The reasons for our actions may only be put into words after the fact

The other day, my second son, who has been struggling with school attendance, said, "It's hard for me to eat the school lunch..."

For my son, who is a picky eater, school lunch is a bit of a hurdle, and
the thought of "having to eat it" makes the very idea of going to school feel overwhelming.

So, when I asked, "Well, would you like to bring a packed lunch?"
he replied, "If I can do that, I'll go!"

Since he was going to school starting from the third period that day, I wrote the situation in his contact notebook, packed him a lunch, and sent him off.

However, I immediately received a call from the school,

"There are issues with hygiene and other factors regarding packed lunches, so they cannot be brought in without prior coordination with the school nurse and the nutrition teacher. Since he cannot eat the packed lunch today, please come pick him up before the lunch period."

That is what I was told.

When I heard that,

"Wait, there's no way a hygiene issue could arise from him starting school at the third period. Besides, my son is planning to eat his lunch in a separate room for individual instruction, not in the classroom where everyone else eats. Why can't you be more flexible?"

I felt a surge of anger.
Even though I was angry, at that point, I still thought I was being calm.

Wanting to hear an impartial opinion from a third party, I called the educational consultation desk run by the Board of Education and decided to ask, "Is this kind of response normal?"

The person in charge, while sounding somewhat sympathetic, said, "For a school, that might be a normal response..." and ultimately affirmed the school's handling of the situation.

...For some reason, my frustration grew.
Just as I was about to become confrontational,

Ah, this might be an issue with my own feelings,

I realized.

I had been thinking,
“I want to find ways to help my second son, who is prone to school refusal, enjoy going to school even a little bit.”

However, that was something that could not be accepted under school rules.
The other party was simply speaking in terms of procedure.

To me, it felt as if I were being told,
“If you cannot conform to the rules, you don't have to come to school.”

In truth, I was very sad.

In other words, I was calling to have my sadness understood.
It was by no means for the reason of “having a third party look at it from a fair perspective”...

This was a somewhat shocking realization.

This is because, until now, I had thought that when I took action, I did so in the order of:

Reason (Why am I doing this?)
⇓
Action (How will I do it?)

I thought I was thinking in that order.

As a logical thinking instructor, I have told people,
“When stating a conclusion, be sure to include the basis (reason),”
and I have also asked my children for reasons, saying, “Why don't you want to do it?”

I also thought that if I could find the reason for why I couldn't act or why I couldn't understand—asking myself “Why can't I do it?” or “Why don't I understand?”—I would be able to do it.

However, looking back carefully, in reality, it might have been:

Feeling (I should do this / I must do this)
⇓
Action (How will I do it?)
⇓
Reason (What this meant to me = Why I am doing this)

It might be that I was just coming up with reasons after the fact.

When I thought about making the call, I never even imagined that there was a reason like, “I am feeling sad, and I want someone to understand that sadness.”

It was only after I took action that I was able to put into words, “So this was the reason for my action.”

Perhaps things like this have been happening in everyday life all along.

At first, as a small sense of discomfort.

・This is strange
・This is a hassle
・If things continue like this, it will be bad... etc.

Sometimes it was a feeling that couldn't be put into words, like a sense of irritation or a feeling of gloom.

However, that feeling becomes the starting point, and I think, 'I will take action (to avoid this unpleasant emotion).'

The reason is an afterthought.

Perhaps I was someone who was good at verbalizing reasons that I came up with after the fact.
That is why,

Reason
　⇓
Action

I thought it was.

The idea that 'there must be a reason,' which I had been clinging to until now, might have just been my own assumption.

The reason is verbalized after taking action, and because my verbalization skills are high, it just feels like I am thinking of the reason before I act.

Thinking about it that way,

I can act without obsessing over reasons, and I don't have to demand reasons from others so much.

Perhaps I can act more freely.

It was like a small graduation from the 'reasons' that had been binding me.