, maybe he's the one'
'I should be with him because he cherishes me'
—that's how I put my own feelings on the back burner, using the partner's 'attitude' or 'conditions' as the standard.
But with this way of thinking, my matchmaking didn't move forward at all.
The reason is,
when you use conditions as a standard, the 'perspective of evaluating' the partner becomes the center, and you stop hearing the voice of your own heart.
The partner's specs, kindness, financial power, how they treat family, whether hobbies match or not, whether they do things for you...
Of course, these are important things, but 'having the right conditions = being able to be happy' is not necessarily true.
Especially in matchmaking,
I felt that starting with
'dating because the conditions are good'
or
'considering marriage because they love me'
is, in the long run, unlikely to become the driving force to overcome major difficulties when they arise.
Marriage is a 'communal life' and a life project.The feeling of forming a long-term team with the partner candidate in front of you is important, and
rather than conditions or whose love is greater, it is decisive whether you can both think 'I want to build a future life together.' Once I realized that, I changed my perspective significantly.
■ I stopped looking at conditions and started by asking myself questions
When I had a new encounter, instead of asking, "Is this person good enough?" or "Will this person make me happy?", I decided to replace those with the question,
"What kind of person do I become when I'm with them?"I decided to try that.
When you are marriage hunting, you inevitably end up focusing only on the "other person's conditions."
But what is truly important is how you want to live your life and whether that person can support those values. It's also about whether you feel you want to support them in return.
I suspect many women surprisingly forget that foundation.
Since switching to this perspective, my marriage hunting began to progress surprisingly smoothly.
■ Moving from "choosing and being chosen" to a "partnership of choosing each other"
In dating, things can sometimes work even if one person's "love" is stronger, but marriage is
a relationship built on mutual effort and consideration.
That is precisely why I felt that
whether you can become a relationship where you "choose each other" is what matters.
And I believe that by having this perspective, I was able to meet my current partner and move toward marriage naturally and without strain.