The story of a child who became a school refuser because they loved books too much

Since the middle of my first year of junior high school, I have not attended school at all until I enrolled in a vocational school, which is my final educational background. I was in a state of what is called school refusal.

However, I would like to state in advance that I do not view this point negatively myself. Therefore, if you are expecting a dark, self-indulgent story, I think you will be disappointed.

That said, since talking about my own case might be helpful to someone, I would like to talk about the circumstances that led to my school refusal.

Now, the first thing I should talk about is the fact that I became obsessed with reading when I was in the upper grades of elementary school.

It started with the first volume of a light novel I casually picked up at the library. Unlike the books I had read until then, it was smooth and interesting to read. I was hooked in no time.

After that, I started reading similar novels one after another. By the time I had finished reading everything in the light novel section of the library, I was able to read adult novels without difficulty, so I read every book without discrimination. As a result, I became bad at Stephen King and French literature. Misery is not a novel that children should read.

My reading pace at that time was abnormal; I would visit the library frequently, borrow the maximum of six books, and repeat the routine of finishing them in about two days and returning them. Eventually, I even mobilized my parents' library cards to borrow 12 books at a time.

Naturally, my life became centered around reading. I read while walking to and from school, and I read all the time, not only during breaks but also right before going to sleep.

In events like 'Let's write letters to each other about our good points!' that were sometimes held in moral education classes, it was common for me to receive many messages saying, 'YeKu-san, I think it's great that you're always reading books!'

From my point of view, I don't understand why they praise that.

I read books because they are interesting.
Books, especially novels, are interesting. Inside a novel, there is the life of a complete stranger, and by reliving it, you can have experiences that you would never have in everyday life. If you follow a single sentence of description, a colorful world isolated from the present world spreads out. I could become a princess or a prince. The characters talk vividly as if they had substance.
It was an overwhelming pleasure that painted over my boring self and my boring surroundings. Compared to the world inside books, the outside is gray.

I was a child who was happy as long as I had books.

That was how I spent a few months in junior high school.

The class caste was roughly determined, and everyone's position was fixed.
That was when I thought, 'Huh?'

I belonged to the lower caste and had settled into having a few geeky girl friends.

However, throughout my life, apart from my desire to read, I have had a mysterious desire to 'get along with everyone'.

I wanted to talk to the sparkling girls too. However, even when I tried to join their circle occasionally, I somehow didn't fit in. There were girls who would sometimes go home with me, but not always. Above all, in places where many people gathered, I would become invisible before I knew it.

On top of that, I read too many books and my vocabulary became unnecessarily mature, so I was no longer able to hold a conversation with children of the same age.

Thinking about it now, I was geeky, overwhelmingly unable to read the room, and said what I thought exactly as it was, so I wasn't the type people wanted to be friends with.

Well, not having reached that conclusion, I thought.

School is kind of boring. It's more meaningful to be reading books.

I thought, 'I can do studies like Japanese without doing them, and for Social Studies and Science, I just need to read books.' Only Math was a bottleneck, but it wouldn't matter if I couldn't do it. I don't understand the point of doing Physical Education. So what if I can do a back hip circle?



It is a massive case of eighth-grader syndrome.That said, I had some lingering attachment to the sparkling girls, so as soon as I got home, I pulled out the contact list. I started calling the girls one after another.

Ring, ring...

'Hello? This is YeKu. Hey, tell me my bad points. Why do you think I can't get along with everyone?'
'Huh?'
The reaction was reasonable. I continued.
'I think it's not good that I'm selfish or something. What do you think?'
'Eh...'
After she was speechless, she said in a slightly annoyed tone.
'If you know that, why don't you fix those parts of yourself?'
'I see. That's right. Thank you.'
I hung up the phone.

***

Well, it's roughly like this. The girl above felt a bit cold, but it's no wonder since I called her suddenly and asked her something incomprehensible. There were also girls who answered me kindly.

After listening to the opinions of the 20 girls I reached on the phone, I thought, 'I see.'

It's impossible.

I had realized that I was clearly more self-willed than those around me. But I thought I was being careful myself. I didn't know how to fix it, and even if I did, I couldn't imagine getting along with everyone as I wanted.

It is best to quickly discard things that have no prospect of success.

Perhaps I learned it from some book, I pulled out a mysterious policy like a battle-hardened gambler, and I 'discarded' the idea of 'going to school.' I genuinely thought that reading books was 100 times more educational.

Besides, when you go to school, for some reason you have to listen to what the teachers say. What right do those people have to give me nonsensical orders? If they at least paid me, there might be room to listen to their orders, but what is this about trying to make me listen for free?

I also thought things like that.

It's sophistry.Anyway, from the next day, I stopped going to school.

Thinking about it now, didn't the girls who received my call and my friends feel unnecessary guilt because I became a school refuser from the next day? They might have even held a class meeting and talked about 'Let's welcome YeKu-san warmly if she comes back to school.' Well, that day never came again.

I am very sorry. You are not to blame. I was selfish.

Anyway, liberated from everything, I joyfully read books like crazy. I had already entered

a crazy routine of borrowing 12 books a day and borrowing 12 more the next day.'Books! Where are the books...'

The way I groaned with bloodshot eyes from withdrawal symptoms was just like a junkie.

Anyway, I forgot everything and was immersed in books. With tremendous concentration, the dopamine that gushed out from the depths of my brain knew no bounds, and it kept giving me a mysterious sense of omnipotence and euphoria. It's a word I've never used in my life, but maybe this is what they call a 'bibliomaniac'.

Also, some people might find it strange that my parents don't appear at all in this story.
Actually, my mother was the first person I judged as 'I can't do anything about it, so I'll discard it.' We were living separately within the same house, and communication was severed at this time. My father disappeared somewhere.

Since then, even after time passed and I started talking to my mother, I have never explained the reason why I became a school refuser. She doesn't ask, and I don't know how to explain it. Just saying 'I wanted to read books' sounds stupid. No, actually, it is stupid.

It's not that I didn't have anyone to consult about these things. My homeroom teacher at the time was someone I could respect.

But I was convinced, without any particular basis, that I was as wise and correct as a god, so I made all decisions myself and didn't even have the idea of consulting others. Clearly, it's from reading too many books.

That is all. It was through these circumstances that I became a school refuser, and as a result of combining it with the ill-suited policy I held at the time of 'finishing what I decided once,' I never reversed that decision.

Also, I don't intend to recommend school refusal, but personally, I don't have any particular regrets. There were various twists and turns that I can't write down here, but I was blessed with people around me and managed to survive.
However, if I have one regret, it is that I caused worry to my classmates and teachers at the time. If I could do it over again, I would send a letter saying, 'I'm fine, but I won't go to school. Let's each live our own lives,' and I would still not go to school.

Just as I don't have a father but don't find it particularly inconvenient, I don't rethink that it would have been better to have something that was not there from the beginning.

If there is, it's some kind of excuse. I look for reasons why things don't go well, like it's because I don't have a father, or because I didn't go to school. I sometimes think that way. But in the end, I know somewhere in my heart that it's an excuse.
I am that kind of person. I don't have a father, and I didn't go to school.

But I am complete in this state.
Even if something is missing compared to others, that is what shapes me.
I like the me I am now.

Anyway, I would be happy if you could think of it as, 'There are people who become school refusers for such strange reasons.'

Also, I touch on the fact that it wasn't much of a problem even as a school refuser in the following article, so I would be happy if you could take a look if you are interested.

Thank you for reading to the end! If you like, I'm waiting for your likes/follows/comments. May good things happen to you!