On nights when you regret 'stepping too far.' Practicing waving from across the river.

At night, before I fall asleep, a review session starts in my head, filled with hazy thoughts.

I wonder how that way of saying it was taken.
Maybe I said a little too much.

Once the solo review session begins, I can't sleep.
I start to feel more and more anxious.

I worry about a slight clouding of the other person's expression or a slow reply, and it feels like evidence that I've been disliked. My stomach feels heavy.

Today, I would like to think a little bit about this with you, as you struggle with the 'distance' between people.

Kindness is made of 'form'

Is there anything you are careful about when talking to people?

I am very cautious when choosing my words.
For example,

- Am I stepping too far into the other person's heart?
- Conversely, am I being too distant and cold?- Am I unconsciously using a condescending tone, as if to say 'I'll teach you'?
- Am I speaking as 'I think this' rather than assuming 'You are like this'?- Is it appropriate for the other person's situation and feelings?
- Furthermore, is it highly likely that my words will be encouraging to the other person?

I think about these things, but I can't always do it perfectly.

Even so, if there are people who feel my words are 'kind,' it is not because I am a saint, but simply because I amthinking about it an awful lot.

'But, in communication, feelings are more important than thinking...'

I would like to think so, but sadly, the reality is that there are many things that cannot be conveyed by feelings alone.

For example, when you want to tell someone who is exhausted, 'Don't push yourself, it's okay to rely on others sometimes.'

'Why do you try to do everything alone? That's why you never grow. You need to learn to rely on others.'

Being told this, versus,

'You have really worked hard all by yourself until now. But it is okay to rely on someone. Why don't you try to gather the courage to reach out next time?'
The ease of receiving these two messages is as different as heaven and earth, isn't it?
(Of course, I think there are differences in how people feel about it.)

But it is also a fact that the content is exactly the same.

For many people, if the 'form' (the way of saying it) is not right, a sense of rejection comes out before they can accept the content, doesn't it?

Especially when I am active in sharing information, I realize that the way of saying things is 90%, or rather 80%, more important than the content itself.

However, perhaps,what causes us more pain than 'how we say things' might actually be our 'sense of distance.'

There is a 'river' between us that we cannot cross

The other day, Konoruka Hebereke, the representative of 'Konoruka Lab,' released a video that really struck a chord.

'Why we miss each other despite our kindness. How to build relationships by sending 'signals' instead of building 'bridges'.'

What was discussed was the idea that 'there is always a river flowing between people.'

We wish to 'understand' those we like and those who are important to us.

But reality is cruel. No matter how close you are, or even if you are related by blood, you and others are separate individuals.

We can never feel exactly the same way, nor can we ever fully understand each other.

We stand on opposite banks of a river that we can never fully cross.

Did that feel a little lonely?
On the contrary, I felt relieved by this perspective.

Because many of the times we fail in our relationships are when we try to force a 'bridge' across this river.

'I'm doing this for your own good'
'I want us to be closer'

Driven by such good intentions, we build a bridge to the other person's shore and try to cross over. To the other person, that might feel like an 'invasion'.
No matter how close you are, everyone has a sanctuary—a personal space—where they say, 'Don't come any further than this.'

A bridge built with good intentions can end up trampling over the other person's garden.

And then, when you are rejected, you get hurt, thinking, 'But I care about you so much.'
This might be the 'failure of distance' that we are prone to falling into.

Stop 'guessing' and start watching for 'signals'

So, what should we do?
If we cannot cross the river, are we destined to remain lonely?

In the video, Konoruka-san talked about the importance of sending 'signals' instead of building bridges.

The other person shows a boundary, saying, 'You can come this far.'
Or they give off an air of, 'Leave me alone for now.'You observe that carefully from the opposite bank.

'Ah, it seems like a day where I shouldn't go over there.'
'It looks like it's okay to get this close.'

That is how you respect the 'signal' from someone on the other side of the river, and never try to cross by force.

Perhaps that is what adult, mature kindness is all about.

I myself actually have a fairly wide personal space.
I am the type who feels more at ease when there is a greater distance between people.

I pull back when people push too hard, and conversely, I often feel down when I get too close to someone and think, 'Ah, I messed up.' But sometimes, even while keeping that distance, I feel happy when someone still reaches out to me.

However, if I stand on the premise that 'a river is flowing,' I can think that I don't have to force myself to get closer.

Even just waving from afar might convey my feelings.

Supporting, at a comfortable distance

Kiruka-san, who gave me this realization, has recently been trying out the widget feature on note to introduce not only her own videos but also 'recommended videos'.

She says she introduces videos that she feels that way about. Isn't that wonderful? It's like lining up someone's lovely work on a shelf.

This is also a form of 'support' with a just-right sense of distance. I am always thinking about what I can do to be supportive, so I was happy just to learn about this new idea.

I followed her lead and, with her permission, placed the video of Kiruka-san, who inspired this article, in my note widget.

If you'd like, please take a look, as if you were watching from the opposite bank of the river.

Today, I thought about the 'shape' of words and the 'distance' between people.
I will probably never grasp the perfect sense of distance in my entire life.

Even so, just knowing that 'we are on different banks,' don't you feel like you could be a little kinder to others and yourself than you were today?

In the past, I have also written about the sense of distance in my membership magazine.

May's 'Human Relationship Reset Technique' ~How to find a comfortable distance to heal the fatigue of the new fiscal year~

You might find a hint that suits your heart.

▶Click here for the series magazine.

Thank you for reading until the end.

#YeKu #MentalCare #MentalHealth #SproutsOfWellbeing #SenseOfDistance #Communication #InterpersonalRelationshipWorries