How to maintain the father-child relationship during a long-distance assignment. Three tips for mothers.

When a father is away from home for long periods, the presence of a "father" can easily fade from a child's mind.

Good evening. This is Yoiyami no Cheetah.
I was once married to a man from Senegal for about 10 years.
Now, we are both living separate lives.

My ex-husband (my husband at the time) was on a long-distance assignment for half of the time he was employed as a full-time worker. With young children at home, how should one protect the relationship with a father who is away for long periods? I will write about what I practiced at the time.

I think the father-child relationship during his long-distance assignment went well, so I hope this will be helpful.

1. Are long-distance assignments common in West Africa?

My ex-husband came to Japan when we got married. He started with part-time jobs and changed jobs several times.

When he first went on a long-distance assignment, our children were still young and attending daycare. Our youngest was born while he was away.

It is not rare for men in Senegal and other parts of West Africa to take long-distance assignments.

To support their families, men will go to other towns or neighboring countries if there is work. If there is a chance, they might even go to a developed country alone.

Compared to Japan, it is easier to take extended time off. Women are also supported by their in-laws, so they do not feel isolated.

Relatively speaking, the hurdle for long-distance assignments is low.

2. What is difficult about long-distance assignments in Japan?

On the other hand, the situation in Japan is different.

Nuclear families, dual-income households.

The concept that "household and child-rearing are for women" is still deeply rooted. Therefore, when a long-distance assignment occurs with children involved, the burden inevitably shifts to the woman who remains behind.

That period was tough.
Honestly, I don't have many memories of it...

3. To maintain a good relationship even when apart

In our case, our young children could only see their father during Golden Week, Obon, and the New Year holidays. I was worried that their relationship might become awkward.

Among the things I did, the one I think was most effective was

1. Bringing up the father in daily conversation

It is.
"Daddy is working hard for us."
"Daddy is very strong."
"Daddy is even stronger than [Hero Name]."

Make the father afrequent topic of conversation between mother and child. And,make positive comments.

By having the mother speak respectfully about the father, the presence of the "father" remains in the child's mind even when he is not there.

It might be half like brainwashing (laughs).

Even if you had an argument on the phone the day before, hold back from speaking ill of him in front of the children.

Other than that,

② Frequent video calls
→ The key is to increase the frequency, even if it's for a short time. We accumulated small conversations by seeing each other's faces and hearing each other's voices.

③ Meet halfway on weekends
→ In our case, my ex-husband was often assigned to work very far away, and his location changed periodically.

On weekends when our schedules aligned, we would meet halfway and enjoy a mini-trip.

After all, being able to actually touch each other is the best thing.

4. Finally

Thanks to these small efforts, I think my ex-husband was able to easily blend back into the family when he finished his assignment and returned home.

Of course, I think it depends on the age of the children, but it was worth the conscious effort.

──However, this is just a "superficial success story." Behind the scenes, other problems were progressing at the same time.

The past me, who worked while doing everything alone and desperately kept raising the father's stock. There were times when I felt my ex-husband's attitude was a bit strange when I called him during his assignment.

There were also nights when he suddenly became unreachable.

What I learned later was that he had started having special relationships with women in the country around that time.

Even when it came to the divorce, the father remained a hero in the children's eyes. It was a bit ironic.

Even when the children grow up, I probably won't be able to tell them about all the betrayals committed by their "wonderful dad." For the sake of the children's mental well-being, it might have been good that the image of a "good father" remained.

The truth that I will take to my grave is a secret known only to me and
──you, who happened to find it.

I have compiled information about the cultural and value differences that occur in international marriages in this magazine.

▶︎https://note.com/yoiyami_cheetah/m/m88fa97fa5d78

And, what kind of outcome did the accumulation of those choices lead to? The main series, which chronicles my actual experiences in chronological order, is here.

▶︎https://note.com/yoiyami_cheetah/m/m2746c2948b42

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