Finally Accepting That I Like Being Alone

I am not good at socializing. I have no hobbies. I have no friends.

Whenever I say this, the people around me always look worried. "Are you okay?" "Why don't you try starting something?" "You should interact with people more." Such voices come from friends, family, and most harshly, from within myself.

As I grew older, that anxiety increased. My children grew up and eventually left home. As retirement came into view, the question of "Is it okay to stay like this?" began to weigh on my mind more and more. Looking around, I saw people spending their time on fulfilling hobbies and people living vibrant lives as part of some community. Compared to such people, I began to think that perhaps I was lacking something.

However, having lived this long, I have finally begun to realize something.

That this is not a flaw, but simply my temperament. That it is my true self, which has been there all along.

Reconciliation with the sense of discomfort that has been there all along

Looking back, this tendency to "like being alone" has existed for a very long time. It goes back to when I was a child. When I came home from school, I felt more at ease reading a book by myself or doing things at my own pace than playing with friends. Even when invited after school, I would make up excuses to decline. Even on my days off, I felt comfortable being alone at home.

At that time, I did not think of it as a "flaw." It was just how I felt. It was just who I was.

However, as I moved up in grades, the expectations of those around me began to become clear. "You're a boy, so you should play with your friends more." "If you're always alone like that, people will think you're strange." Such voices began to reach me from adults.

And I began to internalize that as well. Is liking to be alone something bad? Am I incomplete as a human being because I am not sociable? Such anxiety began to take root quietly.

Even after becoming an adult, that did not change. If anything, it worsened. Relationships at work, private interactions, time with family. All of them were filled with the silent pressure that I "should be more actively involved." In the age of social media, this became even more pronounced. Everyone is devoted to something. Everyone values their time with friends. It seemed as if I alone was outside of that circle.

That is why I have been forcing myself for so long. I forced myself to try to build relationships. I forced myself to try to find hobbies. I forced myself to try to live a "normal life."

What was the result? I got tired. My heart became heavy. Before I knew it, I didn't even know what I wanted to do or what I liked.

Who decided what is "normal"?

Here, I would like to pose a simple question.

There are people who like socializing, and there are people who dislike it. There are people with many hobbies, and there are people who do not have specific hobbies. There are people with many friends, and there are people with few. Isn't this just a matter of individual differences?

Nevertheless, in our society, one side is considered "normal, healthy, and fulfilling," while the other is treated as if they have "problems, are isolated, and have a boring life."

Who decided that?

People who enjoy connecting with others are considered "sociable and good people," while those who value time alone are considered "introverted and problematic people." People with fulfilling hobbies are seen as "living a fulfilling life," while those without specific hobbies are worried about as "living a boring and dull life."

But is that really true?

There are people who only find peace of mind when they are alone. There are definitely people who wish to proceed at their own pace rather than meeting someone else's expectations. Is there any need for such people to go out of their way to force themselves to be sociable? Is there any need to go out of their way to force themselves to have hobbies?

In fact, isn't that very strain what eats away at the mind and body? Isn't that very strain what makes life heavy and suffocating?

Think about it. Was your difficulty with socializing really a "weakness to be overcome"? Or was it just that the "fatigue" born from the process of trying to force yourself to fit your temperament made it look that way?

It is the same even with family

There is a saying, "It is the same even with family." In other words, you prefer being alone so much that even when you are with your family, you want to be alone.

Generally, time with family is considered special and something that should be cherished with all one's heart. The value that time spent together as a family—as a parent or as a spouse—should be the greatest joy in life is deeply ingrained in society.

Therefore, for many people, the phrase "it is the same even with family" might be hard to understand or sound cold. Some might think, "Do you not even want to be with your own family?" or "Don't you love your family?"

But that is a misunderstanding.

The reason you feel that it is the same even with family is not because you do not love your family, but because your mind requires a constant, steady pace and a moderate sense of distance at all times. It is because being with someone is, in itself, an energy-consuming act.

Humans have various temperaments. There are those who feel the joy of connecting with others through time spent together. But at the same time, there are those who only feel peace of mind by keeping a distance from others. You are the latter.

Such a person cannot completely ignore time with family. You have a responsibility to watch over your family. But at the same time, you also need to maintain the minimum pace of your own mind. When you try to balance both, the feeling that "it is the same even with family" is actually an honest and sincere voice of the heart.

While being together, your heart maintains its own pace. While being considerate of others, you also value your own time. Some might call that way of relating cold. But that is wrong. It means facing your family as you are, without lying to your own emotions.

Rather than forcing yourself out of a sense of duty to act as if time with family is "fun," wouldn't it be more sincere and lead to a more stable relationship in the long run to engage with them as you are, while maintaining your own pace?

Is having no hobbies really a flaw?

When we hear "I have no hobbies," it sounds like life is boring and unfulfilled. Since we were students, humans have been encouraged to "have hobbies." We have been taught that having something to devote yourself to enriches life. Therefore, having no hobbies makes life feel incomplete, as if something is missing.

But is that really the case?

In reality, aren't the people who are trying to force themselves to have hobbies the ones who are tired? People who have poured most of their energy into work and family, and in the little time they have left, carry the sense of duty that "this is my hobby, so I must enjoy it" while continuing to do something. Isn't that state much heavier?

Perhaps you don't "lack hobbies," but rather have a temperament where "you don't need to go out of your way to pursue anything, because this moment right now is enough." In a sense, that is a very healthy state, and one that is honest with your own heart.

You work, watch over your family, and fulfill your daily responsibilities. In the midst of that, sometimes you think quietly alone, sometimes you read a book, and sometimes you do nothing at all. Even such a plain life has plenty of meaning. Rather, isn't it in such a life that true humanity resides?

The idea that "life should be filled with meaningful activities" is actually a relatively new value. Many people in the past lived their lives without having special hobbies, by spending time with family, working, and occasionally meeting friends. That was enough, and in fact, that was the reality for many people.

In this age of social media, are the lives of those who appear to be "living their best lives" truly fulfilling? Or are they simply desperately performing the act of "looking fulfilled"? It is difficult for anyone to tell the difference.

That is precisely why I want you to ask yourself what you truly feel. Does having a hobby really enrich your life? Or is the act of forcing yourself to have one actually making your life poorer?

Preparing to let go of a long-held complex

Perhaps you are finally ready to let go of a complex that has been there for a long time.

"Is there something wrong with me for liking to be alone?" "Am I incomplete because I don't have a hobby?" "Is it abnormal that I don't have friends?"

Perhaps you already have the answer to those questions. No, you are not wrong. You are not incomplete. You are not abnormal. This is simply your temperament. That is all there is to it.

Reaching that realization might seem like a small thing. However, it is an extremely significant turning point in your life. Because for the first time, you are being liberated from the feeling that "I am wrong," which has been built up inside you over several decades.

You no longer need to force yourself to start something just to "fix" yourself. You no longer need to force yourself to try to be social. You no longer need to search for a hobby to bring yourself closer to being "normal."

You are a person who can listen to the voice of your heart while in solitude. If you can accept that trait not as a flaw, but as your true self, the world should look different.

The true nature of fatigue

Based on what I have discussed so far, perhaps the true nature of the "loss of vitality" you are feeling is becoming a little clearer.

It may not be mere laziness or weakness of spirit, but rather "the screams of your mind and body as a result of continuing to force yourself against your true temperament." You have shouldered the responsibilities of work, poured your time into your family, and throughout that entire process, you have continued to suppress your true self. Perhaps that accumulation is now manifesting as a sense of fatigue.

If that is the case, the solution is not to "have a hobby" or "belong to a community," but rather to "accept yourself." Acknowledge that you are a person who prefers to be alone. If you can do that, you will no longer need to force yourself, and little by little, you may find more room in both your mind and body.

Until retirement, and beyond

Eight years until retirement. During that time, you must continue to fulfill your responsibilities to your family. That is something you yourself desire as well. Watching over the stability of your family and the growth of your children. You have no intention of wasting that time.

But at the same time, I want you to remember that your life continues beyond those eight years. What will happen to your life after retirement? At that point, the opportunity will finally come to face the question of "how will I spend my life" head-on.

The fact that you sometimes think, "I want to live quietly in a town near the sea," may not actually be a wrong way of thinking. Rather, it is about living honestly according to your temperament.

Of course, you cannot do that right now. You have responsibilities to your family. But in the life that follows, if possible, it is okay to have time to spend quietly alone. It is okay not to have friends. It is okay not to have hobbies. Being alone is more comfortable than anything else. Because you are that kind of person, you can maintain your own pace and keep your peace of mind.

Why not consider your life after retirement as a completely new option? You are living for your family now. That is noble. But after that, it is okay to have time to spend quietly, at your own pace, alone. Perhaps it is fine to think of those two lives as separate.

To someone in a similar place

If there is anyone reading this who feels the same way, I want to tell you something quietly.

You are not alone. People who like being by themselves definitely exist. People who have no particular hobbies and are perfectly content living that way exist. There are also those who are not particularly bothered by having few friends. Such people are not lacking anything; they simply have a different temperament.

Society is constantly sending out messages like "be more social" and "live a more fulfilling life." Social media continuously streams fragments of fulfilled lives. Because of this, you start to think that there might be something wrong with you for not fitting that mold.

However, I want you to stop here for a moment. Is that message truly the voice of your own heart? Or is it a voice imposed from the outside that you have unconsciously internalized?

If it is the latter, there is a possibility of being freed from that voice. By acknowledging your true temperament and accepting it, life should become much easier.

Small Changes

Just because you have reached this realization does not mean your life will change dramatically. You will likely still enjoy being alone. You probably won't become good at socializing. Your hobbies will likely not increase either.

However, the evaluation of that "as is" state will change. It is not a flaw, but your true self. Just being able to think that way will make your heart feel lighter. Every day will become a little easier.

Even if you are with your family and cannot fully entrust your heart to them, it is not because you lack love, but because that is your temperament. If you understand that, you will no longer need to blame yourself.

Living your days calmly without forcing yourself to do anything is a life in itself. You can walk that life with confidence.

Cherishing This Moment

The eight years until retirement might be short. But the weight of eight years spent in anxiety versus eight years spent accepting yourself should be completely different.

It is okay if you cannot immediately answer the question, "What do I live for?" While living with that question, spending this moment as peacefully as possible—isn't that what you can do right now?

And in that process, gently accepting that you are a person who prefers to be alone. I believe that such small accumulations will change your life, little by little.