Watching Everyone's Backs, the Very Back is My Special Seat

Because of my quiet personality, I have been terrible at standing in front of people since I was a child. Walking at the front of a line was out of the question. Even when walking with a group of friends, I always made sure to slip into the back.

The first reason I disliked it was the anxiety and tension of feeling everyone's gaze on my back. The second was the perfectionist pressure that the leader must not get lost, must be perfect, and that a leader's failure leads to everyone's failure.

I used to take on burdens I didn't need to, all on my own. I really hated myself back then. If I could talk to my past self now, I would gently tell her that it's okay to rely on others and lean on them more.

That's why I always liked walking behind someone. It was much more calming for my heart to stay quiet, unnoticed, and walk while looking at the back of the person in front of me.

The reason I am standing on the court for women's volleyball now is, as expected, at the very back: the center of the back row. I am trusted as the key defensive position for the team.

In nine-player volleyball, players are often positioned in three layers—front, middle, and back—and unlike six-player volleyball, there is no rotation. You stay in the same position throughout the entire match.

The place I hated as a child, the very back, has turned into a place I am proud of today!

The receiver position doesn't involve soaring through the air brilliantly like an attacker, but from this position, I can see the backs of all my teammates clearly.

I see the backs of my teammates desperately reaching out to connect the ball, their powerful backs filled with soul at the moment they jump, and their slumped shoulders when they make a mistake.

"It's okay, I'm behind you."

I whisper that in my heart as I get into my defensive stance.

The child who used to follow behind someone out of anxiety has, before I knew it, become the person who protects everyone's backs from the very back.

The cowardice I felt back then, when I thought I didn't want to stand at the front, might have actually been the seed of my talent as a receiver—the desire to support those around me quietly without needing to stand out.

With several tournaments coming up in succession in January and February, the team's morale is rising with our twice-a-week practice schedule.

I am no longer just chasing everyone's backs. I will make this place my special seat so that everyone can face forward and fight with peace of mind.