Novel | "Serenity Pattern" Episode 14
The sun is gradually sinking. The thought that the day is coming to an end makes me feel down. And when darkness arrives, things I can manage while it's bright become impossible to handle. I can no longer distract myself, so loneliness, helplessness, anxiety, and fear come rushing in all at once.
The sun sets completely, and the darkness of night comes in its place.
Kaori and Yu lay out their own futons on the tatami mats. Taking the futons out of the closet is quite a heavy task, and both of them stumble as they carry them.
Usually, Mom would lay them out for us. She would even tuck us in with a blanket right when Kaori and Yu lay down.
"Kaori. How about we line up our stuffed animals around the futons today?" Yu says, holding a stuffed animal in each hand.
"Oh." Even though Yu is lonely too. It really comes across that he is trying to cheer Kaori up with all sorts of ideas. When Yu tries his best, Kaori feels like she can try her best too. There are so many things I can do because Yu is here.
"How about we line them up like this?" Yu lines them up carefully.
"Hehe." Kaori copies him. The fluffy texture, the cute faces. Lining up the stuffed animals with Yu makes me feel at peace.
"I'm here with you, so it's going to be okay," Yu says, holding Kaori's favorite squirrel stuffed animal and speaking for it.
"Thank you." Kaori says this from the bottom of her heart.
"I hate turning off the lights," Yu says as he heads toward the switch.
"Yeah. I hate it when it gets dark. But thank you for going to turn them off."
My eyes have gotten used to the darkness. Yu doesn't seem to be able to fall asleep easily either. Six days have passed while we still haven't gotten used to life without Mom.
*
Today is the long-awaited day of Mom's discharge from the hospital.
We go to the general hospital to pick her up with Yama-san.
I can see Mom through the glass window.
Mom has already finished getting ready to leave and is sitting on a chair near the entrance. She is looking outside. When she spots Kaori and Yu, she waves with a smile.
"Kaori, there's Mom. Let's go meet her." Yu runs off happily.
"Yeah. Let's go. Let's go." Kaori runs off with him.
Mom has moved near the entrance and meets the two of them instead.
"Moooooom!"
"Mommmmy!" Yu and Kaori jump into Mom's arms almost at the same time.
The fact that their voices overlapped and harmonized makes me want to laugh, and laughter wells up inside me.
"Kaori, did you say 'Mommy'?"
"Yeah. I said 'Mommy', didn't I?"
"Hahahaha!" Kaori and Yu roll around laughing.
"You both did your best." Even though Mom was the one who actually had surgery and worked hard, she prioritizes her children. It's always like that.
"Yama-san, thank you for everything. You were a big help."
"Not at all. Other than the one time Kaori-chan cried because she wanted to see Yaeko-san, they were very well-behaved."
Yaeko looks at Kaori and Yu alternately with an indescribable expression. Then, we get into Yama-san's car and head home.
I was so happy and relieved to be able to go back to the same house with Mom today.
"Mom, don't disappear again, okay?" Yu asks.
"I'm sorry. Mom won't disappear."
How reassuring that exchange was for Kaori.
Even though I thought it would be enough to just live with Mom ever since I was old enough to understand things.
And yet, now that I'm a middle school student, I end up hurting the Mom who is right by my side. The anger I can't suppress within myself explodes periodically. It's not like it's okay to say whatever I want to Mom. But she's the only one I can take it out on.
The feelings with nowhere to go that were suppressed while living with Tome-san and at school. The things I've been enduring for so long have piled up like magma, boiling over until my emotions roar. And then, I erupt in front of Mom.
I'm not strong enough to endure it all on my own.