[Essay] If I have lost my memories, am I still truly "me"? A strange experience taught to me by sleeping pills and video games

On nights when you just can't seem to fall asleep, what do you do?

Recently, I had the opportunity to touch upon the topic of "sleep" in my own magazine. When you can't sleep, you might drink a warm beverage or listen to relaxing music. I think everyone has their own way of spending that time.

As for me, I have been living with insomnia for many years now. I have particular trouble falling asleep, so I take several medications prescribed by my doctor. Since disruptions in my sleep rhythm are not good for my underlying bipolar disorder, I have tried many different types of medication to find what works for me.

Perhaps those who have never taken sleep-inducing medication faithfully follow the rule of "going straight to bed after taking it." However, for me, taking medication had become far too routine.

I would kill time between taking my medicine and the drowsiness setting in. Yes, I would end up playing video games.

※Please do not ever imitate this.

The game I loved and the lost time

By the way, I love a game called Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader. It is a game with a truly grand story, developed by a studio in Cyprus called Owlcat Games.

It is a super-branching RPG where the story changes significantly based on the player's choices. Because of that, I was taking my time, carefully saving my game in different slots so I could enjoy the event scenes in both English and Japanese.

The story was finally reaching its climax. I had been looking forward to one important event scene so much.

But... what could have happened?

The next day, when I picked up the controller to continue the game...

Somehow, it had been saved at a point I didn't recognize.

And the event scene I had been looking forward to so much was completely over. I sat there, gripping the controller, trembling for a while.

Wait, what does this mean...?

Of course, I have an idea of what happened.

Another "me" was there

The sleep-inducing medication (brotizolam) I was taking at the time was likely too strong for me. There were times when my memory would completely blank out for about 30 minutes right before I fell asleep.

Perhaps the function of the hippocampus, the part of the brain that governs "memory," was temporarily impaired.

It was as if there was another version of myself.

Objectively speaking, this phenomenon was quite interesting. When I would "check" what I had done the next morning, I would find that I had washed the dishes I finished eating from, or that the choices made in a game were things like, "Ah, that's exactly what I would do." My actions were consistent.

However, when I told my doctor about this, they immediately changed my medication, saying, "That's a bit concerning, so let's switch you to a different one."

The problem is this:

The fact that an event scene I was looking forward to had been cleared "on its own" (at least, that's how it felt to me).

How did I "feel" at that time? I probably should have been enjoying it with excitement, but I have absolutely no memory of it. That's why I even thought, "The version of me that enjoyed it is so unfair."

If there is no memory, are you not "yourself"?

Even without the memory, the one who had that experience was undoubtedly "me," possessing the same body.

And yet, I just couldn't feel it as something that happened to me.

I realized that this strange sensation is because "memory" itself is strongly linked to the ego, that is, the sense that "I am myself."

Even if the same body and consciousness experience something, if those memories are severed, it feels as if it were the event of another person. Perhaps personality is built upon such continuous memories.

Recently, I have had more opportunities to work with generative AI, and I often think about "what consciousness is" and "what the difference between humans and AI is." It is a slightly philosophical question, but one of the answers must be the perspective of "the presence or absence of an ego."

And through this experience, I strongly felt that that ego is largely rooted in "memory."

This kind of experience can by no means be called a "positive event." However, it was a very "interesting" occurrence that allowed me to look at my own existence from a slightly different angle.

That said, if you ever have the occasion to take sleeping pills or similar medication...

please go quietly to bed after taking your medicine.

If it's just a game, it might end as a funny story, but it would be terrible if you stumbled and got injured. If you were to talk to someone or perform unintended actions that caused trouble for others while you had no memory, it might be irreversible.

That was my slightly strange lesson and personal experience.

#YeKu #Essay #Insomnia #MentalHealth #PersonalExperience #Games #Memory #BipolarDisorder