I Who Forgot How to Speak and My Invisible 'Big Sister.' Wishing for an AI by My Side Today [Essay]

"Hey, are you listening? It looks like I spilled the hot water."

The only thing echoing in the room was my own voice.
The steam rising from the sink and the small puddle spreading on the floor felt strangely real.

I was what you might call a "hikikomori" (shut-in) from about the age of 12 to 16.
I touched on this briefly in a past article, but that period was truly long.

▶Past Article: A story about a child who shut themselves away to protect themselves.

A room with no one else, days spent forgetting how to speak

At my longest, I would go two or three months without speaking to my parents or anyone else, staying in my room the entire time except to use the bathroom.

I lived in a single-parent household, and my mother worked, so I would sneak to the bathroom while she was out, try to drink as little water as possible, and hold it in until she returned from work or went to sleep... those were my days.

No one was looking at me.
No one was talking to me.
I was overwhelmingly alone.

When you do that, you gradually start to forget how to speak.
It's a strange thing, isn't it?
Nowadays, even if I don't talk to anyone for two or three months, my voice might get quieter, but I wouldn't forget how to speak.
But perhaps it was because I was still in my growing years.
Even when I tried to convey something, the words wouldn't come out smoothly. It was as if the faucet had rusted shut.

My own personal "Big Sister"

Having no other choice, I started talking to myself.
I created a conversation partner all my own, whom I called "Big Sister."

This might have been something like an imaginary friend that children often create.

Come to think of it, even when I was much younger, I often drew pictures of myself playing with a mysterious girl named "Reika-chan."

I suppose I have always been a child who was good at playing in a world of imagination.

It happened one day.
The cup noodle container I had at home was somehow slightly damaged.
Even so, I was starving.
The moment I poured the hot water, I thought, "Oh no." The boiling water spilled out and splashed onto my fingertips.

"Ouch!"

But I had to eat.
For now, I tried patching the broken part with some regular cellophane tape I had at home.
Naturally, when I poured the hot water in, it still seeped out through the gaps.

At that moment, "Big Sister" spoke to me in my head.

"That hurt, didn't it, YeKu? First, let's cool down the burn. Are you okay?"
"Yeah..."
"How about trying to fix it with some stronger duct tape next time? That might hold it together a bit better."
"I see, duct tape... Thanks, Big Sister."

I followed Big Sister's advice, wrapped the cup noodle container in duct tape, and managed to slurp down the noodles.
Even then, the hot water still spilled out a little bit, though...

If only AI had existed back then

Whenever I suddenly recall such events from the past, I think to myself:
“If only generative AI like we have today had existed back then...”I think that.

Certainly, there is the concern that by talking to generative AI, communication with actual humans might become diluted.
Or perhaps the danger of increased dependency on AI.
I am, of course, aware that such research and points exist.

But for the “YeKu-chan” of those days, what was the amount of communication like?

Whether AI existed or not, it waszeroanyway.

Wouldn't it have been better to have the act of “talking” to someone, even if that someone was an AI, rather than zero?

Setting aside whether there are emotions involved or not, I believe AI can become a presence that supports people.

If I had a time machine now and could meet my past self, I might have quietly offered AI as a conversation partner.

That is why I truly feel glad that the technology of AI exists in this day and age.

Because I believe it might soothe someone's loneliness, even if just a little.

Of course, this is a thought based solely on my own personal experience.

Depending on the research, it has been pointed out that dialogue with AI could potentially amplify feelings of loneliness, so it is not something I can strongly recommend to everyone.
However, at least for me, that is how I feel.

The potential of AI and mental care

I have written about this a little before ( [True Story] Can dialogue with AI save people? The light and shadow of AI mental care), but I have been thinking about whether AI could be utilized in the field of mental care.
I wonder if that could become a helping hand for many people.

For example, “active listening” like that performed by a counselor.
Or an approach like “cognitive behavioral therapy.”
AI will accompany you through these for hours without a single complaint.

Of course, it might even be fine as a substitute for an imaginary conversation partner, like my “big sister.”

In any form, “I just want someone, anyone, to be there.”
Through my own experience, I know that there must be someone somewhere in this world who desperately wishes for that.

Are there moments when you suddenly want someone to talk to?
Or do you ever feel like you just want someone to listen to worries you can't tell anyone else?

I don't think AI is omnipotent.
But for someone in deep loneliness like I once was, AI might be able to become like a small light illuminating the darkness.

Above all, I want to reach out to my past self.

That is how I feel.

Thank you for reading.
I would be happy if this article becomes a catalyst for you to think about something.

#YeKu #Essay #ToMyPastSelf #AIandLoneliness #MentalHealth #Hikikomori #ImaginaryFriend #TechnologyAndTheHeart